


Please don’t judge me

by Deancebra



Series: Please!verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abduction, Accidents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha Castiel, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bed-Wetting, Bisexual Dean, Blow Jobs, Castiel In Love, Dean Winchester in Denial, Depression, Diapers, Explicit Sexual Content, Fear, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gay Castiel, Graphic description of nightmares, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Dean, Loss, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Mental Health Issues, Miscarriage, Omega Dean, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Rape Recovery, Scenting, Self-Hatred, Self-Lubrication, Sick Dean, Slow Burn, Smut, Supportive Castiel, Victim Blaming, Vulnerability, Worried Castiel, graphic description of rape, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-08-19 21:20:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 33
Words: 68,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8225129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deancebra/pseuds/Deancebra
Summary: Being omega is not easy. Objectification, social pressure and heats would have been bad enough. But being left orphaned with a long list of unhealthy coping mechanism is not helping.Luckily for Dean, Castiel is there when his body and mind refuses to let him continue the way he have done so far, but will the omega let the alpha stand in and help him?The road to recovery is not an easy one.





	1. Movienight

**Author's Note:**

> More tags will most likely be added.  
> This is my first supernatural fan-fic, so please be nice with me. And it is only my second big work in english - it is not my native language.
> 
> I would love to hear comments, suggestions and everything you have to say. 
> 
> This has btw turned into a series! Who would have thought that? I did not!
> 
> And if you have a better title-suggestion (or ideas to a summary that does not suck ass) I am all ears. Srsl, I suck at making good titles. Both for the entire work, and for chapters.
> 
> Thank you to my wonderfull beta LadyHawke72 who will hopefully keep me on the right path, making sure that I do not screw my own work over :)  
> She has edited from chapter 14 and forward - so mistakes until then are entirely mine, and well, mistakes after that is mine too.   
> [Pay her a visit here - she has a lot of goodies bookmarked!](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyHawke72/pseuds/LadyHawke72)  
>  
> 
> This will is going to be an emotional story dealing with mental health issues (depression and anxiety), so if you feel that this is triggering for you, please be aware of that. 
> 
> I cannot stress the importance of help in regard of issues like that enough. The faster you get help, the faster you can get well and the fewer consequences you risk in the long run.  
> If you are having any doubt, are feeling sad or unhealthy, or if Deans negative emotions hit a little too close to home, please consider seeking help. There are so many more options than the ones I come by in this fic. No one deserves to be unhappy. 
> 
> The fic is widely based on my own experience with depression. I got my help years later than I should have and that has consequences.  
> So please, please seek help if you are worried.  
> If it is a loved one, make them aware that you are worried. You may notice the changes before they do themselves.

[ ](http://tinypic.com?ref=20r8hms)

Dean was looking down himself, absolutely devastated. Of all things he had fucking wet himself. Only stubbornness held back the tears of humiliation, even though he was alone and nobody would see him wet and crying like a small fucking child.  
Breathing slowly in and out, he slowly got a hold of himself. It was just piss. Water and left-over chemical body stuff. He could handle that. How many times had he not helped Sammy out of a pair of wet jeans or changed his wet diaper? He could do that for himself, right? Slowly nodding he took of the wet jeans, boxers and socks, making a face over the fact that there was a visible puddle on the floor too. He was glad that he was alone. The smell of omega in distress was overpowering even for him.

Tears threatened to spill over once again as he threw in the wet clothing into the washing machine and starting cleaning up the wet spot. He was a grown ass omega. Way too old to have accidents like that. Way too old to not register the need to go before his pants where soaked. Or the bed for that matter. The daytime-thing had only happened once before, but it did not make it any better, really.

The shower helped a little on his mood erasing the foul smell of embarrassment and distress. Rubbing soap into his scalp, rinsing off his body, not letting himself think more about it. Slowly he managed to push away all thoughts his accident away, like they ran down with the water over his body. 

Drying his hair, he decided to go shopping. One of his old friends would be over later in the evening, and he felt like cooking something nice so they would not end up having greasy pizza and beer like always. Besides, Dean knew he was pretty damned skilled in a kitchen, whereas Cas could set fire to fucking pasta (who even forgot to add the water before trying to boil it?), and he did not mind cooking for his friend. Not that he would admit it, but he liked it when Cas complemented his cooking.

 

In a lighter mood, he left the house, driving his baby down to the grocery store. The smell of the car, feeling of the steering wheel between his hands and rumble from the motor never failed to make him happy. Everything considered it could turn out to be a good day, he figured.

The store had everything he needed to make his famous cheeseburgers. He had never served those for Castiel, and he could not wait for his friend to taste them. Refusing to think of how hot Cas would look opening those full lips of his to bite over the burger, Dean continued shopping. He was not attracted to men anyway. At all. Dr. Sexy did not count, especially since it was mostly the boots anyway. Dean was pretty good at not thinking about stuff in general.  
Shrugging off the thoughts he got the last things he needed. The line to the register where way too long for his tastes, but the cashier was efficient, and he soon found himself packing his groceries into the Impala before driving home.

A quick glance to the clock on the wall told him that he had a few hours before Cas would arrive. The beers was in the fridge, and he decided to treat himself with one while cooking. Turning up the stereo, he danced around in the kitchen, giving into the music with an air-guitar solo.  
The minced meat got a generous amount of his special seasoning and was then left in the fridge to chill out while he cut up the lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and onions. With the greens ready he started grilling up bacon, heating the buns and last, but not least, frying the patties and adding the cheese before throwing them into the oven as the doorbell announced that Cas had arrived.

Messy dark hair and piercing blue eyes met him as he opened the door.

“Hello Dean.”

“Hey Cas.” He said, stepping to the side to allow his friend inside the apartment.

“What are we having? The smell is wonderful.” The alpha admitted, his gravelly voice doing things to Dean that he refused to even think about.

“My signature cheeseburgers!” Dean could not help but smile towards his friend, his eyes on Cas´ lips as his friend licked them in anticipation of the burgers before he forced his gaze away.

“They should be done soon.” He continued, “would you like a beer?” Cas nodded to that.

Nursing their second beers of the night, they sat down at the dinner table; two burgers already assembled and ready to eat in front of both men.  
Castiel’s sounds of enjoyment did not make blood race straight south as Dean watched his friend eat his first bite, eyes on his lips again. Distracting himself he bit down into his own burger, enjoying the rich flavour. He loved burgers from grills, but nothing was half as good as his homemade. It was defiantly the time worth to make those.

“How are you doing Dean?” The alpha asked, halfway through his second burger. Dean had finished both of his, and was nursing the beer.

“I am fine.” He answered, not entirely truthfully. Cas lifted his gaze from the burger between his fingers, and the omega almost felt pierced by the blue eyes.

“I am doing better. Things are... better.” He admitted, as Cas kept starring intensely at him. Dean was the first to lower his eyes, feeling how his friend kept looking like he could stare out answers to all his questions if he kept looking long enough. With everyone but Dean that could have worked out. But his hate to chickflick moments made him shut up instead of telling his friend how things really where going.

“Dean...” Cas started, head tilted ever so slightly when green eyes met blue.

“You don’t have to pretend with me, you know? I won’t judge you.” Forehead crinkled ever so slightly, Cas almost looked hurt. Sammy had a mean puppy-eye look, but his friend was very skilled into looking like his world would break.

Dean shrugged. “I don’t Cas. I am doing better, you know? I am coping.” His friend looked like he wanted to call bullshit on that one, but he did not, and the omega found himself grateful. Sam would have, but Dean was nowhere nearby ready to talk about what had happened, what was happening or how he felt. He just was not. Cas seemed to accept that his friend was not ready to talk about anything, so instead he changed the topic, asking Dean what movie he had chosen for the night and about the last book the dark haired man had lent him. Conversation flowed easy from there, and before he knew it, he was sitting with his fourth beer, more relaxed than he had been in a long while.

 

“I am going to make popcorn. Do you start the movie?” Dean asked, not waiting for response before he disappeared out into the kitchen. Cas always wanted popcorn when watching movies. The sound from the trailers to other movies reached him as the popcorn started to make popping sounds in the microwave. Humming he found a bowl, filled it with the warm popcorn and then returned to the living room where Castiel was sprawled out over the couch.

“Move it.” Dean said, his brow lifted in a threat he did not need to say out loud. If Cas did not move Dean would use him as a couch. It would not be the first time it had happened anyway, the alpha learning that the hard way.

Slowly Castiel sat up, a teasing smile around his lips.

“You are an ass.” Dean declared, sitting down in the couch with the bowl in his lap. Cas just smiled, inching closer for better access to the popcorn as Dean pressed the play bottom.

The movie was familiar and grounding, and soon the light-haired man found himself relaxing completely, leaning slightly towards Castiel. So many nights they had spent like that, comfortably close. It was not awkward, just relaxing and friendly. And Dean loved it. The fact that he was an omega did not seem to mean a thing to his friend. Castiel had been clear about his sexuality pretty early on, but Dean had not really cared. It was not like the darkhaired alpha was his first homosexual friend anyway.

Soon he found himself drifting off, exhausted. Cas shoulder was his new pillow, and he barely registered that his friend took the bowl of popcorn away before he fell asleep.

 

The movie was long ended when he woke up, his head in the lap of the alpha instead of on his shoulder. He was wrapped in a blanket and felt warm and content. His friend was reading something. Most likely the only book he had been able to get without waking up the sleeping omega in his lap.

For once there had been no nightmares. Slowly he pushed of the blanket to sit up so his friend had a chance to move too. First when he had started to rise from the couch to get himself a glass of water, he realised that it had happened again.

Fear hit him as he turned his gaze towards the alpha. He would be disgusted, surely. He would leave. Dean felt like running, hiding himself, but he could not remember how to control his limps.


	2. In distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reaction from Cas is not exactly what Dean had anticipated.

The sour smell of distressed Omega filled the room quickly, causing Castiel to close the book and look over at Dean, who stood as if he were frozen, like a deer in front of headlights. 

“Oh Dean...” Cas whispered, as he saw what had caused his friend that amount of stress. His pants where visibly wet, as where the couch. Thank god for the omega’s preference for leather, it would make clean-up so much easier… He doubted that Dean was aware of the low whimpers escaping him, too scared of his reaction to do anything but just stand there. 

The alpha got up from the couch, and did the only thing he could come up with. He hugged Dean closely, causing the omega to flinch at first before giving into the embrace, tears silently streaming down his face. It was obvious that Dean had expected a different reaction, and even with soothing words and gentle touches it took him long before his friend were starting to calm down.

“What happened?” The alpha asked gently, rubbing his thumbs over the omegas cheeks to remove the tears. Dean bit his lower lip, panic in his eyes as he looked away, unable to answer the question. 

“Alright. You go take a shower. I will clean the couch and get you some clean clothes, alright?” It was formulated as a question, but Castiel’s tone made it clear, that Dean did not have a say in the matter. Defeated the green-eyed man walked to the bathroom to get himself cleaned up, while Cas took care of the couch.

 

Another shower and change of clothes later, he found himself sitting at his dinner table, held on his chair by a pair of intense blue eyes. 

“Dean...” He started, genuine concern filling his voice, trying to coax the omega to talk. Dean shook his head again, trying to avoid the stare. 

“Was that the first time it happened?” Cas continued. At first, he was sure that Dean would refuse to answer, but the omega slowly shook his head. 

“No.” Dean admitted, voice cracking. He shortly looked up at Cas, green eyes filled with fear, like Dean felt sure that his friend would leave hearing that one word.

“How long has it been going on?” 

Dean gulped audiably. His eyes where shiny from unshed tears and his face red with embarrassment. He was sitting on the edge of the chair, muscles tense like he was ready run away and hide. Dean was damned good at running away from his problems, Castiel knew. He was obviously humiliated and scared – and expecting an entirely different reaction from the alpha in front of him.

“Ever since dad died. Every damned fucking night.” Dean said, not ready to admit that he sometimes had daytime problems too. Two times did not count as a problem, not really. Surely Castiel would judge him for the lack of control, right?

“Have you talked with a doctor?” Castiel found himself asking, already knowing what the answer to that would be. Of course Dean would not have mentioned to a soul that he had a bedwetting problem. Cas would most likely never had found out if he had not caught Dean in wet pants, even though it had been months since his father had died. And like predicted, Dean slowly shook his head. 

“I can’t Cas.” He admitted eyes on his hands. “They would just tell me that I am crazy or something. I am a grown ass man. I can deal with this myself.” 

“You know that it is a common enough reaction to stress and trauma, right? You wouldn’t be the first.” Cas tried to assure his friend, causing Dean to violently shaking his head.   
“It will go away.” The omega said a core of steel in his voice. 

“Yes.” Castiel admitted, reluctantly. “Once you have sorted out the problems behind, it will most likely not be a problem anymore. But that takes time, you know?”

Dean looked on the verge of panic from those words. How long was ´time`? How long before he stopped waking up in a soaked bed? It was not like he could pick up a chick in the bar if he ended up pissing all over the bed. Could his problem get worse?

“What the hell do I do Cas?” Dean asked, voice tiny and cracking, making him sound little and fragile.   
The alpha could not help the overpowering feeling of protectiveness swelling inside him as he rose to take the omega in his arms again.

Cas reached out, gently placing a hand on the back of Dean who flinched again, like the physical contact was painful for him.

“It is going to be okay, Dean. Don’t worry; I will help you out, alright?” He promised gently, rubbing soothing circles over the bag of the omega, trying to get him calm again. He hated seeing his friend like that. Dean had already been through his share of crap. Even though the omega pretty much refused to talk about it, Cas had gathered a lot from his reactions to certain words or movements, and from the little Sam had told him. 

Slowly Deans breathing evened out, and Cas figured that they had talked enough about that topic for the night.

“It is getting late. Would you like me to stay here with you?” The alpha asked, eyeing his friend. Dean was a skilled liar, but he could be too exhausted to even consider lying.

“Yes please.” Dean admitted, unable to find the courage to face another night with nightmares of death, blood and screams on his own. Castiel was just about to ask where he could find the spare comforter and a pillow when Dean took his hand and dragged him into the bedroom with him. Unable to protest Cas followed him, knowing that Dean most likely needed the comfort, though he would never admit it.

 

Soon Castiel found himself being used as a human pillow, Dean curled up close to him, wearing just boxers and an old t-shirt. The omega was quickly asleep, completely exhausted from the emotions his accident had brought with it.

Cas gently stroke the soft, dark blond hair while wondering how he could help. It was obvious that his friend wanted to take care of matter himself and that he clearly had been unable to do so. It had been long since John had died, almost half a year, and still Dean had nothing protecting his mattress. The alpha would not be surprised if Dean simply had figured that there was nothing that could help. 

Sleeping Dean nuzzled against his neck, seemingly content with the smell of alpha male in his bed. Castiel had a hard time not holding his friend even closer as a reaction to his unconscious caresses. Gently he kissed Deans forehead like he would have done with a child, hoping that his friend one day would come to terms with his secondary gender too. From what he had gathered, John had been anything but pleased with Deans presentation. Slowly he inhaled the soft smell of omega. Dean had not applied his scent blocking deodorant after his shower, and Cas could not help but enjoy the gentle smell belonging to Dean. It never failed to make him smile. He had been dumbstruck in love with Dean from the first time they met, but had never told him so. Sam knew, and had more than once encouraged Castiel to make a move. But he could not bring himself to do so, not when he knew how insecure Dean was about being an omega. Or how John had drilled in the wrongness of his sons being with men.

 

The morning after both woke up in a wet bed. Dean had been curled up against Castiel the entire night, refusing to let him go, so to the Alpha it was barely a surprise. Dean on the other hand was mortified by what he had done, on the verge of tears again when Cas assured him that he really did not give a shit, and that he would never have slept close to Dean if he saw it as a problem. He had slept on the sofa before, he could have done so again if he had felt the need.

Dean insisted that Cas had a shower before him, and the alpha agreed to that, hoping that it would ease his friend just a little. 

Breakfast was quiet. They had talked a lot the night before, and the omega was too unhappy about the situation. When his second cup of coffee started to hit his bloodstream, Cas felt awake enough to talk.

“Dean… I was thinking… You will destroy your mattress if you keep doing it like you have so far. Would you mind if I got a hand on some helping supplies for you?” His voice was even deeper than usual, causing Dean to look up, cheeks red with embarrassment once again. 

“What kind of supplies?” He asked, obviously worried and very uncomfortable.

The alpha shrugged. “Absorbent pads maybe? To put in the mattress? It would make clean-up easier for you. Maybe some pull-ups?” Cas stopped himself there, the omega looking scared again as the word pull-up had left the alphas lips. 

“Pull-ups are for toddlers!” Dean protested, causing Castiel to make a longer explanation about how they surely were for everyone needing them, discreet and very absorbent. He had used the time while Dean had showered to do some quick research on his smartphone. It still troubled him sometimes, but the google-function was very handy.

“Besides Dean, the only one knowing about it would be the two of us. Most of them are so discreet that you can wear them under a tight pair of jeans, and nobody would know. Besides, it is just a suggestion anyway. It is not like I am going to force you into diapers or something like that.” He assured his friend with a wide smile. Dean gave him a weird look before returning his smile with something small and insecure.

“I am taking this as a yes.” The alpha said before Dean even had a chance to protest again. “I will be visiting again tonight. And I would not mind more of your awesome cooking.” Cas promised. He was just about to pick up the clothing he had slept in, when Dean protested, saying that the least he could do was wash the clothing. Cas agreed to that.


	3. The wonders of Jack Daniels

Green eyes followed Cas as he left the apartment. He had no idea how he should feel about the actions of his friend. How could he not care about what had happened? Why was he not judging Dean like he did himself? The soft thud of the door closing made him flinch. Did that mean that Cas would not be back? That he had just pretended to be alright with everything?  
Trying to shut out the voices in his head went badly. They kept talking. Kept telling him that he had lost his best friend by being unable to control his fucking body. That he was a sissy. He did not deserve a friend like Cas anyway. Maybe it would truly be better if the darkhaired alpha never returned? If he got someone who was not as bend over and broken as Dean?

Barely able to hold back the tears, the omega decided to cope the only way he knew how. With beer and Jack Daniels, the only whiskey he had on hand. He did not bother with a glass, he simply just took the bottle to his mouth, tipping his head back and drank greedily in big gulps to ease the pain inside. The familiar burn of alcohol down his throat grounded him slightly, and with the whiskey in one hand, he decided to take care of the laundry before his entire apartment would stink like piss. His piss, he reminded himself before taking another drag of the bottle.  
While washing the clothes and sheets he calmed down a little. Cas would be back to get his clothing, right? Maybe he would not be able to even look at Dean, but he would be back. He would be able to steal a last look, admiring the colour of his blue eyes like he so often did.

“Get yourself together. You do not like men anyway. He just have pretty blue eyes!” Dean said angrily to himself, or to the bottle, he was not entirely sure, as his train of thoughts continued to how Cas lips had looked around that burger, how nice and firm he had been as a pillow.

...

It was therefore no surprise that he was on the edge of black out drunk when Cas arrived later. Food was not made. He had tried, but drunk him was a terrible cook apparently, so the kitchen smelt like burned food and humiliation.  
Opening the door for his friend, he smiled his most charming smile, leaning against the doorframe.

“Hello Dean.” Cas voice filled him with a warmth that the alcohol had not been able to do. His friend was carrying a few bags, his forehead crunched up in what seemed like worry as he sniffed the air and gave the bottle in Deans hand a pointed look.

“You have been drinking.” The alpha noted. “Why?”

“How about getting that sexy piece of arse inside before you start questioning me?” Dean suggested, aware that he was slurring slightly when talking.

Cas smiled wryly. It had apparently not occurred to Dean that he was filling out the most of the doorframe. In most situations he could easily pass as a beta, his frame broad with sharp angles instead of the softer look a lot of omegas had to them.  
Dean slowly moved, his sense of balance affected from the amount of alcohol he had consumed during most of the day.

 

“I got the supplies for you.” Dean heard the alpha say. Slowly he turned around, starring at Cas with wide green eyes like he had expected something entirely different.

“Why?” He demanded.

“Because I want to help you.” The omega starred at the alpha like he was unsure if those words where true.

“Come on Dean. We have known each other for so long. Did you think I would just walk out on you?”

Dean sank audibly before nodding slowly. Before he had time to register what was going on he felt strong arms around him, holding him close. The familiar smell of alpha, Cas, safety and home filled his nostrils, and he allowed himself to breath it in greedily unaware of how it made him relax into the embrace. He had been drinking to cope with the thought of Cas getting his clean clothes before walking out to never return. That the alpha did no such thing surprised him, and he had no idea what to do with that.  
Dean allowed himself a few seconds more of the warm embrace before slowly untangling himself from the alpha.

 

“My cooking fucked up. Imma order pizza.” He said, letting the confused alpha stand there while calling the nearest pizzeria to get their favourites. While making the call he kept eyeing the bags Cas had left on the floor. Dean was unsure how he felt about them. He was glad that his friend had taken the time to get the stuff for him. Glad that he had not left him because of his accidents. At the same time he absolutely hated that it seemed to be necessary. Cas was right about the fact that he would ruin the mattress if he did nothing to protect it (if it wasn’t already) and that he was needing something until his problem got better.

Once the call was done the alpha gently smiled at him.

“Do you want to see what I got?” he asked, and Dean found himself nodding reluctantly. Wishing that the supplies was unnecessary did no difference, so he could just as well give them a look. The bright and almost proud smile he got from his friend almost made it alright.  
Slowly Cas placed the stuff on the dinner table while explaining to Dean, what the different stuff was. Dean found himself blushing violently when the alpha admitted that he had brought different kinds of pull-ups, not knowing which brand was the most absorbent or comfortable.

“You really should not have done all this.” He said, feeling guilty about the amount of stuff his friend at brought for him. He knew that pull-ups weren’t cheap, as he had been out of them early as a child. The money had not been there for both him and Sam wearing protective underwear, so John had told Dean to man up and stop pissing himself. He had tried to make sure that any accidents weren’t noticed by his father.

“Yes I should Dean. As I said, I want to help you.” Cas said with conviction. “I am going to get the pads into the bedroom and the other stuff into the bathroom.” And Dean was left to look after his friend as he walked into the rooms like he was home.

“As I said, no one besides from the two of us needs to know about this, though I will insist that you go see a doctor. There could be a medical reason.” Cas said, not reacting to the death glare Dean shot him as a response to that. Apparently his alpha friend was immune to such looks.

 

Sighing, Dean decided that they just as well could get it over with. “So how is this going to work?” He asked, causing Castiel to smile wide again like he was happy that Dean accepted the help. Weird alpha.

“Well, the lady in the store recommended that you use the pull-ups along with a pad on the bed. After all you can move quite a lot while sleeping, and if you roll of the pad..” Cas shrugged apologetic. “With the pull-ups you will be protected no matter what, and the pad will take care if there is a leakage. If you stay on it. But they are pretty big, so that should not be a problem.” The ensuring did not work entirely on Dean, who felt mortified by the thought of leaking through a pull-up.

“And you said that there were discreet, right?” The omega asked, relieved when the alpha nodded.

“Well, yes. The design is neutral, and they look like briefs rather than boxers. Under clothing they should be invisible.”

 

Drunk Dean decided that he should defiantly try that out in the comfort of his own home. Given the daytime accidents too, there would be times where he would feel more comfortable with protection outside the apartment. If they were as discreet as Cas seemed to believe they were, that was.  
He disappeared out to the bathroom, deciding to take a piss before trying them one. He was not sure he could deal with the humiliation of an accident while awake with Castiel witnessing it. Staring at the three different packs, he ended taking the most neutral looking. The front promised a nice fit, high absorbans and a shitload of other stuff he did not care about.

Doubting if it really was a good idea he let his boxers fall to the floor together with his pants. Standing in a t-shirt and socks felt weird, and before he could regret it he started taking the pull-up on. It went on pretty much like normal underwear except the faint, crinkly sound that he already hated. Moving a little around made it crinkle too, and his mirror image was blushing furiously, ears red too. He could feel the soft padding between his legs, but it was not anywere nearby as bad as he had thought it would be.

“Fuck this shit.” He mumbled before taking his boxers over the pull-up and then his pants. The clothing helped to conceal the sound a little, and he was not sure that anyone but him would even notice it. The bathroom mirror did not show him the body parts he wanted to check out, so he hurried into his bedroom to give himself a look.  
No matter how he turned around he was unable to see that he was wearing protective underwear, so he walked into the kitchen somewhat satisfied.

“They are indeed pretty damned discreet.” He agreed, nodding slightly towards Cas, glad that his friend had taken the task on his shoulders without giving Dean room to argue about it.

“Well, let’s hope that you won’t need them for long.” Cas agreed, asking Dean to turn around. Neither the alpha could tell that Dean was wearing anything but regular underwear underneath his pants.

Soon enough the pizza arrived, and they decided to repeat the movie-night, hopefully without any accidents this time. Dean would never admit it, but he was more than thrilled to have Castiel at his place for another night.


	4. Survivors guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is not too satisfied with the fact that Sam insists on interrogating him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that for a lot of you, 30 or so kudos and a few bookmarks is not a lot, but for me it really is. I am so happy that someone likes what I am doing. <3
> 
> I have also noted that I really want to write "bear" instead of "beer" and "quilt" instead of "guilt". So if strange mistakes appear, please let me know.

It came as no surprise that Cas ended in bed with Dean again. The alpha had a hard time not reaction to the omega, but he somehow managed. He had no desire to scare of his friend by walking around with a massive hard-on. It would make it fucking difficult to hide his desires towards Dean, and he doubted that the green eyed man was capable of dealing with that too. With the thoughts of his obese, old neighbour in lace underwear he finally fell asleep.

  
Sleepy eyes and exhausted from keeping his thoughts going in a very wanted direction, he was up before Dean, who still snored softly. Cas gently tucked the comforter around him before heading for the bathroom. Sleeping his body had ideas of its own, and he was spurting a pretty impressive morning wood. Thinking of the neighbour did next to nothing, and he was aware of the faint smell of his arousal clinging to his skin. To prevent Dean from smelling it, he hurried into the shower, discussing with himself if he should jack off or not. The shower would smell like his realise, making it obvious. He could just as well wear a neon-sign with ´Cas jacked off to the thought of you` out of the shower in that case.

 

Somehow he made it into and out of the shower without touching himself down there. From the neighbour in underwear he moved into dead kittens, but it did not seem to do a thing to his stubborn body part. Why had God given him a penis more stubborn than himself? Growling faintly he put on boxers and pants, trying to adjust it so it was less uncomfortable. It almost worked.  
When he got out of the bathroom Dean was up too, his cheeks highly pink. Not bothering to ask why, Cas stepped out and walked into the kitchen. He was capable of cutting out bread without fucking it up, as well as taking cheese and jam out of the fridge. It almost counted as cooking in his world.  
They ate in silence again, neither of them particular fond of mornings anyway. From what the alpha could tell, skimming out of the window, it would be a beautiful day. Neither had work, given that it was a Sunday, and he almost considered asking Dean if he wanted to do something. But then again, the omega had most likely already plans or grown tired of being with him anyway.  
So after helping out with the dishes he took off after he had Dean promising to call if he needed to talk.

 

Dean looked at the door long after Cas had closed it. He could not believe that his friend did not care about anything. That he had helped out the way he had.  
He felt tired and slightly nauseous from the alcohol the day before. The clock told him that he had several hours before Sammy would come by for their usual Sunday-lunch, so he decided to get back into bed. Curling up on the side where Cas had slept, breathing in the slightly musky and rich smell of alpha, he quickly drifted off.

He woke up a few hours later, feeling more refreshed than he had done before. There was still an hour or so before Sam would stick his giant frame inside. His fridge was still well stocked with both bears and leftovers to make sandwiches, so he got his shoes on. There was a small bakery down the street which made a mean pecan pie and some pretty good sandwich bread.

 

The soft “ding” sound announced his presence in the shop.

“Hello, what can I do for you?” A pretty redhead smiled towards him, her nametag telling him that she was named Anna.

“Giving that my brother comes over later, I should stick with pie and sandwich bread.” He answered, winking at her with a flirtatious smile on his face.  
Throwing back her head, she responded with a warm laugh.

“You don’t put fingers in between, huh? Well, you could give me a call when your brother leaves or come by later this week.” She answered, returning his flirting with a confident smile.

“Oh I will.” The omega promised, throwing her another smile as she packed the bread he pointed out and the pecan pie in a nice box, scribbling down her number on the package.

“See you around.” She winked again as he waved goodbye with his free hand, carrying the goods in the other.

...

When the big moose of a little brother made his entrance, Dean had a stack of sandwiches ready. Some of them even contained the leafy-rabbit shit Sam insisted was healthy and tasty.

He felt pretty good, the weak hangover considered. So far it had been a damned good day, and he was looking forward for the rest of it.  
The packs with protection had been removed from the bathroom, stacked inside his closet instead. Sam would ask questions if seeing them and while he was grateful for Castiels reaction, he did not feel like talking with his little brother about that kind of shit.

 

“Hey Dean!” His beta brother yelled from the entrance before stepping inside the apartment.

“Hey Sammy.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? It is Sam, not Sammy.” The moose grumbled from somewhere higher up than Dean.

“To me you will always be Sammy.” Dean shrugged. “Anyway, there is food. And some of that my food eats.” He was rewarded with a warm smile from his brother.

Seeing Sam happy and healthy made him happy. It had been a struggle for so long for both of them. The death of John had impacted them in very different ways. Sam had felt the extreme version of survivors guilt (and would most likely always have some left in him), as it had been a fight between him and their dad causing him to drive out drunk, killing himself and a family of four.

They had been together for the holidays, for once trying to be a family. Dean had followed shortly after in the impala, worried out of his mind and trying to get his dad to stop and drive with him back home. He had seen everything from the front seat. Seen the impact, the blood. Heard the screams. Been there for one the ambulances had arrived and when his father and the family had been bagged. There was nothing the paramedics could have done, he later learned in the hospital. The damage to all parties had been too severe. It still haunted his nightmares almost every night. And just like Sam, he was filled with guilt. If he had just driven faster. Managed to stop their dad. No one should have died that night. The family had most likely been on their way for holidays on their own. It was devastating to think about, so mostly, he did not.

Eating was mostly in silence and occasional questions about Sam’s study, Dean’s work and other light topics. The omega was in no doubt that Sam would bring up their dad at some point, but he was grateful that he waited until after the lunch.

... 

Nursing beers in the sofa, Sam seemed to decide that it was a good time to start asking questions.

“Have you told Cas what happened?” Clarifying what ´what` covered was unnecessary.

“Ish?” Dean answered with a shrug. “He knows that dad died in a traffic-accident.”

“But no more than that?” Sam would make one hell of a lawyer once finished with school Dean though with a mixed feeling of pride and annoyance.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I haven’t really felt like talking about it.” He admitted, shrugging again. Couldn’t the stupid moose just let it be? He would talk to Cas. At some point. Maybe. Most likely not.

“You really should Dean. Talk with somebody. Cas. A pro. Does not really matter, but walking around like you do is really unhealthy.”

“Like you are talking with anyone.” He said, aware of how he was unable to hide his annoyance.

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Sam stated, crossing his arms around his massive chest with a pointed look to Dean.

“Who?” The omega demanded. Last time the two of them had talked about the current topic, Sam had admitted that he struggled to open up to anyone about his overwhelming feeling of guilt.

“You remember the girl I told you about last time I was here?”

“Yeaah?”

Sam blushed slightly. Anyone not knowing him would most likely not notice, but for someone who had known him his entire life, it was easy to see the slightly pinker colour of his cheeks. Dean smirked.

“Well. We have started talking a lot more. And she is a really great listener and very supportive.” Sam admitted, moving slightly uncomfortable as the roles had been reversed.

“So you are just talking..?” Dean asked, teasing in his tone in the way only big brothers could be.

Making a choked sound, Sam looked away, his cheeks visibly more red.  
“Well. No. Ah. We may be a little more than friends.” He admitted reluctantly, rubbing his neck without meeting Dean’s gaze.

“So my little Sammy has a girlfriend? That is freaking awesome! When are you bringing her over for me to meet her?” The omega asked enthusiastically.

“We are not officially a pair.” Sam tried to get his brother to relax, but that almost just made Dean smile even wider.

“So when are you going to get the deed done and ask her?”

“Soon. She is really great.”

“I have no doubt. Only the best is good enough for you.” Dean said, emphasizing his words. “You deserve to be happy.”

 

“And you don’t?” Sam asked, serious all over again.

“I am.” Dean protested.

“No you are not. You don’t talk with anyone. You look exhausted like you don’t sleep and you seem to have lost weight too. Today is the first in months that you do not look like you are sleepwalking.” The beta pointed out. “I am really worried about you. “

“I am fine.” The omega growled, trying to get his stupid brother to drop the topic.

“You really are not. Cas is worried about you too, you know. He called me last week because you keep drifting off during your movie-nights.”

“Traitor.” Dean grumbled, annoyed that his brother and best friend seemed to agree.

“He really cares about you. Why don’t you open up to him more? I get that I may not be ideal to talk with, things being too close to home and all that shit, but Cas has always been there for you.” Sam continued, apparently not giving a shit about the fact that Dean did not want to talk about it.

“I just don’t get why he cares so much. Or why you do for that matter. I am OK. I am coping and things are getting better, alright?” He was not going to tell Sam that he had slept two full nights because he had used Cas as a pillow, the alpha holding him close and caressing him when he started to toss around as the dreams became nightmares.  
Sam sighed, looking defeated.

“You really should get help, you know?” The beta said, worried look back on his face.

“I know you think that. But I am doing well, thank you.” Dean answered, tone indicating that there was no more to discuss.

 

They continued to talk though, about lighter topics. Sam was interrogated properly about his new girl, Dean not resting before he knew everything worth knowing about her. From what his moose-brother told, she sounded like a great person, and the omega looked forward to meet her.

At the late afternoon Sam hugged him goodbye, leaving a confused Dean behind when he left. They rarely hugged.


	5. Pizzas and pillows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it just Dean or is it really, really hot?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly sorry about how long this took me. Life hit. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it though! Please leave a comment if you do or have any suggestions. 
> 
> I am still not entirely sure where I am going to go with this story and how evil I am going to be.

Besides from a single interesting job on an older car, Dean’s week was fairly uninteresting. Nothing changed, besides from the fact that he thought a whole lot about what Cas and Sam had said.  
Friday a simple job rolled into the garage, ready for him to take care of. The blue Toyota needed a check-through to take care of any problems before they really had a chance to appear.

 _They aren’t right_ , the omega thought, buried underneath the blue car. The underside was covered in big spots of rust several places, and he wondered if the owners had ever heard about rust-proofing the underside of their car? Apparently not. His thoughts flipped between the car and what his loved ones had told him the rest of the day.  
Thank god that the rust haven’t eaten the entire undercarriage, he thought to himself while working on a particular difficult spot. He had to gently remove the rust before treating it with rust-remover. Once that had worked (preferably over the entire weekend) he could tell if any needed welding and then the entire undercarriage would get a treatment which should prevent the rust from appearing again. If the owners made sure to get the treatment redone once or twice a year, that was.

“How are you doing down there?” The familiar voice of Bobby, the owner of the garage asked.

“Just peachy.” Dean answered, breathing out. “Have you turned up the heat again? I am sweating like shit down here.”

“No I haven’t.” Bobby answered. “But if a bit of rust-removal makes you all sweaty you should seriously start working on your shape. Aren’t that hard kiddo.”

The omega chose not to answer that. He was just hot, that did not mean he was in bad shape.

“When are you counting on being done?” His boss asked.

“Another half hour maybe? Shouldn’t take too long at this point.”  
Bobby grumbled something about him going home and wished Dean a good weekend. He did not bother answering that, because the sound of Bobbys footsteps told him that he had already left the garage before Dean had a chance to answer.

... 

A cold shower did not help on how hot he felt. His clothing was annoying the shit out of him and he felt sweaty instead of clean.

“Screw this.” He grumled and opened the windows in the apartment before taking a beer. He had left work later than he had hoped for, using the time at the garage to check his baby for any signs of rust. There had been nothing to see, and he was happy, satisfied and tired when he hit the road back home. And being later at home meant that he had shorter time to prepare a nice meal for him and Cas to share on their weekly movie-night. He had not seen his friend since the last time with the fucking pull-ups, and he hoped to get through this without any stupid accidents or stupid emotional talks, thank you very much.

He had decided on homemade pizza. It was not too difficult and he knew exactly how his dark-haired friend preferred his pizza. Shure he liked some weird ass veggies on there instead of plain meat like Dean, but it really was not too difficult.

The sweaty and hot feeling returned on full power when he hand kneaded the dough. Maybe Bobby was right about his shape? It was not like he worked out or anything, but hell, kneading a small portion of pizzadough really should not leave him all gross and sweaty. The omega almost considered taking another shower when the pizzas was in the oven, but before he had the chance to do so Cas announced his presence with a few hard knocks on the door. Dean had no idea why his friend did not just walk in there, it wasn’t like he almost already lived there in the weekends already.

 

Castiel held up a bag with chips and a sixpack of beer for them to enjoy while watching the movie.

“Oh man, you did not need to.” Dean said, once again stepping aside for Cas to get inside his apartment.

“You are cooking again. Bringing chips and beer is the least I can do.” The blue eyed man pointed out, walking into the kitchen with an easy telling he felt at home. The beers got into the fridge to chill before he turned to give Dean a greeting hug.

“You smell nice.” The alpha commented. Was it just Dean or did Castiels voice sound even deeper than usually? He doubted that was even possible. Sinking he took half a step back from his friend, sending him an akward smile.

“I just took a shower. Guess you are too used to me stinking like oil and beta-deo.” He mumbled before adding something half-hearted about the pizzas needing his attention.  
The pizzas were doing just fine. Cas was standing where Dean had left him, a puzzled look on his face and head tilted slightly. The omega would never in his life admit it, but his friend looked adorable like that.

“Maybe. But I have been here before after you have taken a shower.” Cas said, sniffing the air again. “And you smell like… really, really good Dean.”

“Thank you I guess.” The omega had no idea how to feel about the compliment. Smelling nice? Sure he did. He felt hot, sweaty and sticky. And gross. How the heck could Cas find that anywhere nearby attractive?

 

As it turned out, the pizzas where pretty darn good if he had to say so himself. He snatched a piece of Cas, trying out the weird ass veggies (who even though that artichoke hearts sounded good on a pizza?). It was better than he had anticipated.  
Through the meal he felt more and more uncomfortable though. He wished that Cas had brought ice-cream instead of chips, wanting something cold. Preferably another ice-cold shower.  
His eyes kept lingering at Castiels lips while he ate the pizza. Who had thought that a man could make pizza-eating almost sexual? The way his tongue flickered over his lips, removing the homemade tomato sauce almost made Dean harden instantly. He wanted to lick the sauce of those lips.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?” He answered, half a piece of pizza still in his mouth.

“When are your next heat due?”

“What are you talking about man? I am on suppressants. You know that.” Dean looked utterly confused, and his eyes wandered to Castiels for a moment.

“You smell like heat.” His friend explained, frowning deeply.

“Well, that must be something in your head dude. I haven’t had a heat since my second.” Dean answered stubbornly, crossing his arms. He had been on suppressants as soon as he had gotten John convinced that they were the best solution. The shit was expensive as hell, so he had to get a job to help pay. Or at the least, that was what he told people if they asked. John had known a place where he could help out with the easy parts of fixing cars, leading to Dean getting an education a mechanic in the first place. He loved using his hands like that.

“Maybe.” Cas admitted with a shrug. He did not want to upset the omega though the smell made it pretty damned hard for him to focus on enjoying his pizza. Dean starring at him with a weird gaze did not help at all. If Cas had not known better, he would call it hunger.

 

Somehow the alpha managed to get through the dinner without doing something stupid like choking on pizza because he was too busy smelling the air or staring at Dean. Could it really be Deans natural smell affecting him so strongly? He really, really doubted it.  
While Dean was using the bathroom Cas quickly googled about suppressant failing. From what he could find it was common enough, especially after a long time of usage without allowing any heats to occur. From what he could gather Dean had really hated the two heats he had had as a big teenager. Something had possibly happened, it was not exactly like the omega talked about it anyway.  
The only reason Cas felt insecure about it was that he had never smelled Dean in or close to his heat before. He simply had no idea how the omega would smell dosed up in pheromones. But his mind had a very hard time controlling his body, especially a certain part.

 ...

Dean returned from the bathroom, the smell almost even stronger. His hair seemed damp like he had tried to cool down by splashing water into his face.

“Cas…” He mumbled, sitting down on the sofa and getting as close to the alpha as physically possible without sitting directly on his lap. The air felt thick around Cas and his thoughts seemed to be less and less coherent.

“How are you feeling Dean?” He asked, breathing in and out through his mouth hoping that would help. Barely did a difference.

“Hot.” The omega mumbled.

“I know you believe it to be impossible, but I do believe you are in heat.” Cas pointed out, caressing the soft hair of the omega. His skin felt hot against the alphas hand.

“Yes.” Was the simple answer.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No. You can’t.” Dean stated, crawling even closer to the alpha.

 

Castiel closed his eyes and took another deep breath, savouring the sweet and enticing smell of the omega.

“You are my pillow, remember?” The omega pointed out, sending Cas a wide eyed look. For a short moment the omega almost smelled scared. Like he really, really needed Castiel to stay for some reason.

“I remember.” He whispered softly. “Try to get some sleep. From what the internet told me, this is going to be hard on you.”

“But I feel hot.” Dean almost sounded like a child, and Cas found himself chuckling fondly.

“Does it help if I keep stroking your hair?” The alpha offered. Dean seemed to think about it before nodding. None other symptoms off his heat had occurred yet, and from what he could remember Cas was right. He needed all the sleep he could get.


	6. No snitching Sammy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is in heat, no matter how much he tries to deny the possibility. So Castiel calls Sam to let him know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the length - I just felt like it was a good place to end this chapter. Hopefully having two chapters so close to each other makes up for it :)

When he woke up a weird nature-program was running on low volume on the television, and Cas was gone, his human pillow replaced with an actual pillow. Dean growled. Where was his alpha?  
Listening he could hear Cas. It almost sounded like he was talking with someone. Then he turned quiet for a while, before he talked again. Dean sat up. His hair, a tad too long for his taste, clenched to his forehead like the t-shirt did to his upper body. If he had doubted it before the feverlike feeling and itchy-needy feeling inside him confirmed that Castiel had been right all along.

Groaning low he felt back down on the pillow, determined not to let the fear overtake him. He trusted Cas. He really, really did. But he did not trust himself or his body when in heat. The last two times had nearly destroyed him.  
Slowly he got out of the couch, wanting the touch of his alpha. Craving it even. He hated being in heat. Hated how weak and uncontrolled it left him.  
He had been right about Cas talking to someone. Leaning against the doorframe he could see the outline of his friend, phone to his ear and back against Dean.

 

“You know I can’t tell him Sam.” Cas stated. Dean saw him dragging a hand through his hair, as if he usually did when frustrated.

“No. I really can’t. It is not like he has told me what happened all those years ago. I can smell it on him, you know? Like a bitter undertone. He hates it. He hates himself for it. And I am not going to give him more to deal with than he already has.”

Dean could weakly hear that Sam was saying something, but was too far away to make out anything.

“You should not tell me anything Sam.” The alpha continued. “He may if he feels that it is important… I hope, at the least.” Then he was quiet for a while. Dean was surprised that he had not smelled him yet. It was not exactly like he was subtle or anything.

“Yeah I know that he won’t. I have known him long enough for that. But Sam, it does not change a thing.”

 

Dean could make out that Sam was getting annoyed with how stubborn Cas could be, the volume increasing. Still not enough for him to make out any words, but he could here that Sam talked higher.

“I know that you think I should now.”

“Sam, you know I wont hurt your brother.” The alpha almost sounded sad, though Dean did not trust his foggy brain at that moment. He could almost hear Cas paling. His words barely a whisper, when he responded to Sam after a long period of quiet.

“Raped?” He repeated, and Dean swallowed. So Sammy had decided to tell Cas that much. Well, better that his friend knew if he suddenly flipped. The platonic touches were so far alright, but those had taken the omega a long time to be alright with. And the only alpha he allowed to get that close was the darkhaired man who was currently talking with his brother.

Cas swallowed hard enough for Dean to hear.  
“You should be able to see why I cannot tell him how I feel Sam. Don’t you think he has enough to deal with without that?”

“Well, it is not like his situation improves because he knows that I am in love with him! It is fucking irrelevant at the moment!” Cas growled, and then turned as if he had heard something. It had not occurred to Dean that he had started backing away without any idea where he was going, and had now walked into a chair.

Cas did not bother saying goodbye to Sam, but simply hung up on him.

“Dean?” Cas asked, his voice nervous and on the verge of cracking.

“How long?” The omega demanded, leaning towards the chair he had walked into. Cas answered with a confused frown.  
“How long have you been in love with me?”

The alpha gulped.

“How long?” Dean repeated

“Years. Pretty much all the time I have known you.” Castiel admitted, looking very, very small.

“Why haven’t you told me before?”

“I know you are not attracted to men, Dean. I feared it would change the nature of our friendship. I value that too much.”

“And Sam knew?” The omega asked, feeling weirdly betrayed that his brother had not said a thing.

“Yes.”

“I need a shower.” He growled, leaving the dining room in favour of the bathroom. He needed to get away from Cas for a moment. Needed his brain to get things together and work. He did not see the hurt look on the alphas face as he hurried away.

 

The cold water streaming down did little to nothing to ease him. The omega had no idea what to do with what he had just overheard. Cas knew. And he was in love with him. What the heck? How come that Dean had never noticed? His friend was usually as subtle as a dwarf winking around with a drawbar. Sighing he massaged the soap into his scalp, for a moment just enjoying the sensation of cold water running down over his overheated body.  
From earlier experience he knew that his heat had yet to hit him on full force. He was wanting, body automatically reacting to the smell of alpha, wanting to draw him closer and have him. But he was still able to control himself.

When he got out of the bathroom, Cas was standing uncomfortably where Dean had left him, apparently unable to decide what to do.

“Do you want me to leave?” The alpha slowly asked.

Forehead crinkled in a frown, Dean slowly shook his head.

“Cas, this is going to suck big time no matter if you stay or go.” The green eyed omega admitted reluctantly. “And… Well, I don’t want to be alone. It is not like I can go out to get groceries the next few days, you know? But please don’t do anything.”

“I won’t Dean.”

“You say that now. And I trust that you will try Cas, I really do. But how many omegas have you been around when their heat hits full force?” The alpha did not answer that, so Dean continued. “I am going to beg you to fuck me, knot me and breed my full Cas. And while my body may crave that when the heat hits, I do not.” Dean sank. “And you will want to do that. ’cause that is nature, you know? And I really, really do not want to be alone. Who knows what I will do? I haven’t had a Heat in so long. I could go out on the street and get a stranger to knot me there for god’s sake. I don’t know. I can’t do this.” Dean was aware that his voice started cracking, and he found himself in another safe embrace, surrounded by the smell of home and Cas. 

“Please don’t leave me.” He added in a broken voice, hating how weak and pathetic he sounded. That he needed Cas to stay.

“I won’t Dean.” The alpha promised again, slowly rubbing his back in soothing circles. “I… Sam told me what happened at your first heat. I will not do that to you. I am so sorry you had to go through that in the first place.”

Dean slowly relaxed into the embrace, allowing himself to listen to the soothing tone of Cas words. He could be mad at Sam later for giving out his past like that later. Maybe it was a good enough thing that the alpha knew. Maybe he would understand everything better now that he did.

 

“Thank you.” He whispered into the shirt of his darkhaired friend.

“What for?” Castiel sounded confused.

“Not running in the other direction, I guess. I am trouble and you know that. Yet you stay here. I know it cannot be easy on you. Heck, you are an alpha. Being around me sucks for you at the moment.” Dean tried to explain.

“You are worth it.” Cas stated, and Dean really, really wished that he could believe what the alpha told him


	7. Please, Alpha!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is having a hard time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am feeling really inspired to write at the moment. Hope you guys like this chapter! 
> 
> And well, this is my first attempt on alpha/omega-smut-ish stuff. Hopefully it has turned out alright :)
> 
> If sexy things ain´t really your thing you can jump to the next chapter without missing any major plot points.

Dean managed to sleep most of the night, and for that Castiel was grateful. His fever increased during his sleep, causing him to turn around and becoming more and more restless. The alpha did not sleep that night. Instead he let Dean use him as a pillow, held awake by the sweet and intense smell of omega in heat. When the omega had felt asleep in the first place he had tried jerking off in the bathroom. And though the orgasm had been enough to get him to his knees, it really had not done anything to settle his libido. He was hard again pretty much as soon as he returned to the bedroom. Dean had made it clear that he wished Cas in there and he had found himself unable to tell the omega no.

 

At dawn Dean started to wake up, starring at Cas with parted lips, eyes glazed with fever and raw lust.

“Please. Need you alpha.” If the alpha had not already been rock hard in his pants, that would defiantly had done it. How the hell did he think he would be able to manage to get through this with Dean without touching him?  
Dean crawled even closer, the smell of heat blending in with his arousal.

“I can’t Dean. I am truly sorry.” He gently tried, stroking his feverish forehead with a gentle touch.

“Hurts alpha.” Dean protested, his voice on the edge of breaking. Cas had never had a heat, but from what he had heard, the sexual desire would be almost painful if not helped out.

“I know. It will be over soon, alright?” Cas bit his lower lip. It pained him to see Dean like that. His beautiful friend, usually so independent, reduced to a begging mess. He would possibly have seen things differently if he could get his knot where they both wanted it, but even though Dean wanted it at the moment, Castiel knew that it was the heat and not his friend talking.

 

“Dean?”  
The omega looked up, giving him a blank stare. His eyes where shiny, cheeks red.

“Do you have any… Erhm. Toys?” The alpha asked, trying his best to not blush. He wasn’t a virgin, goddamit. But the thought of Dean playing with toys like that got his blood rushing straight south, and apparently to his cheeks as well.  
Dean just stared at him like he had no idea what the alpha had just asked. When he continued to not say anything, Cas elaborated:

"You know... Omega toys? For the heat?”

“Why would I need them? I have you.” Dean answered in a stubborn tone.

“Just…” He sighed. “Do you have any?”

“No.”

“I will get you some in that case.” The alpha said. He tried to get up, but before he had the first leg out of the bed, Dean had grapped his arm.

“You can’t go alpha. Need you here.”  
And of course, Castiel found himself unable to say no to that either. Instead he got Dean coached into a pair of boxers and out into the kitchen for some breakfast.

 

There was food in the kitchen, but not really the things Cas knew would be good for omega in heat. It seemed that their bodies (at the least according to his biology-teacher who had taught him about sex in high school) had too many hormones to manage difficult food. Kinda like beta women badly affected by their cycle.  
Preferably the food should be easy digestible and with high content of vitamins and minerals. And lots of fluid too. And while the food would be good at any other times, he felt pretty sure that most of it would make Dean throw up or give him a sore stomach, and Cas had no desire to make things even less pleasurable for his friend.  
When he turned around from the fridge, it was to a flustered omega wiggling uncomfortably in his seat. The smell of fresh slick made it pretty clear why.  
The alpha cursed under his breath. Why hadn’t he thought about the ridiculous amount of slick an omega in heat produced? That was the entire reason for why he should make sure Dean got down enough fluid in the first place for god’s sake.

“I am so sorry Dean.” He said, walking over to his friend. Dean responded with a confused look.

“I cannot imagine that boxers is particular comfortable for you at the moment…” Cas elaborated, causing the omega to slowly shake his head.

“Would prefer naked. In the bed. With you.” The omega admitted, cheeks getting even redder. It seemed that sitting in the chilled kitchen wearing next to nothing cooled him. down just enough to make him somewhat lucid or whatever.

“Sorry about that too.” He added. He was truly sorry. And his dick was sorry too but for entirely other reasons. His body did not agree with his decision about not taking advantage of Dean what so ever.

 

How he managed to get the omega to wear pull-ups to take care of the slick, he had no fucking idea. Well, from what he had seen in the stores they weren’t that different from the large pads or whatever omegas could get. Any way it seemed to work pretty damned fine, a lot better than Dean soaking through his boxers faster than Cas wanted to think about.

At several points during the day, he walked in on Dean taking care of himself. If the smell of omega in heat was not bad enough to make him do regrettable things, aroused omega, spread all open, wet and ready for him was pretty damned close. More than once he just left the juice, water or simple foods on the bedtable and ran out into the bathroom to take care of his throbbing dick, knot already inflated and ready to fill his mate up good.  
He was just as much a victim of his own biology as Dean was, he realised after he had jerked off for the third time that day. While he wanted Dean badly, it was not like that. Not when his friend was unable to truly consent. Castiel doubted that Dean would want him if he had not been in heat.

 

At the late afternoon, it was clear that toys where needed, or at the least something more than Deans own fingers. Cas had been hiding on the other side of the bedroom door, when he heard Dean cry out from pain. His arm had started cramping, protesting over the awkward angle he used to get release from the waves of heat.  
Only problem was that the omega still refused to let Cas go anywhere, clinging to his arm and begging him not to leave. The smell of heat was shortly overpowered by the metallic smell of fear, and he had to promise not to leave one more time. It seemed that Dean was convinced that he would not return if he did or that something bad would happen if he got out of the apartment.

Naked omega in his arms, crying from the lack of release and high fever, Cas had no fucking clue what to do. He had tried calling Sam before that episode without response, then his brother who apparently had thought he was joking and said something like “go get them Cassie!” before ending the call. Gabriel could really be an asshole sometimes.  
The alpha felt like he was on the verge of tears. He was unable to help his omega. Unable to keep him satisfied or give him what his body craved so badly. He was fucking useless. It would be better if Dean had just let him go out that door and get those fucking toys.  
Holding Dean close he wondered what the hell he could do to help him.  
A ding-dong sound interrupted his thoughts, and he coaxed Dean into the bedroom while shouting that he would be there in a second. Dean was too exhausted to protest, though the watery eyes he send Cas was heart-breaking. The alpha felt pretty sure Dean was not supposed to be that exhausted already. After days of sex or masturbation it seemed natural enough, but he was less than 24 hours into his heat, and already seemed like he was on the verge of passing out.

 

To his surprise his older brother was standing on the other site of the door, holding a big box in his arms. One look at Cas made Gabriel’s smile fade into a serious look.

“Is it really that bad?”

“Yeah.” Cas slowly admitted. “I would not have called you if it was not. He won’t let me leave the house. I got no fucking clue what to do Gabe. It isn’t like I can give him what he wants. He would hate me for that later on, and right now I think he hates me for not doing it. I feel so fucking useless. What kind of alpha am I? We are not even a day into this shit, and I am almost ready to just… You know. Give up or whatever.”

“You are doing what you can baby bro.” Gabriel assured him, handing him the box. “Everything you could possibly need is in there – heat-friendly food too.”

“Thank you.” Castiel said.

“Go take care of your omega. It reeks out here even. And I am beta – I should not be affected. But that shit is strong.” Gabe gave him a pad on the arm before walking down the hall. Cas had never felt more grateful for his brother.

 

Dean did not seem very pleased by the toys, complaining that he wanted his alpha, not a fake knot. Cas ended up leaving the bedroom before Dean could do more than complaining. He wanted to make food for the omega, but a loud moan escaped through the door, making the alpha freeze in place. One thing was smelling Deans arousal, but hearing it without being able to touch him was borderline to torture. Leaning against the door he tried breathing deeply into his shirt.

“Cas? You there?” The omegas voice rasped from the bedroom. Cas could smell himself. The rich and musky smell of aroused alpha was seeping from him.

“Yes?” It occurred to him that Dean had used his nickname for the first time that day.

“I want you so badly alpha.”  
Cas leaned against the door, closing his eyes. He wanted Dean badly too, but did not tell him so. Instead he decided on quite a different approach.

 

“I know Dean. You have been so good for me.” He told the omega through the door. “You are so strong, so beautiful. Can you smell what you do to me?”

“Yes alpha.”

“What are you doing right now?” Cas asked, voice low and almost on the edge of growling.

“I am on the bed. Naked. And I need you alpha. Need you so bad.”

“I know. Do you have your toy within reach?”

“Yes alpha.” It sounded more like a moan than actual words, and Castiels hands found their way down to his throbbing dick. He was craving Dean more than anything.

“Spread wide open like you would do for me.” He started, slowly talking Dean into fucking himself with the toy, first without the vibrator turned on, then with. Hearing the omega moan loud and unashamed through the door as he came made Cas come in his pants like a horny teenager. He could not get himself to feel ashamed by that, too blissed out and relaxed by the sensation.

It took him several minutes to get to his feet. First he checked to Dean, who was blinking tiredly at him. Cas gently stroke his hair while praising him in a gentle tone. He had no idea if the omega even cared. On the way to the bathroom he grabbed a pair of Deans boxers, his own soaked with semen. He had no spares with him, as he had not intended to stay more than a night anyway.

 

Gabriel had stocked the box with meal-replacement shakes, juices and other gentle food with high nutrition. Cas decided on a shake and juice for Dean when he woke up from his nap. Cas sighed. It was going to be some fucking long days.


	8. Sleeping beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usually Cas loves to watch a sleeping Dean. Enjoying how innocent and relaxed his features can be in his sleep. Usually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you guys think. I have added som tags because of this chapter :)  
> Completly honest, I know shit about hospital-stuff. So if I have fucked up something, please let me know :)

Castiel had to help Dean into a sitting position so he could get the shake. Sitting with one arm around him for support made it easy to feel how hot his friend was. It felt like he was burning up.

“I think you should get a shower Dean.” He suggested once the shake was gone. The omega shook his head, whimpering.

“Don’t want to alpha.” He protested. “Too hot.”

“Would you mind if I took care of it then? Washed you?”

“Please.”

And that was how Cas ended up cleaning dried semen and slick of his friend. His soft spot for Dean making it impossible for him to say no to the omega, or simply carrying him into the shower and start the water. It seemed that Dean enjoyed the chilled washcloth though.

Seconds after he had washed his hands and dried them, the doorbell chimed again. Frowning he opened the door, starring at the chest of Sam Winchester.

 

“Hello Sam.” He greeted, looking up on Deans gigantic little brother.

“How is he?” Sam asked, concerned look on his face as Cas stepped aside to let Sam inside the apartment. The soft click of the door made Sam turn around, face twisted into an angry snarl.

“I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU AROUND HIM!” He growled in a way every alpha would be envious about. Cas backed half a step.

“What are you talking about?” His blue eyes where wide in terror. Had he done something wrong that Sam had noticed so soon after stepping into the apartment?

“You reek of sex.” Sam snarled, stepping closer to Castiel. “Hell, the entire place stinks. I am a fucking beta – I should NOT be able to smell this!” It occurred to the alpha that his brother had said something similar earlier on.

“I haven’t Sam! We have not been engaging in sexual intercourse!” He protested. The beta did not seem anywhere nearby convinced.

 

The door to bedroom opened. Dean was wearing a pair of pyjamas pants, naked upper body and hair wet from sweating.

“Sammy, drop it. Cas haven’t engaged in sexual intercourse with me.” Dean smirked slightly to Cas, using his prefered way to say ´fucking` then gave his brother a hard stare. The alpha watched the silent conversation between the two brothers with interest, glad that Dean was lucid enough to talk. Maybe the shake had done something good for him?  
Sam went visably paler. “Oh.” He responded, starring at Dean, then Castiel.

“Sorry. I… uh. I really thought that you had Cas. I should know you better than that. I will… I will just go. Just wanted to make sure that everything was alright. You seemed pretty stressed in the voicemail.”

“I was.” The alpha slowly admitted, not looking at Dean. “Gabriel stopped by with supplies.” He explained, aware that at any time beside his heat, Dean would find it very embarrassing that Castiels brother had dropped of sextoys.

“I will send you some updates so you do not have to worry. I imagine that there are certain parts of your brother you would rather not see or know anything about…” The alpha smiled gently towards the beta, letting him know that he defiantly understood the outburst. Hell, if he had been in Sams shoes he would have done the same thing.  
He locked the door when Sam left and returned to Dean, who seemed to be feeling a little better. Coaxing him into getting down another glass of juice proved easier than he had anticipated.

... 

The second day of the heat went pretty much in the same matter. Cas got Dean to drink whenever he was lucid enough, made sure that he slept as much as possible and checked that his fever stayed at a somewhat reasonable level (at the least according to what he could find on google).

It was after dinner, when Cas was once again used as a human pillow, that he noted something smelled off. Dean was sleeping with his head on Castiels right thigh, arms curled around his knee. He had been reading. Wondering he sniffed the air, unable to really figure out what was going on. The omega was sound asleep, breathing evenly in and out. It did not smell like something was burning either, or anything poisonous seeping out from a half open bottle. He shrugged and returned to his reading, not wanting to disturb the sleeping guy on his lap.

Shortly after he had first noticed the weird smell, Dean started moving around, whimpering like he had a nightmare. The mix of omega in heat and distress had resulted in a weird smelling puzzle he did not solve until he could see the lines of worry and pain edged into Dean’s forehead.  
Castiel placed down the book and tried gently to shake the omega awake. The gentle touches had no effect, neither did speaking to him.  
The alpha started to get really worried when he could not wake up the sleeping omega. Dean did not seem to respond what so ever to his touches, not even when his shaking became more erratic and his gentle voice was replaced by yelling commands to the omega about waking up.

Placing a hand on Dean’s forehead made him pretty sure that his fever had spiked yet again. If he had been burning up before it was nothing compared to what he was doing at the moment. To be sure he gently wiggled himself free of omega. The ear-thermometer was not as precise as an anal he had been told, but there was just no way in hell he would penetrate Dean with anything at the moment. Especially not after the confrontation with Sam the day before he thought while waiting for the thermometer to do its thing.  
The bib sound indicated that it was done measuring. His fever was spiking at a 106. It had been high earlier, but not that alarming.  
Not feeling too good about anything he could do, he decided to get Dean to the emergency room. The omega was probably dehydrated and he needed stronger fever medication that paracetamol.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I am with an omega in heat. He is non-responsive and has a fever of 106.”

“How long have he been like that?”

“Half an hour maybe? He was fine when he went to sleep.” Cas frowned, worried. Had he reacted too late?

“Please stay where you are sir. I will send an ambulance with beta-staff to your location.” The woman in the other end of the line had most likely dealt with omegas and their alphas in heat situations before. There were good reasons for why most hospital staff was betas. They would not make alphas go nuts just by being near their omegas.

 

Cas unlocked the door and hurriedly packed extra clothing for him and Dean just to be on the safe side. The ambulance would most likely arrive in a few minutes he figured, pacing around in the living room, into Dean, back into the living room and so forth. He could not get himself to relax long enough to sit down and just wait. The alpha considered calling Sam too, but decided that he would wait until they were at the hospital and he actually had something to tell the beta.  
When the paramedics arrived they tried to wake Dean up as well, but beside from whimpering when touched, he did not respond to them either.

“Good thing you called us. Not all alphas wants anyone besides them to take care of your mates.” One of the paramedics told him, sending Castiel a short smile. He did not even bother correcting that they were not mated.

He locked the door after the paramedics who carried Dean on a stretcher. He had no idea where the keys to the impala was, and doubted that Dean would let him drive it anyway. Riding in the ambulance he kept biting his lower lip. He was nervous, having no idea what to expect from anything. Apparently the paramedic behind the steering wheel noticed his discomfort.

“Hey, don’t worry too much. It is not that uncommon that omegas fall asleep like that during their heat. Especially if they have been on suppressants for some time. It seems that their system is having a hard time with the hormones and such. So he will be alright.”

“Thank you.” Castiel mumbled, still worried none the less. He appreciated the gesture though.

Way too slowly for his likings they arrived at the hospital. The paramedics where guided down to an area made specially for treating omegas in heat. There was a similar block in the other end of the hospital for alphas in rut. Nobody wanted sick or hurt alphas and omegas near each other like that. It was too great a risk, and having hormone-based animalistic sex would not improve any’s condition.

 

The doctor allowed Castiel to stay in the room with Dean while examining him. The examination did deem that his body where in hormonal overdrive, that he was dehydrated and had a bad fever. Once the omega was hooked up to an IV, the doctor started asking Castiel questions about pretty much everything there had went down during Deans heat. Cas answered the best he could, but the thorough questions left him blushing furiously when the doctor went to check on another patient. She seemed convinced that Dean would be alright though.  
Once the alpha felt sure that the omega was sound asleep in the hospital bed, he decided to give Sam a call. He was pretty sure that Deans brother would kill him if he did not.

“Hey Cas, what’s up?” Sam sounded groggy. Checking his watch told him that it was around 2 in the night. The beta had probably been sleeping.

“Hey Sam.” He answered. “Dean is in the hospital.”

“What?” Suddenly he sounded wide awake. “What the hell happened Cas?”

“He was fine earlier on. But when he seemed to have a nightmare I was unable to wake him up, his fever was spiking. So I called 911, and they wanted him in here.” He tried to explain.

“I am coming.” Sam said.

“Give me a call when you are getting nearby, then I will meet you in the waiting room.” Cas promised. Sam said goodbye and hung up, and Castiel returned to be with Dean.

Sam arrived no longer than half an hour after that, hair and eyes wild. It occurred to Cas, that maybe it was not the first time he had seen his big brother in a hospital like that.  
The doctor returned from her rounds just after they had returned to their room.

“We are currently checking his vitals and hormonal levels. Besides from being dehydrated and having a high fever everything seems fine. I am still waiting for the last labtests, but so far nothing is worrying me. From what Castiel have told me, it may be something as simple as a stress reaction. I can gather that Dean has been under a lot of pressure lately, and having his heat on top off that after so long on suppressants…” She shrugged. Castiel could hear Sam breathing out. He had feared something very wrong, that much where clear.

“He should be fine. I will keep you updated and check in later tonight.” She promised, an assuring smile around her lips.

“Thank you.” Sam said. Cas gazed to him. He looked like he was almost in tears from relief.


	9. Hospital chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is still out of it, so Sam and Cas decides to have a cup of coffee. Seeing Dean like that in a hospitalbed brings up memories from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may see, there have been added a few new tags as warnings for this chapter. Sam does not know enough about what happened to Dean to get into gory details, but keep in mind that this may be emotional for some of you. 
> 
> Hope you like it. :)

After they had stayed, looking at Deans sleeping figure like a pair of creeps, Castiel suggested that they got themselves a cup of coffee. It seemed possible that Dean would sleep until the next morning or at the least a few hours more, and he could feel his eyelids dropping. Caffeine was defiantly needed, preferably in large quantities.

“Are you alright Sam?” He asked when they were seated in the cafeteria. Why it was open at that ungodly hour he had no idea, but he was grateful that he could get his coffee from a French press instead of a machine.

“No, not really.” The younger Winchester dragged a hand through his hair.

“You heard the doctor. He will be fine.” Cas tried to assure.

“Yeah. I know. But he was not fine the last time he was brought into hospital… And while he looks better this time… it is just difficult for me not getting my thoughts back there, you know?”

“That was after he was raped in his first heat, right?” The blue-eyed man asked, head tilted. Sam nodded slowly, like he was unsure how much he should tell Castiel. If Cas knew the Winchester boys correctly, Sam had never talked with anyone about how the things had affected him. Those two had a relationship worth envying, ready to sacrifice everything for one another.

“He wasn’t just raped.” Sam admitted slowly. Cas had nearly not heard him as he mumbled down into his coffee. He found himself frowning deeply, head tilted again. Torn between asking Sam what he obviously needed to talk about, and respecting Deans privacy, he said nothing but let the bigger man decide what he wanted to do.  
It seemed that Sam was thinking the same thing. He quieted, drinking his coffee slowly with his eyes directed away from Castiel. Then, slowly as he neared the buttom of the cup, he started talking.

 

“You know that him being omega came as a shock to all of us, right? Hell, he was a big kid already back then, broad shoulders and high for his age. Strong. Dad was so proud of him. He was never very pleased with my interests in books over cars.” He shrugged. “Anyway would Dad look forward for Dean hitting his secondary puberty and present as alpha.  
He didn’t.  
Dean panicked I think, ’cause he left, even though he would have been close enough to his first heat to know. He was gone for a day or so, coming home shaking all over from fever, crying. Stinking like he had tried to drown himself in whiskey and beer. I got him into bed, thinking that the worst was over. Really, I should have known better than that.” It occurred to Castiel that the way Sam spoke suggested that he felt rather guilty about what had happened to his big brother, even though he could have done nothing to prevent it.

“The next morning he was gone again. Dad was furious at first, Deans door locked and he thought… hell, he though Dean had taken off again. I thought so. Until he got the door open. There was blood in his room. A few things had been knocked down, but not really enough to cause suspicious noise in the middle of the night. Or so said the police officer.  
I was sleeping in the room next door. I should have heard, you know?  
He was gone for almost two months. I had no idea if he were dead or alive in that time. Kept his room ready for him to get back home.” Sams voice cracked, and Castiel gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You could not have done a thing Sam.” He gently assured one of his oldest friends. He knew Sam would have done anything he thought possible to save Dean.  
Sam shook his head, not agreeing with that statement before continuing.

“There was a major police-search. They found that some of the blood in Dean’s room matched a man already in their archives. Alistair.  
I researched that man. And god I wish I had not done so. I kept having images of Dean in my head. They would not go away. Forced, beaten, bloody, dead.” His voice was lifeless, so where the eyes, like he tried to dissociate himself from his memories.

“He was not just known by the police. What he had done to others. It was so gruesome. After that I felt certain that I would not see Dean again. Very few of his victims had managed to escape alive, most found dead in ditches.  
And while the police knew about him, they had no idea where he was. The tracks went cold quickly, and we were left waiting.  
Dad started drinking even more. Instead of being drunk once in a while, he was pretty much pass-out-drunk most of the time. He obsessed. I once walked into his office, seeing the walls covered in articles, pictures and wire connecting dots where no dots where to be connected.” Sam sank, and Cas gently asked if he wanted another cup of coffee. The big moose of a man nodded gently, and Cas returned soon with damping hot coffee for both of them, knowing that holding something in his hands might be grounding for Sam. He had started fidgeting with a loose thread on his sweater.

“I were so scared Cas. I was scared that I had truly lost Dean, at that I would lose dad in the process too. He was grieving and blaming himself for not making sure that Deans room had been properly secured. That they had fought when Dean had come home that night, stinking like a distillery. I heard them through the walls after I had put Dean in bed.  
Almost two months passed without a lead. Then we got a call from the police. A young John doe had been admitted to a hospital in the neighbour state, matching Deans description. We were to ID him.  
They warned us that he where in pretty bad shape.” A bitter laughed escaped Sam, he shook his head.

“What is pretty bad shape? I had no idea.  
It was Dean though. Barely alive. He had been beaten so badly that even Dad and I had to take second looks at him. In the end Dad could confirm it was Dean based on his smell, though that was obstructed by that fact that he was in the middle of a miscarriage at the time. He was still wearing that little piece of jewellery in a leather cord I had given him for Christmas so many years earlier.

The doctors weren’t sure that he would even make it. There were times where they called us in hurriedly to say our last goodbyes, because he would most likely not make it through the night.

To this day I still have no fucking clue how he pulled through all that.” Sam bit his lower lip before sipping his coffee. Castiel remained silent, figuring that the young beta would talk if he felt like he needed to say more.

 

“He was so scared when he had the first symptoms of his second heat. Still in the hospital and all. They had to keep him drugged through all of it, his panic attacks so violent that he was a danger to himself.” Sam frowned. “I know that he would have preferred suppressants right away, but the doctors refused. His body needed a natural heat after the miscarriage to settle or whatever. I did not really care at the time.

Once we got him home he had been gone almost half a year, counting both the time he was abducted and in hospital.  
He was so scared in the beginning. Dad had to put locks on his windows and make sure no one could break in that way. Most nights he slept with me, just in case. Might have been that he just tried to comfort me, but I sort off doubt that looking back.

It took so long before he was able to return to school and have a somewhat normal life. At times I think dad considered getting him confined to psychiatric care, but if even seeing a shrink were suggested he would scream, panic or refuse to talk to us for days. Or a combination of all three.  
I won’t say that he was destroyed. But it was pretty damn near that.”

 

Cas swallowed before Sam continued.

“I am surprised that he has taken his heat so well to be honest. I had expected him to be scared out of his right mind. I have no idea what you do to him, but whatever it is, please keep doing it. He won’t admit it, especially not to himself, but I think that he is in love with you as well. I can see the signs. I hear how he is talking about you. How he praises you. ” Sam smiled for a moment, eyes on his half empty cup of cold coffee.  
“But I don’t think that he wants to acknownledge how he feels. Dad may play a part in that.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked, puzzled look on his face.

“Well, if I do not recall the argument at the night Dean was taken wrongly, it was something about that Dean maybe was an omega, but at the least he would not be a fucking faggot getting himself knocked up by the first knothead smiling nice or something like that.” Sam answered ice in his face all of a sudden.   
“Dad could really be an asshole. He may have been trying to protect Dean in his own was though. Being omega, especially male is not exactly easy in our world. But his methods sucked big time.”  
Sam was quiet for a while, before turning his hazel eyes to Castiels blue.

“God knows that I care about you Cas. But if you hurt my brother, I will make sure that you regret it. He made it through last time somehow. I don’t think he will again.”

Cas nodded to that. What else could he possibly do? He knew Sam meant well, and he could not begin to make the beta understand how much he cared about his older brother. Most off all Cas wanted to hide Dean in a nest and make sure that no harm came to him ever again, but the omega would sure as hell fight him if he tried.

“Thank you for telling me this Sam. I knew that Dean had his problems, but I had no idea into what direction or to what extent. You may feel like this was not yours to tell me, but I don’t think Dean will ever want to talk about what happened, no matter how much he need to.”

Sam snorted, a weak smile around his lips as they walked towards Deans room. “He is a stubborn fool sometimes. I love him, but once in a while I feel like smacking him in hope that he will wake up or something.”

“You are not the only one.” Cas admitted, sighing as he gently pushed open the door to Deans ward room.

 

Dean stirred when they walked in, slowly blinking and looking at them with unfocused eyes.

“Wh..” His voice cracked. “Where am I?”

Cas sat down in a chair beside his bed to explain what had happened, Sam sitting on the edge of the mattress, gently petting Deans hair, mostly to calm himself, Cas believed


	10. A walk in the park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas cleans out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I guess this may not be the worlds most interesting chapter. I did however feel the necessity of it. The next chapters will most likely be from Deans POW :)

Dean was confused and sleeping again shortly after that conversation. Sam tried to get the alpha home for a few hours of sleep, Cas refusing like the stubborn man he was. He felt that he should stay close to Dean. Protect him. The omega really brought up all his protective instincts, some of which he had no idea that he had.  
In the end though, he knew, rationally, that Sam was right. He needed sleep and there was no use for Dean if both of them ended up sleeping in uncomfortable hospital chairs.

Castiel did not take a taxa home though. Instead he left for Deans place, still having the keys. He felt pretty sure that his friend would appreciate if the entire apartment did not stink like heat and sex when he arrived home from the hospital, so Cas had decided on cleaning up a little. First thing he did was opening all the windows, letting natural air do its work while he slept. It would be unfair to the neighbours if he started vacuuming or centrifuging with the washing machine at shit o clock in the night.

After he had changed the sheets and left the old for wash, he pretty much collapsed on the bed, exhausted from a very emotional night. Rest would not come to him however. His mind kept walking over what Sam had told him.  
Could Dean really be in love with him? If it had been anyone but his brother who had told Cas so, he would have dismissed it in the moment. But Sam knew Dean better than anyone else. They talked often and Sam really cared for Dean, so no detail was left unnoticed.  
Well, what Dean had been through earlier at the least explained why Sam had been so reluctant with letting Cas meet him in the first place. An alpha could quickly bring out feelings neither wanted to return. They had been friends long before Sam even mentioned that he had an omega brother. As far as the alpha understood, omegas, and especially males, where often target for ridicule and degradation from especially alphas. For some reason they were thought of as less because there biology differed, enabling them to carry children.  
Cas had never really understood how the miracle of life should make anyone lesser of a being, though he had to admit that the effect of being around an omega in heat was a challenge in many ways. But would have reacted so strongly if it had not been Dean? He doubted. Most other omegas smelled foul to him. So sweet that it almost became nauseating or a weird, bitter tangy sent. Dean however smelt perfect to him.  
His thoughts continued to get less and less coherent until he fell asleep just before the sun raised in the horizon.

 

Castiel did not sleep long. Sam had left him a few texts when he woke up, just updates that Dean was still sleeping. One that he had woken up again, confused and anxious and asked for Cas before the nurses had given him a gentle dose of calming meds. It would normally not be enough to do anything significant, Sam wrote, but because Dean had been so exhausted he had fallen asleep pretty fast after that again. Cas returned the messages with one, telling that he would take a little care of Deans apartment before returning to the hospital.  
And that was exactly what he did.

It took a few hours to get the place somewhat tidy, and after closing windows and locking the door, he headed to the hospital. Instead of calling for another cab he walked through the nearby park, from where he could take a bus the rest of the way. A little coffee shop on the way meant that his walked was accompanied with a steaming cup of French pressed special roasted coffee. The young man had given him one look, asked how he preferred his coffee and then handed him that, saying that it would be heaven for his taste buds.

Cas was inclined to agree with him, once the coffee had cooled enough for him to drink. Where the coffee he normally drank in large quantities was flat, this had a round taste. He found hints of nuts, sweetness like marzipan and a spicy aftertaste that he had never before encountered in coffee. For moments, while walking through the park he was entirely lost in the world of peace, coffee and fresh air. It almost felt like waking up when he walked through the gates and arrived at the bus stop. In his little fantasyworld he had allowed himself to imagine Dean walking beside him, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other hand intertwined with Cas. The warmth’s from coffee and Dean’s hand, the easy company. Oh how he wished that it was reality.

 

Arriving upon the hospital, he was greeted by the nurse who had been there when he left. She gave him a short update on Dean before heading home. He was grateful that she took the time, even though she was technically off.  
Sam was dozing off in the chair when he arrived in the wardroom, barely registering the fact that Cas walked in the door. Dean too, lips slightly parted. The alpha could not help but notice how much younger the Winchester brothers looked when they were sleeping like that. It was almost like someone had erased all the deep lines of worry which tended to be on their faces, making them look so much older than they actually was.

The younger Winchester had always made Cas think, that maybe there was something about reincarnation. Something in his eyes and the way he acted made him seem so much older than he was in human years. Dean had another way of being. Cas was pretty sure that the responsibilities from a young age had aged the sleeping man in front of him. Dean wanted to save the world, even if it meant his own destruction along the way. He really could not care less about himself, and that never failed to make the alpha sad. Somehow his friend kept missing to see how magnificent he truly was. How much people close to him loved and adored him. How he could brighten anyone’s day.  
To not disturb the two boys he sat down on the other chair as soundless as possible. Dean stirred slightly anyway, looking at Cas through his lashes, like opening his eyes where too much of a task. It was first there, that Cas noted how the smell of Deans heat seemed to wrap him into a cocoon of strong feelings. He wanted to wrap the omega into his arms, holding him close and make the world go away. He wanted to take away the burden that his friend seemed to carry. Wanted to see him smile from the bottom of his heart, something he had yet to endure. He had a feeling that it would be quite overwhelming though.

 

“Morning Cas.” He crooked, voice tired.

“Morning Dean. Have you slept well?”

The omega made an agreeing sound, closing his eyes again. For a moment he was just breathing evenly in and out, and Castiel was almost convinced that Dean was asleep again.

“You were gone tonight Cas.” Dean stated slowly.

“Yeah. Sam sent me home to get some sleep. I did not want to leave you.” The alpha admitted, slowly brushing hair away from Deans face. He was unsure if the gesture where too loving, but decided against that. After all he had seen the omega naked more than once the last few days.

“Mhmm.” The omega answered, leaning into the gentle caress, so he continued with gentle fingers.

 

 

Gentle knocks on the door reminded him where they were. A nurse arrived with a doctor, smiling gently to Cas to acknowledge his presence. Cas nodded towards them.

“Good morning alpha.” The doctor said, returning the nod.

“Good morning Doc. How are things looking?” Dean stirred beside him, slowly sitting up. He wanted to know the same thing that Cas where asking.

“Very well so far. It seems that your mate is going to be completely alright.” The doctor, a pretty male answered. If not for Dean, Cas might have found him attractive. “None of his tests came back with worrying results. We would like to keep him for the remainder of his heat though. He is responding well to the drugs, and given his history, I would say that it is the safest to keep him under for the next few days. Once his hormones have levelled out, we can do some more tests to ensure that everything is in order outside his heat too.”

They talked superficially beside from that. It was first when the doctor left that it occurred to Cas that he had referred to Dean as his mate, and that neither had corrected him. Dean was probably too out if it still, whereas Cas should have. They weren’t mates. Not even close too, no matter how much he would love to call Dean his.

 

The next few days in the hospital reminded pretty much of the first. Dean was somewhat lucid and coherent, but slept a lot of the time. Cas and Sam shifted to look after him so he never had to be alone, both of them calling in sick on their job and study.


	11. Home once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is back from the hospital, but his memories of the stay is foggy and unclear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer and more emotional chapter compared to what I have done so far. Hope you enjoy it. :) 
> 
> Your comments really means the world to me. It makes me so glad that I know someone enjoy what I write.  
> Warnings for self-blame, implied victim-blaming and low self-esteem.

Dean was confused when he woke up in his own bed that morning. It did not smell like heat. It smelled like home. Something intertwined with his own smell like it was meant to be there, soft and warm, promises of safety and good days. Like a summer night with bonfire, marshmallows and beers, good company. He wondered what caused that until he slowly got his eyes opened; looking into the soft features of a sleeping Castiel laying there in his bed like it was the most natural thing.  
At first the omega found himself utterly confused. What was Cas sleeping over for? Then the past few days came back to him, foggy like he had dreamed everything. Had he really been in the hospital?

Gently he stroked a piece of dark hair away from his alphas face, and then frowned upon his own thoughts. Cas was not his alpha. But lying like that, all relax and sleepy in Dean’s bed, he could just as well have been. He remembered gentle caresses, sweet words and being all ready to take what the alpha had refused to give him. His cheeks heated while he thought of how Cas had refused to knot him, no matter how much he had begged for it. That was one of the reasons why he hated being in heat. The lack of control. But everything considered it could have been so much worse. Cas had not taken advantage of him at any point.  
He gently continued his caressing of the soft, dark hair, eyes on the alpha that looked so innocent in his sleep. Dean felt embarrassed about what he remembered, but the darkhaired man sleeping in front of him had been nothing short from wonderful. A lesser man would have taken advantage of Dean’s state.

 

Slowly he drifted back to sleep again, only to wake up hours later, alone in the bed. Confused he looked around for Cas in the bedroom. Had his alpha left him? Dean mentally slapped himself for thinking about Cas that way. The smell of alpha was still lingering there, making him feel happy and safe. It was first when he heard a frustrated voice from the kitchen that it occurred to him that maybe the alpha had simply left the bed and not Dean.

He got up, changed out of his night-time underwear, refusing to think about what it really was, and into a pair of boxers and sweatpants. He could not remember that he had taken those on the night before though. Had the alpha dressed him for bed? The thought left him with burning red cheeks.  
It turned out that Cas had decided on making him pancakes and bacon for the morning. To Deans surprise it was not the food there had turned out giving the alpha problem, but apparently his coffee machine was. Grinning he pushed the growling alpha away from the machine, taking care of the matter. Soon enough the smell of freshly brewed coffee intertwined with pancakes and bacon in the same easy symphony that their smells did. No, he could not think like that.

 

“So what made you decide to try and kill my coffee machine before Satan himself got up?” He asked, tone light and teasing. Castiel blushed as a response, mumbling something incoherent while turning the pancakes around to make sure that they were evenly baked on both sides.

“It smells wonderful Cas. Thank you.” Dean tried instead, hoping that the alpha would understand that he thanked him for everything else he had done over the last few days.

“No problem. I was hungry too, you know?” The alpha answered with a bright smile.

“Yeah. Coffee should be ready in a few.” Dean shrugged, putting plates, Mable syrup and cups on the table. The alpha had started humming while he baked the last few pancakes, and to his surprise Dean recognized the song. Had they really spent enough time together for Cas to adopt his likings in music? He would like to think so, given how uneducated into the wonders of rock the alpha was.

 

The pancakes could have been burned for all that Dean cared. A part of him really, really appreciated that the alpha took care of him like that. Another could not help but feel that he did not deserve the attention and affection that he was shown. After all Cas should have been running into the other direction years before that morning. Dean wanted to dismiss it with the alpha being stupid, but he knew better. Cas was brilliant in so many ways. And he deserved so much better than Dean.  
Lost in thoughts Dean ate his pancakes and bacon in silence. He was aware that the alpha looked at him once in a while, blue eyes worried.

“You don’t need to look at me like that, Cas.” He mumbled, sending the alpha what should have been a reassuring smile.

“You seem worried, Dean.”

“Nah. Just tired. I am trying to puzzle together what has happened the last few days. My memories are kind off hazy.” He explained with a shrug.

“If you would like it, I don’t mind filling out the blank spaces.” Cas offered, the gravelly voice accompanied with one of his gentle smiles. Dean refused to think about how much he liked the sound of Cas talking.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Well, how about you tell me what you remember, and then I can tell you what you may have missed?”

 

Dean nodded and started talking. It seemed that he remembered most correctly, though his memories of the hospital stay were screwed over by the fact that he had been drugged most of the time. Cas added a little and elaborated a lot. Neither talked about the two days they had been in the apartment, just thinking about it left them flustered and with burning cheeks.  
When they were done, Cas got both of them another cup of coffee.

“You know Dean, what happened does not make me think any less of you.” The alpha slowly said, blue eyes burning into Dean’s skin. He refused to look at his friend, afraid that he was lying. Why wouldn’t it? He had lost control to the point where he had been a fucking begging mess, asking for things he really did not want.

“It should.” He protested.

“Why? It is not your fault and has nothing to do with who you are Dean. I know you heard me tell Sam that I was in love with you. I still am. To me this has changed nothing.”

Dean looked up, the alpha looked almost sad. But who wouldn’t be sad to be in love with a mess like him?

“You deserve better Cas. I am just some fucked up omega whore. You could be with someone not damaged and broken, you know? Hell you deserve someone like that.”

The sad looked changed to worry as Dean observed the quiet alpha. Cas seemed to think really hard about what he wanted to say.  
“Why are you thinking so low of yourself Dean?” He asked. “Do you really believe that you do not deserve better?” Cas voice were shaking Dean noted, and he looked away in embarrassment. The alpha should not worry about him like that. He deserved someone better. How could he not see that?

“I don’t Cas. I am just realistic. That is how everyone should see me. I am no good. Hell, I am beyond fixing. What could you possibly want with me?”

“You are not beyond fixing Dean. You have been through hell, and still you stand tall. That life hasn’t been fair against you does not mean, that you do not deserve better.” Cas started, passion and a slight growl in his voice. He was not angry at Dean, but at whoever had made him believe that he was worth so little. It was obvious that the alpha was unsatisfied with the way Dean saw himself.  
“You are a bright soul, even I can see that. You make me happy. Can you really not see how much better I have been with you in my life? I don’t want to imagine a future without you. I don’t need you to be anything for me; I just need you to be in my life.  
You keep fixing everyone around you. You keep sacrificing yourself for the sake of others, even people you do not know or like. Why can I not do want to do that for you? I wish for nothing else than seeing you happy Dean. For you to be able to see yourself the way I see you.” Cas was almost panting from his speech, eyes wide with worry. Dean was torn between wanting to slap the alpha, kiss him and run away.

 

A few moments passed in awkward silence.

“Cas…” He crooked, looking shortly into the magnificent blue eyes, then down into his coffee. “I am sorry. I cannot be to you what you want me to. I want to see you happy as well, but you won’t be so with me. You really don’t know what you are asking for.” He was aware of how his voice cracked, how sad and broken and sad it sounded. “You would be better off alone, you know? I would just drag you down with me. And I do not want to be the one destroying you.” He looked up at the alpha, vision blurred from tears he had not been aware of before.

“You don’t need to save me Dean. I just want to be a part of your life. Seeing you happy is the greatest gift I could ever be given.” Cas said, leaning forward. Gently he stroke the tears away from his cheeks. “I get that you may not feel about me as I feel about you, and I do not blame you for that.”  
He slowly shook his head, not knowing what to say. He cried silently for what he was sure that he had destroyed. How could someone like Cas possibly be in love with someone like him? He refused to believe that it was even a possibility.

 

“Sam told me about your first heat when you were at the hospital.” Cas suddenly broke the silence. “I could gather that you father would not approve of you being in a relationship with another man. And I won’t ask you to be.  
But I want you to know that to me, you smell like what have been missing from my life. You smell like safety, what family should be. The clean smell after a night with heavy rain, where the air is unspoiled by pollution.  
You are not the only one with skeletons packed into the closet Dean, but you do make me feel like I could be more than my past. That maybe I deserve to be saved. And I hope that I in time can make you feel the same, no matter what you prefer me to be.”

“No Cas. You cannot be in love with me.” Deans words sounded more like a broken plea than anything else.

“I am, and nothing you can say or do will change that, Dean.” The alpha gently assured him, caressing his tear-stained cheek.

“Then Sam probably also told you that I deserved what I had coming, right? I went out when I was in heat Cas. That was downright stupid.  
I did not press charges against Alistair. I should have. Hell, he took others before me. I could smell their blood and fear. The entire placed was drenched in that. He took others after me… If I had just…” The silent tears where replaced by sobs. He did not deserve anything after that. It was his fault that others had been hurt the way he had. If he had just been smarter, or braver, he could have stopped the man. Made sure that no one else would suffer like he did. He should have talked to the police, told them everything instead of clamping up, too afraid of the public consequences if he talked.

Cas stopped his caressing, and for a moment Dean felt sure that the alpha would leave him like he had been left so many times before. Of course he would have nothing to do with such a coward. Hiding his face in his hands, he never noticed the alpha before he found himself in another tight embrace. Gentle words in a soothing tone flowed over him. He did not want to listen. He did not deserve to be comforted like that. Others had been hurt because of him. He should hurt.

Dean had no idea how long they were standing like that, Cas just holding him close while rubbing circles over his back and murmuring. His voice where soothing. Even though he felt like he did not deserve it, Dean could not help but lean into the embrace, let the alpha comfort him. His usually calming smell was disturbed by the rancidity smell of worry, but Dean let himself drown into it never the less. He knew he did not deserve it, but how could he turn the alpha away when he offered it like that?

“Dean?” Cas gently asked, sensing that the omega was starting to calm down just a little. Dean found himself nodding against Castiel’s shoulder.

“It was not your fault. I have no idea who has made you believe that it was. You were not responsible for getting abducted or raped, nor for not wanting to talk to the police and get everything ripped open so soon after you had been through so much.”

 

And Dean wanted to believe those words so badly. He just felt unsure if he could. If he were allowed to.


	12. Back to normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean enjoys a day in each others company before returning to work and movienights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LadyHawke72 has been a wonderful sparring partner for this chapter and the next one. I had no idea how big a help a beta really can be, but I am more than grateful. 
> 
> I am considering making updates on a weekly or biweekly basis depending on how much time and energy I have for writing. Do you guys prefer random days or having a day where you know that I will most likely update unless something goes wrong? 
> 
> Enjoy the boys having a cozy night. They may not last.

Cas stayed over another night.

Dean had no idea why the alpha would want to be close to him still. Self-disgust was piling inside of him like worms trying to eat him up from the inside. If he had not known better, he could have sworn that he could feel them moving. Feel them nipping in his inner organs, ripping down the thin barrier between his stomach acid and sensitive inner organs. They made him feel sick, and more than once he was on his way to the bathroom to empty the content of his stomach. Having those worried blue eyes follow him, gentle hands helping him back up and handing him glasses of water did not make him feel better. It only served to remind him of how much of a coward he was. How he could have saved others if he had just been man enough all those years ago. But he had not been. He did not deserve the comfort of his friend.

Somehow Cas managed to get him to fall asleep. He slept the entire night without nightmares. Not that he deserved so, but he did.

Cas was still sleeping when Dean got out of bed. He took a quick shower, feeling the need to get clean before he started cooking breakfast. Instead of pancakes and bacon he decided on an English-breakfast inspired breakfast. He had nowhere near anything needed, but he was able to cook up bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs and bread. The baked beans were gently heated in a small pot. Dean had never really figured out if he liked them though, but they sort of belonged in a traditional English breakfast never the less.

And like clockwork Castiel came stumbling into the kitchen, eyes on the coffee-pot like a drug addict would stare at their next fix. How the heck the alpha had managed to make breakfast before getting his coffee the day before, Dean had no idea.

“Sit down. Breakfast and coffee will be ready in a few, and I do not trust you with my coffee machine any longer.” Dean ordered. To him it was sort of amusing how the alpha just did as told. Most alphas would be opposed having an omega tell them what to do, but not Cas. So as promised he poured his bleary-eyed friend a big cup of coffee, hoping that he would wake up a little after that.   
Then he served them both a good portion breakfast and got himself a cup of coffee. The radio was softly playing in the background as they ate in silence, neither feeling like having a longer talk after the day before. Dean felt emotionally exhausted and Castiel seemed about as good as he felt.

 

“Sam called Bobby, by the way. Told him that you were sick and couldn’t make it.” Cas told him after breakfast. Dean was grateful for that. He had not even thought about work the previous days. “He said something about you being an idjit, and that you should get well soon. There was something about an older car waiting for you at the garage? I don’t know.” Castiel shrugged and sent Dean one of those gentle smiles that he had grown to love over time. 

"What day is it?” Dean found himself asking. He knew his heat started Friday. He remembered most of Saturday (though he wished he didn’t), but from there things got confusing and mixed up.

“Thursday.” Cas answered. “You were admitted Saturday night and stayed until late Wednesday. They did not want you out of the hospital smelling like heat or risking that you just had a particular long pause, so they kept you a little longer for good measure.”

“Mhm. Then I should probably call Bobby and tell him that I will be in tomorrow.” Dean sighed. “I miss having my hands in a car.” Instead of himself, but he did not say that. It was already embarrassing enough that Cas had seen him in heat, he did not need to make it any worse. Blushing like a fucking virgin he send his friend a warm smile.

“In that case I think I will return tomorrow to work as well.” Cas agreed. Dean was not the only one missing normalcy. “You have a time for bloodwork in next week. They want to carry out some tests, see why the suppressants failed and such. Your body seemed to be normal enough during heat, but as your doctor, said, things could look different out of it.”

Dean made a non-committable sound of disgust. Needles were not really his cup of tea, but at the same time he was aware that he should get things checked out. There was a reason for why his suppressants had failed, and he wanted to know why and get back on them as soon as possible.

 

“I get if you have had enough off me already, but are we still up for movie night tomorrow?” Dean turned around. How could Cas think that he had had enough off him? It should be the other way around if anything.

“Sure Cas.” He smiled widely. “Would not miss that for a thing. Getting back to normal includes our movie nights. And I have already planned out what we should watch.” He winked at the alpha, who looked deadpanned at him.

“I have no doubt about that Dean. Then I will see you tomorrow night. Should I bring some Chinese? Tomorrows dinner is on me.”

Dean shook his head. “Cas, you have done so much for me the past week. The least I can do is feed you.” Cas just lifted his brows at Dean, looking damned stubborn. Well, if the alpha insisted on bringing food, Dean could take care of everything else at the least.

 

Their goodbye ended up in another warm hug a little too long to be appropriate for just a simple see-you-tomorrow-hug, but Dean enjoyed it. Engulfed in the warmth scent of alpha and his arms he felt relaxed and safe. Maybe it was not too bad to like Cas. As friends. He had proved to be a reliable alpha. Trustworthy. Sammy thought so too, Dean figured, or else he would never had the two of the meet in the first place.

The apartment seemed empty without Castiel’s presence. Dean found himself scrubbing, cleaning and washing throughout the day. If he was unable to clean out the mess in his head, at the least he could clean out the one in his apartment. Around the time where the apartment was shiny and everything smelt like cleaning products and synthetic lemon, Dean’s stomach started to growl. He made himself an easy meal out of stuff from the fridge and enjoyed it in front of the TV. It felt good to be back home.

He slept well, curled around the pillow Cas has used the night before. Whereas the rest of the house had been cleaned for any signs of heat, omega and alpha, the bed still smelt like them. Smelt like home, he thought as he drifted off.

...

Being back on work had never felt so good. He had not felt like himself entirely the past few days, but being buried underneath the hood of a car, making sure that everything was in order, made him feel like Dean again. In the garage he was not just an omega. He was more than his secondary gender. No one cared if he could carry children while he worked on their cars. To them it was more important that he knew what he did.

Having a classic car parked outside also meant that a lot of veteran owners felt safer about letting him take care of their cars. More than once Bobby had been asked who the impala belonged to, resulting in some pretty picky car owners who refused to let anyone but Dean work on their car. He had once been treated badly by a costumer who had said that no omega whore should be working on his car. That Dean should get home and serve his alpha good instead of trying to fill out a job he could not. But Bobby had taken care of the idiot and made sure that Dean knew how valued he was, omega or not. So yeah, one could say that Bobby had become sort of like a dad to Dean over the past years and the garage a second home. So what?

That Friday went smoothly. He even sang along to eye of the tiger when the radio played it, not giving a shit that anyone heard or saw his improvised dancing session there followed along. He was in a good mood. Maybe he did not deserve to be so, but he would sure as hell enjoy it while it lasted.

“What has gotten into your pants kid?” Bobby’s grumpy voice asked later that day. His eyes however smiled towards Dean.

“Just glad to be back.” He answered with a shrug, smiling widely.

“It felt like years since I last had a hand inside a car.”

“Well, it is time to go home.”

“Yeah, I know. See you on Monday.” Dean answered, walking out into the bathroom to get the oil of his fingers.

 

Driving home was with loud music blasting through the car. He had cassette tapes, which Sam always teased him with, insisting that Dean should install a more modern radio inside the car. The omega had refused. Their dad had wanted to keep the car as original as possible, and while Dean knew he had not been right about everything, he could not help but agree on that one. No matter what Sam said or how much he groaned whenever he was forced to listen to Deans classic rock tape.

As promised Cas arrived around the usual time. Dean would have made dinner, but remembered that the alpha wanted to get Chinese for them. They enjoyed the boxes of takeaway in front of the television. For once it was not Dean who drifted off, but instead Cas who ended up using the omegas thigh as his private pillow. If Dean hat thought it possible he would have carried the alpha into bed. While he had a little on him in height, Cas was lean muscle mass and Dean doubted an attempt on carrying him around bridal style would end very well.

They slept close together that night


	13. Days passing by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week in Deans shoes, or rather mind, is not the most pleasant thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, sorry to those of you guys who feel like they should get happy. They will be in time, I promise you that, but getting there is butthard work. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it anyway. 
> 
> Warnings for more self-blaming, hateful thoughts, breakdowns and feely-feely stuff.

_I do not deserve Cas_.

Dean was starring harshly at his mirror image.

It was Saturday. Cas had left his place again, leaving Dean with his thoughts. He had wanted to kiss him so badly. A short moment of weakness and he had almost done so. But then his dad’s words had hit him. He was the oldest son of John Winchester and being an omega did not mean that he was a faggot too.

_Get yourself together, Winchester. There are plenty of girls out there. You do not deserve him anyway. He is honest. Good. Pure. You would just smite him. Make him like you. Wrong. Dirty._

Dean’s legs gave out on him slowly. Sinking down against the tiles in the bathroom, he was overwhelmed by his emotions. He was not aware of the wrecking sobs escaping his mouth. Curling around his legs, he could do nothing but listen to the words hitting him like someone was beating him.

 

On Monday, when Bobby asked if he had enjoyed his weekend, Dean had simply shrugged, sending his employer a wry smile. Honestly he had a hard time remembering what he had used his weekend on. Had he even seen Sammy like he usually did on Sundays? He felt unsure.

Being under the hood of a car seemed to be his saving grace that week. It was weirdly comforting that his worries in the garage were limited to what the cars presented as problems.

Grounding could be another word for it he figured on Wednesday.

Dean found himself lingering longer than he usually did at work. Not because he talked with anyone besides Bobby and occasionally a customer about what repairs were needed or what maintenance services they preferred out of different options.

Getting home to his empty apartment, left alone with his mind was not really an option.

Thursday he felt better.

Friday he felt good, once again singing along to the cassette tapes on his way home.

 

Dean even brought fresh ingredients for making him and Castiel dinner. He smiled to the cashier when paying. He brought a pecan pie at the local bakery for dessert.

They had a great evening. Dean more relaxed in the presence of the alpha then he had ever been before. He even managed to get the alpha to blush, the redness of his cheeks bringing out the magnificent blue of his eyes. The omega felt like a lovesick teenager for a moment before it occurred to him, that Cas and him did not belong together, no matter how many feelings either of them had for the other. He managed to push the thoughts away pretty fast and was more than capable of enjoying the rest of their evening together.

 

Then Saturday hit once again.

 

In the evening he gave up and texted Cas, unable to call him. He had not wanted him to worry and for that reason, he had not told him anything during their Friday movie night together. But fearing his thoughts more than worrying his friend he texted him never the less.

_Am I really that weak? Pathetic? I know I do not deserve him and still I keep asking him to come over. Like he wants to take care of my silly problems. I have already asked so much more of him that I could ever hope to repay._

When Cas arrived at his apartment he was no longer crying. Instead he starred emptily out into space, hurting too much to be able to do anything but just sit there.

“Oh Dean…” The gentle whisper was almost too much. Stubbornness kept the tears at bay more than anything else. He remembered the last time Cas had sounded like that. Humiliation overwhelmed him once again. Warm arms buried him in a nice embrace. No matter how much he hated that Castiel saw him like that, he could not bring himself to be sorry for texting him.

Cas managed to get him up. How long they had been on the floor? Dean had no clue. Pathetic, the voice in his head told him. His voice? John's? He was not sure. But he agreed. It was truly pathetic that he needed the alpha to get up from the cold tiles and into a chair in the kitchen. Noises told him that Cas was trying to make coffee for both of them. Dean was not sure if he should get up to help, but it seemed like too big of a task to move himself from the chair.

A steaming cup of black coffee was placed in front of him. The alpha sat down in the chair opposite of him with his own steaming cup, face concerned. Dean slowly took his cup, drinking it automatically, not caring that it was actually too hot for him to enjoy. The heat and slightly stinging pain from the coffee grounded him further. He felt able to meet the worried blue eyes instead of staring at Cas’s chin.

 

“How long have you felt like this Dean?”

The gravel voice disturbed his cocoon of silence. Disrupted his carefully assembled façade of having some sort of control over the situation. His eyes darted away from the blue eyes once again, unable to return the gaze. Dean swallowed loudly.

“I read your text Dean. You cannot possibly tell me that you are feeling alright, not after sending me something like that.” The sadness in the alpha's voice made something twist inside him. Cas shouldn’t care about him. He should find someone worthy of his love.

“I don’t know Cas.” He answered, voice flat and lifeless. “Since dad died? Maybe before that? I am not sure.”

“You need help.” The alpha simply stated, causing the omega to flinch like the words were painful to him.

“I don’t.” Dean growled. “Help is for people with problems. People who _deserve_ to get better.” Dean hated how begging his voice sounded, how he wished that Cas would understand and just let him be.

“That is not true Dean. You have every right to feel good. To be happy.” Castiel stated as if things could just be put that simply.

“I am good, thank you.” Dean told his friend, trying to end the discussion. Or so Dean hoped, anyway. He knew that Castiel could be one stubborn motherfucker if he set his mind on things.

 

Cas managed to distract him from the creeping thoughts by staying another night. He held Dean close while they watched a movie. While they slept. Like he hoped that the he could keep everything at bay just by being there. And Dean let him. He allowed himself the gentle touches and the comfort of being near another human.

...

“It has been like this for a while.” Dean slowly admitted over breakfast the next day. He was not sure that Cas would even get what ´it` was, but the alpha just nodded, encouraging the omega to keep talking.

“I have no idea how I really feel, you know? There a good days. But they are getting rarer. And harder to enjoy, because I know that it won’t last. Most of the time I suppose I just exist. Following the flow or whatever. I manage to do what I have to do, but it is like there is no energy for what I want to. I do not look forward to things like I used to.” Dean was aware that he just had started rambling out everything he had refused to talk about the day before. But when the first words had left his lips, the others just followed.

“What am I saying? I don’t even know what I want to do anymore Cas.” There was plea in his eyes as he looked up at the alpha, begging him to understand. More than anything, Dean feared that the alpha would think it was his fault. That he was unwell because Cas hadn’t been good enough.

“It is like things have lost appeal. It is like someone has taken my energy. What I used to feel happy about. It is like someone has filled me with a weird padding. Like what I experience is happening for someone else and not really me. Your touches…..I can feel them, but in a weird distinct sort of way, you know? Like you are really touching someone else and the endings of my nerves are just somehow connected to that person. Everything feels like that. Like they belong to someone else. Like there is a protective layer between me and the world, numbing me.” Even to him his voice sounded weird. Empty. Scared.

For what felt like hours, Castiel said nothing.

“With fear of repeating myself, I believe you need help Dean. I would love to heal you. Make you happy with a flick of my fingers. But I can’t. No matter how much I wish to take your pain away from you, I am not able to do so.” Words were chosen carefully, Dean could tell from the way Cas slowly pronounced each word, making sure that nothing were lost on him.

“I will be here every step on the way. Back you up. Make sure that you are fed and have someone to come home to, if that is what you wish of me.” Cas sighed, trying to catch Deans gaze.

“There is no shame in needing help Dean. Especially not with all you have been put through. The world has been cruel towards you… and I am sorry, but drinking and ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. You can only push them away so far before you have to deal with them one way or another. Your night-time problem is a serious stress reaction, Dean. Your body is trying to warn you that you can't go much further without serious consequences.”

It was not like Dean was stupid. He knew that Castiel was right, at least partially. That did not change the fact that therapy was out of question. When he escaped from Alistair, the doctors had suggested he join a support group for rape victims. And while Dean had been unsure about it, his Dad had simply stated that his son was a man and was able to take care of the matter himself.

Castiel's voice broke his thoughts again.

“I want nothing more than to see you happy Dean.”


	14. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel sleeps over again and surprices Dean with a lovely cup of hot cocoa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, another chapter with more angst than fluff. Hope you will still stick around, the guys will get their happiness, but it is hard work to get there. 
> 
> Warnings for graphic nightmares I suppose? I have no idea if nightmares should be something I warn about :)

Cas’ words were painful to Dean. If he hadn’t already drunk the too hot coffee he would have spilled on himself. For the grounding pain? For the opportunity to run away for a moment? He was not sure. Possibly both.

How could the alpha sit there in all his blue-eyed seriousness and say such a thing to Dean? Like the omega didn’t know exactly what his unhappiness did to his friend.

How Cas forced himself to step back, ignoring his own feelings towards Dean to just give him fucking space. Sometimes Dean found himself wishing that his friend was not such a good person and alpha. That Cas would just get it over with. Get mad at Dean. Yell at him. Tell him that he was a hopeless omega whore, only good as a hole to use.

But Castiel wouldn’t say or do such things, and Dean knew that. It was one of the reasons why he found his friend frustrating at times.

“I know Cas.” He answered. He had been quiet for too long and he knew it. The changes had not been as subtle in Cas’ posture, which looked like the weight of the entire world was on his shoulders.

“But you cannot make me see a shrink. I won’t. I don’t need it.” He added.

“What is it that you fear about it Dean?” Asked Cas with his stupid, sexy, deep voice that Dean at the moment found himself very angry at.

Because he was right. Dean was afraid. It partly boiled down to him being afraid of having someone messing with his head. He also feared that people would judge him for seeking help. See him as weak. Wasn’t therapy only for people with real problems? Like soldiers suffering from PTSD?

When Dean didn’t answer, Cas took it as a cue to continue.

“I have this friend from work, Charlie.” He started, startling the omega who could not follow the sudden change of topic.

“She is a really great girl, and I think you would like her. She runs this online-support group for rape victims. She told me about it once, asking if it was alright if she sometimes took a call or took time off to answer some messages, if one of the members needed emergency help or whatever. I told her yes, and she explained everything to me.” Cas stopped for a moment, breathing as if he had forgotten his original point with his entire speech.

“Anyway. Maybe she could recommend a therapist? Or you could check out her online support-group, see if is something you may be comfortable with? Charlie told me it’s sometimes easier to talk to someone who can understand because they’ve been there. Charlie said sometimes the group meets up to do stuff together like seeing a movie or playing games. And something I believe called LARPing.” He shrugged, clearly not knowing what that was or particularly caring anything about it.

Part of Dean wanted to say yes, just to be rewarded with the smile he knew Cas would send him. He wanted to make the alpha happy so badly.

“I will think about it. Okay?”

“Okay.” Cas smiled. Not as bright as Dean could have wished for, but he would take whatever he could get.

Dean slowly rose, getting them another cup of coffee each. His green eyes were zoned out, mind caught up in thoughts. He had never thought about talking with others about what had happened to him. It seemed overwhelming.

The coffee had been kept hot by the heating element, and Dean was grateful. He hated cold coffee.

…

_Dean starred at the ceiling. The even breathing of the alpha was the only other sound in the room._

Real sound _, he corrected his mind._

_He could see his dad as clear as if he were somehow hanging over him. His living Dad. Not the terrible dead version he usually saw in his dreams._

_But John was not happy that Dean slept well when not alone._

_J_ o _hn was not happy at all. “_

_You are a pathetic, weak faggot Dean. A sissy. You are a disgrace to this family. Do you actually think he likes you? That he is so different from the other alphas? He just wants your hole. Wake up idiot. He wants to use you. Breed you up like the good little omega you are. Use you like a birthing machine for his babies.”_

_Johns voice wasn’t even angry. He just sounded so disappointed._

_Dean swallowed, unable to defend himself. He wanted to tell John that Castiel was different. That he cared about Dean and wanted him happy. But every time he tried to open his mouth to speak against John, to defend his friend, his father kept insulting him. Using the words Alastair had used._

_“Dean. Wake up Dean.” Castiel’s voice interrupted his thoughts, but Dean did not understand. He was already awake, and the alpha was the one sleeping._

_Whimpering he turned his head, just to see that Cas was no longer asleep._

_Cas’ head turned towards Dean. He was pale. Eyes dead like Alastair’s had been instead of the bright blue. But beside from the eyes, nothing about Castiel’s face looked alive._

_“Wake up Dean.” Cas’ voice interrupted again, but the Cas in front of him did not move his lips._

_Fearing what he would see, Dean slowly teared his eyes away from the pale face and looked down over his friend’s body. Warm, red, sticky blood pooled around them. Dean could feel it seeping into his clothes and bedding. “_

_See Dean? You bring misery and death wherever you go. Your mom died. I died. I even took people with me into my death.” John’s voice was a low growl._

_“You bring death.”_

 

Dean woke up, gasping for air in large gulps. Adrenalin made his heart pump like it was trying to carve a way out of his chest.

Cas had turned on the light. For a moment Dean did not dare look at him, fearing that his blue eyes had changed colour and his skin dead and pale.

But Cas was alive, he remembered when a soft hand touched his face and began drying the tears he hadn’t been aware of before.

For now. Cas was alive for now.

“You were dead.” Dean found himself crying out, as Cas embraced him. The skin to skin contact could have been too much, but at that moment it was mostly grounding. Dean could feel the heat of living skin, and pressing his ear and a wet chin against Cas’ chest, he could hear the grounding sound of his heartbeat.

“You were dead and you had his eyes. Oh god. There was so much blood everywhere. And you were dead.” Dean repeated, unable to make any coherent thought process out of what he had just dreamt.

Cas just kept him close, kept stroking his hair and mumbling soothing words of comfort. Slowly Dean found himself go lax in the arms of the alpha.

Cas loosened his grip. Dean withdrew enough to see his friend clearly.

“You were dead Cas. Please don’t die on me. I won’t lose you too. I can’t.”

“I will do everything in my power not to die Dean.” Cas promised with a gentle and worried look. He then looked considering before slowly leaning forward and kissing Dean on the forehead like a child or a cherished lover.

“Can you go back to sleep?” Cas asked. Dean shook his head, which the alpha seemed to have predicted already. For one thing he was wet. Fucking again. Nightmares tended to make it happen he had noted, but they did not seem to be the cause always. He had no idea to be honest.

“I will make us some hot cocoa. Gabriel taught me how, so you do not need to worry about your safety while drinking it.” That made Dean crack a small smile. “And I find it calming. We can talk about your nightmare if you would like too, watch a weird program or whatever you need really.”

 

And that was how they ended up on the sofa at 3am with hot cocoa Dean could have sworn Cas hadn’t made. It was too good, the chocolate flavor too rich and deep. He had changed while Cas made the cocoa, not wanting to walk around soaked for longer than necessary.

“What have you added to this Cas? Drugs? I swear I could get addicted.” Dean felt better after the first few sips. Maybe professor Lupin in the Harry Potter books had been right about chocolate fighting off the bad, like dementors. It felt that way just a little bit.

“Cinnamon. Just a pinch. And an even smaller bit of salt. I know it sounds weird, but apparently it brings out the flavours really well.” He sighed after taking a long sip. “Gabe used to make this for me when I had nightmares.”

“I didn’t know.” Dean admitted.

“Nah. It was long ago at this point.” Cas shrugged before sipping again. He looked like he enjoyed it and needed it as much as Dean.

“What did you dream about?” He asked before thinking. “Sorry. None of my business.”

“You remember that I told you that I lived with Gabe most of my teenage years, right?” Cas replied.

“Yeah?”

“Well. My mom died when I was young. My dad decided to run away with some model or whatever when I was about 12. I was a late comer baby, so Gabe was old enough to take me in and become my legal guardian. So a lot of my nightmares were about being abandoned in every way possible. Sometimes people I loved would die. Sometimes they would mock me, tell me that I was just was not worth it and leave. I feared it so much that I woke up screaming from the really bad ones.”

Castiel shrugged. “I got help. I got better. I still have nightmares sometimes though, but I learned to deal with it. It seems that I still dream about what I fear or refuse to think about when I’m awake.” Dean put down his cup on the small table beside the sofa and placed Castiel’s mug aside before hugging him closely. Both of them needed the contact. Neither moved for a long time. When they finally did their hot cocoa had turned cold, so they decided to head to bed.

 

No nightmares disturbed either man’s sleep.


	15. Sundays don’t have to suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ants are playing tricks and Sam gets traumatized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little fluff for you guys. Hope you enjoy it!

For some reason Cas seemed nervous over breakfast, like he could not find peace with just eating in silence like they usually did. It was like something had possessed him (hot cocoa maybe?), and he had been up before Dean again, somehow managing to get the coffee machine to work for him.

So when Dean got out of his usual morning shower Cas was sipping his second cup of coffee, and a simple breakfast was waiting for the omega. Dean was hungry and did not bother to put on more than a pair of sweats after his shower.

_What the actual heck?_ Dean thought to himself as he saw Cas move around for the 115th time in a just few minutes.

“Does it bother you that I am partly undressed?” Dean asked, forehead slightly crinkled in a frown. It would be weird if that was the case. He usually just slept in his boxers over the absorbent underwear when Castiel slept in his bed. Cas had told him over and over again that he did not need the boxers for his sake, but Dean was stubborn on that one.

“No.” The alpha answered, moving around again.

“Do you have ants in your pants? What is going on with you?”

Cas looked puzzled. “No, that would be weird Dean.” He deadpanned. “Why would I have ants in my pants?”

“It is just a saying Cas.” Dean explained. “I meant to ask why you keep moving around like something is bothering you.”

“Oh.” Was all Dean got out of the alpha, who apparently had decided on not telling him why he was acting so weird.

Dean finished his breakfast and tried not to be bothered by Castiel’s constant movement. It was kind of annoying, especially when he had no idea why. Sometimes he could have sworn that the alpha was trying to man up and tell him something.

 

“Dean?”

“Mhmm..?”

“I know that Sunday is usually the day where you eat lunch with Sam. But I kinda wondered if you would possibly maybe like to go out with me and get a cup of coffee?”

Dean looked up from his coffee when the alpha started talking. Cas had a nervous look to him, his cheeks all red with embarrassment. And was there a hint of fear?

“Go out as go out or go out as on a date?” He asked. Why would Cas be so nervous for asking him to get a cup of coffee?

“If you do not mind, I would like it to be a date Dean.” Castiel answered, blue eyes begging the omega not to reject him.

The alpha quickly added: “If you don’t want to that is alright too. I am not going to push you into something you don’t want. It won’t change a thing between us. I am not going to blame you. I know it is a lot to put on you, but I just… I am in love with you Dean, and I would love to show you what you mean to me. Because no matter how many times you say that you are into females only, I cannot help but feel that there is something between us. But I may just be imagining things.”

Cas took a deep breath. “I am rambling again. Sorry about that.”

Dean awaited the end of the outburst with a raised brow. “If you had stopped talking for a second or two, you wouldn’t need to be so nervous. The answer is yes Cas. I would love to go out on a coffee-date with you.”

The smile he was rewarded with pushed aside any doubt Dean had. Castiel was not the only one in love he realized in that moment. And it felt like everything would be alright after all.

…

Cas seemed very unsure about everything as they walked to the park and Dean found it highly amusing. His friend was usually not one to be nervous. It really told the omega a lot about how much he cared about getting their first date right. So Dean just shut up, kept his eyes on the alpha and let him ramble about the coffee place he had encountered on his way to the hospital when Dean had been a patient there.

And Dean had to agree that it was the best damned coffee he had ever had when he tasted it. It was a chilly morning, so they sat close together on a bench, drinking their coffee in the comfortable silence characteristic of a good relationship.

“Does this dating thing give me the right to kiss you?” Dean asked, grinning widely when the alpha starred at him with wide eyes. Then the shocked look changed into a soft smile.

“I sure hope so. I have wanted to kiss you and court you for years, Dean Winchester. If you allow me to I would love to do both.”

“Mhmm. You have to wait until I am finished with my coffee. This is too good to be wasted.”

Castiel just grinned while shaking his head, blue eyes shining with happiness. It seemed so easy to be like this. Together. Dean could not remember why they had not done so before.

_Because you are a chicken. You did not deserve him, you still don’t_ , the small voice in his head reminded him. He chose to ignore it for once, the warmth from Cas so much more real.

 

As it turned out they did not kiss in the park. But they held hands on the way home, which Dean counted as a win. Smiling like a fool he swung their arms, sending smiles and loving looks to Castiel.

They got home with a bag of premade sandwiches from the bakery, enough for three. Dean had decided that Sam wouldn’t mind Castiel joining their Sunday lunch so he had taken the liberty of inviting his friend. And honestly, he did not feel like wasting time on cooking when he could be near Cas.

“Am I allowed to kiss you now?” The gravel voice asked, sending shivers down Dean’s spine. They were standing close enough for Dean to feel the soft puffs of air when Cas exhaled.

Dean did not bother answering, instead he closed the distance between them and softly pushed his lips against Castiel’s. The other man responded immediately by tugging him in closer, pressing their bodies tightly together while he returned the kiss with a gentle passion.

Dean could feel the effects of kissing Cas pretty damned fast. Even the soft and gentle kisses they shared in the kitchen made him hard, his body aching for more.

When Cas withdrew Dean found himself liking his lips in anticipation for more, green eyes flickering between blue eyes and the soft, pink lips he had just gotten a taste of. He leaned forward to kiss Cas again, this time more sure of himself. He gently nipped against Cas’ lower lip, tongue asking for access to the alpha’s mouth. Cas was panting against Dean's lips as he opened his mouth ever so slightly, allowing the omega access. Pressing his lower body against Cas told him what he had already figured out. The alpha was hard and ready. Slowly Dean moved, causing just the lightest friction between them. He was rewarded with a soft moan.

 

“Gross guys. Get a room!” Sam’s voice interrupted them. Flustered Dean turned his head to see his younger brother looking at them, arms crossed and a smile on his lips. The beta looked weirdly satisfied.

“How did you get in?” Dean frowned, not entirely satisfied with having his make-out session disturbed by his stupid little brother.

“Through the door. You guys had left it ajar, so I feared something was wrong.” He grinned towards them. “I believe you have traumatized me deeply with this.”

Dean sighed and withdrew from Cas after a pretty platonic kiss just to annoy Sam who made gagging sounds in the background.

 

Their lunch turned out to be a pretty damned enjoyable affair. It was not without reason that Cas and Sam were friends, both were clever and had a dry sort of humor. Dean laughed more than he had in a long time. “Just so we are clear, though I wished that I had never seen the two of you doing dirty things in the kitchen, I am really happy for you. You guys deserve to be happy.” Sam said, leaning back into his chair after he had eaten his second sandwich. “And it was about fucking time too. I was almost getting tired of the two of you walking around the fact that you are in love.”

Dean blushed. He had not been aware, not for sure until that morning, but apparently his brother had been.

They retreated to the sofa after lunch, Cas making another batch of the hot cocoa he had made them during the night. Dean told Sam about it, stating that he could definitely get addicted to it, making the beta look forward to trying it out.

“I could gather from Cas that he has tried to convince you to seek some help Dean…” Sam started, knowingly that Dean would not like the new topic. “I think it is a great idea, really. I have been so worried about you. I know that you hate to talk about it, but you have been looking like a mess lately. I know that I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been put through, but you deserve to be happy, you know?”

Dean rolled his eyes before turning serious. “I thought we had a deal about no chick-flick moments Sammy.” He protested. But the hurt puppy-eyed look his brother sent him made him sigh and reconsider.   
“Yeah, Cas has talked to me about getting help. I just don’t know if it’s for me, you know? He has a friend who has like an online support group.” He shrugged. “But I just don’t want to end up sitting on the internet whining about my problems like some bitch. And therapy… I really cannot imagine myself spilling my guts to some sort of stranger. It just seems wrong to talk with them about stuff I cannot even talk to you about.”

“Have you considered that maybe having that gap between who you love and your problems may actually be a protective thing? That talking to us is difficult because you fear that we will see you differently? Treat you differently?” Sam suggested slowly, like he was fearing the omega to just walk out on him.

“Maybe.” Dean responded. “When did you become so clever?”

“I felt like that with Jessica. I couldn’t really get myself to tell her about dad because I feared seeing pity in her eyes.” The beta admitted as Cas appeared with three cups of hot cocoa on a tray. “She didn’t pity me though, and it was great being able to talk about those feelings finally. But I suppose that an online support group might work better for you. Its not exactly therapy, but you can talk to people who understand what you’ve been through and won’t judge you. You can be anonymous and chose what you want to share if anything. Worst case scenario is if you do not like it, you can just stop and delete your profile.”

“I had not thought about it like that.” Dean admitted as Cas sat down beside him, holding him close for a moment. He felt slightly cornered by the alpha and beta. They clearly agreed that he needed help, whereas he was pretty convinced that he wanted to deal with his problems himself.

“Anyway, think about it Dean.” Sam added as a last comment before sipping his hot cocoa. It seemed to be as big a revelation to him as it had been to Dean.   
“Are you really sure Cas made this?” Sam asked with a grin.

The alpha shot him an evil glare. “I should never have told you guys about the pasta.”

Dean threw his head back, laughing out loud. No, Cas giving them something to tease him about was a good thing. He felt happier than he had been in a long while, being with the two people he loved. No matter how annoying their insisting on him getting help was, he knew they did it because they loved him too.

Sipping his cocoa he was filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling that had nothing to do with what he was drinking. Being loved felt good.


	16. Baby steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Cas and Sam are right? Maybe Dean should get help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter as well. Things are going to be hard for Dean on his way to get better, but he will and he has all the support of his loved ones. 
> 
> Again, if you are worried about yourself or someone you care about, talk about it. The sooner one gets help, the better. It is hard, but it is worth it.

It took Dean weeks to reach the point where he actually asked Cas for the name of Charlie's online support group. He had met her face to face when picking up his boyfriend from work. Boyfriend. He felt like a fucking love struck teenager and well, truth to be told, they pretty much acted like it too. And while being in love was great in many ways, other problems arose pretty fast.

It turned out that being pinned down made him panic. No matter how much he wanted to he found himself unable to touch Castiel in a sexual way, so besides a lot of heated kisses and gentle grinding against each other like teens, it was pretty much a dry sex life.

Cas told him he did not care. That he wanted Dean happy, and that sex meant next to nothing to him. Dean was grateful for that, he really was, but no matter how little the alpha cared about their sexy times or lack thereof, Dean cared. He wanted to be whole for his alpha, wanted to be able to give himself fully without seeing Alastair or feeling his hands instead of Castiel’s.

Dean’s bedwetting problem seemed to lessen with Cas sleeping over almost every night. It was only when he woke up from a nightmare that he woke up soaked as well. Dean never stopped feeling embarrassed about it, but the alpha didn’t seem to care in the least. Rather he was helpful, taking care of the sheets if needed or helping Dean into the shower. They had yet to shower together (something Dean looked forward to happening one day), but Cas often sat on the toilet, talking with him until he was done.

But the continued bedwetting was humiliating for Dean and it seemed there were always new things to have nightmares about.

Blood work taken during Dean's recent hospitalization for heat sickness returned, causing Dean several days of panic and sleepless nights. Both men called into work sick again.

Dean in his state was incapable of work, whereas Cas simply did not dare to leave Dean alone.

After his hospitalization, his doctor had refused to write Dean a prescription for heat suppressants until his out of heat blood work came back. And the results meant there was no chance in hell that Dean could be able to take them again, his hormonal system apparently too screwed over from so many years of suppressant use without a single heat break. While being off suppressants would not really change how people would react to Dean, it changed the fact that he no longer had a choice in whether or not he preferred to live with or without his heats.

The bad news on the blood work was actually what pushed Dean into asking Cas for the support group name. No suppressants meant that Dean would have another heat, like it or not. And while he was realistic enough to know that he in no way would be ready for sex so soon, he wanted to be at some point.

Cas had been so proud when Dean signed up to join the page that he had almost strained his facial muscles from smiling. Dean had never enjoyed kissing so much as in that moment, Cas giving him everything he had. And while his hands stayed in place at the small of Dean's back, his lips did not behave. Dean was a moaning mess when Castiel deemed that he had been awarded properly for signing up. It was kind of unfair what the alpha could do to him with just those soft lips of his.

 

Dean was alone the first time he checked out the page for real. He had looked at the page a little after he had signed up, but had not really done more than that. Cas was out with some weird work-related shit, so the omega had a few hours alone.

The first thing Dean saw was a home page with greetings and links to different things. There was a forum for discussions of different sorts, divided into groups.

One group was for finding people in the area to talk to (apparently the site had quickly grown and now reached state-wide), another was for talking about random stuff, another again for talking about trauma and healthy coping mechanisms.

Unable to decide where he should start he wrote a short message in the introduction forum.

“ _Young male omega. Currently living with my new boyfriend / best friend. He is the one who got me into this. I suppose I should write something about what I have been through? I dunno. Anyway. I was abducted and sexually abused during my first heat. Didn’t make it out of the hospital until the second heat was long over. I have joined because I suppose I want to get better. I have no idea if I deserve it, but I have people to fight for. People I love and care about, and they thought this could be a great idea. I have reached a point where I cannot continue as I used too. My dad died around half a year ago, and things just spiraled down from there. I don’t know what to expect from this or why I even bothered writing._

_Hope you guys are well._

_Dean._ ”

Then he logged off without waiting for answers or reading any of the other introductions. Instead Dean turned off the computer and walked into the living room where he ended up staring at the television for an hour or so. Curiosity overtook him though and he retrieved his laptop again. Sitting comfortably in the living room Dean logged on the webpage again.

His heart was pounding and there was a weird tightness in his throat. A notification made him aware that someone had answered his message. He opened it to read two gentle replies welcoming him to the page with wishes for him to get better. The administrator of the page also wrote that he could write privately to her, if he felt like that would be safer. So he did.

When Cas arrived home Dean had been chatting back and forth with the page admin. When he wrote the first time he hadn’t thought about the fact that it was Charlie he was writing to, but when she answered telling him a little about herself, he realized it.

“You are right Cas. Charlie really seems great.” He said, closing the laptop again.

“So you decided on messaging the page. I am so proud of you Dean. You cannot begin to imagine how much it means to me that you are willing to do this.” Cas told him, smiling before he hugged Dean tightly. He gently kissed the omega on the lips.

“Did you have a good day?” Dean asked, running a hand through the wild mess off dark hair.

“Yeah, but you just made it even better.” Cas answered, letting Dean push him down onto the sofa. Having control seemed to make things easier for Dean, and the alpha was more than willing to let Dean manhandle him for filthy kisses whenever he felt like it.

Gentle fingers caressed his face, and he opened his eyes to see Cas smiling gently towards him.

“Have I ever told you how proud I am of you? How much I love you? You are amazing Dean.”

“Only about every other day.” Dean answered, blushing to the roots of his hair. While the alpha made sure that he knew exactly how cherished he was with words, gentle touches and sweet gestures, it still made Dean uncomfortable. Dean still couldn’t figure out why the hell he deserved it. He still feared that it was only a matter of time before his little bubble of happiness would be punctured and reality would hit.

 

Gabe had informed them that they could not be in a real relationship if it wasn’t posted on Facebook, so both had updated their statuses, laughing. Dean had even dared putting a picture of them together as his cover photo. It made him smile every time he saw it.

 

Dean chatted with Charlie almost daily, asking for her experiences and advice on different situations. He actually managed to meet Cas at a bar for a beer, which for him was pretty huge. He had avoided public places like bars for a long time because he was an omega.

And while things in the big picture were getting better it did not stop Dean from still feeling hollow a lot of the time. Cas looking at him with love in his eyes made him want to hide himself away, because he still believed he was unworthy of that sort of affection.

Some days he was happy, others days he was not. Some days he felt nothing at all. It was confusing and frustrating, and after two weeks of talking with Charlie, trying to explain how he felt, she suggested he see a therapist.

“ _I do not mind being there when you need me Dean, but I can only do so much. I wish for you to get better, but you need more than my help alone. I cannot force you to see a therapist, but I strongly advise that you do so. The faster you get help, the faster you can feel better and the less damage you will do to yourself in the long run. I know how difficult it is for you. But remember that you are not alone. There are a lot of people cheering for you._ ”

At first Dean had been mad at Charlie. Then upset that he had been angry, worried that she would hate him for it. It took him days and a few beers to reply to her message, asking for the name of the therapist she said helped her.

The reply landed in his inbox in under a minute, Charlie stating how proud she was that he was taking this step in his recovery and offering a name. Benny Lafitte.

Dean googled the name. The therapist had a webpage, which he looked through. Others people had left reviews about their experiences with Benny as their therapist. Not one review was bad. It seemed that Benny combined several treatment methods, some which Dean had never heard of before. Benny had posted a picture of himself. He didn’t seem scary. Or judgemental.

Shaking Dean clicked on Benny's contact information. Along with an address and phone number, there was a contact referral form. Dean took a big swig from his beer before filling out his information. He shortly wrote in the comment section that he was male omega, seeking help for problems related to his rape as a teenager and his parent's deaths.

Then Dean shut down the computer and hurried into the kitchen to cook dinner before he could change his mind and send Benny an apologetic email about him regretting it.


	17. Starting therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets Benny and learns how exhausting getting better can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God. I am SO impatient. Honestly I want to post all the time and do nothing but writing. And I am only a little obsessed with checking you comments. Each one make me so, so happy.  
> This started out as a weak idea in my head, and just that someone actually likes what I am doing is so overwhelming. 
> 
> I am working on a drawing of Dean and Cas too. Hopefully it will fit in perfectly as a start-thingy (cannot remember the name of those). 
> 
> Anyhow, warnings for feelings, and (hopefully not to bad) attempts off smut in the end.

It did not take long before Dean had an appointment with Benny Lafitte. The therapist had quickly replied to Dean's message and asked to see Dean in person to figure out if the two of them would be a reasonable match. He wrote that if they weren’t the therapy would not be as beneficial to Dean. Benny assured him that he knew plenty of competent therapists he could refer Dean to if he was unable to help the omega himself.

Dean googled, finding a lot of people stating that the chemistry between them and their therapist had been very important for their process, so he figured that it was not without reason that Benny wanted them to meet. Cas also agreed when he asked, telling Dean that his first therapist had been annoying as hell. Not incompetent as such, but Cas had used more time annoyed than healing and talking so he had changed therapists pretty fast.

Dean had his possible worst nightmare the night before his first appointment with Benny. He refused to get back into bed, even though it was 4 in the morning.

Cas was supportive as ever and went with Dean to meet Benny, holding his hand the entire time. He waited in the waiting room while Dean talked with his (hopefully) new therapist.

 

Benny sat in an armchair and Dean sat on a sofa across from him, unable to get comfortable. He wanted to pace the room. Instead he fiddled with his necklace, waiting for the therapist to start the session or whatever.

“Alright Dean, I want to start out with you telling me about yourself.” Benny's voice was calming. Dean looked up, noting that he too had blue eyes. Not the same deep blue as Castiel's, but the similarity made him exhale slowly.

“My name is Dean. I am 23 years old. Omega. Born in Lawrence, Kansas.” He started, unsure what he should tell the therapist. It seemed so weird to sit there and give Benny a basic introduction of himself like that. “I am a mechanic. I have a boyfriend and a younger brother.” He frowned. “Eh… I like classic rock. Drive a Chevy impala…?” He cocked his head, trying to figure out what the therapist wanted to know, but Benny just smiled at him, encouraging him to go on.

When Dean didn’t, he asked: “Why are you here?”

“I have problems, I suppose.” Dean answered.

“You suppose?”

“Well. Yeah. Lost my mom when I was a kid. My dad never really got over that. He kept dragging me and my brother Sammy all over the country like he couldn't find peace anywhere. I had to fight for Sammy to go to school. For us to stay more than a few weeks in one place so he could actually learn something. God, I practically raised the kid because dad was so gone so much. Dad died in a car accident not so long ago."

Dean hesitated before stating firmly, "I was abducted and raped as a teenager.” He surprised himself with the anger in his voice as he said it.

"And that sort of gives me problems. I sleep like shit. I have weird thoughts, and sometimes my body feels like it does not belong to me. I have nightmares where people I love are getting handed over to me, cut up in pieces in plastic-bags for god’s sake. I can’t have sex with my boyfriend because I keep seeing my rapist every time things start to get hot. I like sex. I want to be able to have all the sex in the world with Cas without reliving that shit. Part of me is convinced that he is going to leave me or die. Same goes for my brother.”

Benny just let him talk, listening attentively with his eyes on Dean, who tended to avoid the gaze.

“So yeah, I suppose I have problems. And I am fucking tired of things being like that. I am tired of little voices in my head telling me that I don’t deserve love or being happy. It is like I cannot stop listening to them. And I want to. Because they are not right?” The last statement was a broken plea instead of the powerful statement that Dean had hoped it would be.

“The voices in your head are not right Dean, but they are hard not to listen to.” Benny started. “I am going to be honest with you. I believe I can help you. But treatment is not going to be fun. You may feel like giving up and not showing up to our appointments. Like running away or hiding. That is normal. Often your problems seem to get worse when you start talking about them. Imagine your emotions and problems like water behind a dam, yes? It is difficult to control the water-flow at first; meaning that you most likely will experience feeling overwhelmed - that all your emotions and problems seem to burst through the dam and go in the wrong direction for a period of time. It will get better though.

You are not broken or damaged to a degree where you can’t or don’t deserve to be fixed Dean, but getting there is hard work and it requires you to want to get better.”

Dean nodded. He wouldn’t have written Benny in the first place if he didn’t want help.

 

By the end of the session, Benny told him that he felt pretty sure that Dean was suffering from major depression combined with anxiety attacks. That he could prescribe medication to correct the chemical imbalance in his brain. Dean refused medication, which just caused the therapist to smirk, like he had anticipated exactly that response.

“I would like to see you weekly. You may need to see me twice a week for a period of time, but that depends on you. It is different from person to person. Some people need time to ´digest` what has been discussed during therapy, whereas others work better with not having that time.” Benny found his calendar, looking at Dean.

“Is there any days that work better for you than others?” He asked. Dean shook his head and asked for late afternoon times instead. He was sure that Bobby would let him leave work earlier a day or two a week if he could make himself ask. Hopefully it wouldn’t be necessary. Benny handed him a card with a time and date written down, smiling gently.

“I think you did really well this time Dean. I know it is difficult. You should be really proud of yourself.” Was the last comment of the therapist before he escorted the omega back to the waiting room.

Cas rose fast and ran over to Dean to hug him close, making sure that he really was okay. Dean was aware that he had to smell different. He allowed himself a few seconds of peace in the alpha's arms before saying goodbye to Benny.

 

Dean was utterly drained during their walk home. Out of the many things he had expected after seeing a therapist he had not thought he would feel exhausted bone deep.

“Am I supposed to feel this exhausted? It feels like I just ran a marathon rather than sitting on a sofa talking.” Dean sighed.

“I was always drained afterwards." Cas replied. "I really learned to love napping. And Gabe always made hot cocoa for me when I got up again. In December he would even add peppermint sticks to make it more Christmas-y.” Cas gently squeezed Dean's hand.

“You have to make that for me one day.” Dean returned the squeeze.

“I am so proud of you Dean. It is not easy to ask for help. You know it does not make you weak, right? It is pretty much the opposite.” Cas told him swinging their hands. “It takes courage and strength to do what you have done.”

They ended up taking a little detour to the park to get another cup of coffee, enjoying that the weather was mild enough to be outside without freezing their balls off.

 

Dean felt asleep on the couch when they got back home. For a few hours he slept without nightmares, exhausted from talking with Benny. He felt well rested when he woke up to Cas cooking in the kitchen. The omega had used their time together to teach his alpha how to cook basic things. It seemed that Cas liked cooking, though not all of his experiments in the kitchen were edible. They just laughed when that happened and ordered a pizza.

They ate in silence, only disturbed by Dean complimenting the food, causing the alpha to blush.

Afterwards they curled together on the sofa, watching some mindless television. Cas caressed Dean's hair as he laid curled up against his thigh, protectiveness so strong that the omega could smell the change in his scent.

“Are you alright Cas?” He asked, turning his head around so he could see his lover.

“I am fine. I just want to curl up with you and never leave.” Cas admitted. “You seem content. I want to keep you that way.”

Dean lifted himself up off the alpha's lap, gently kissing him.

“You are a hopeless romantic.” Dean mumbled against the alpha's lips, realizing quickly that he wanted more than just a quick kiss. Gently he nipped against Castiel’s bottom lip, who responded with a low moan.

Pushing the alpha down the omega straddled him, kissing and licking his way into his alpha's mouth. Cas was more than willing to be manhandled that way. He had even admitted that it was a huge turn on for him that Dean was able to do it. The musky smell of aroused alpha filled the living-room.

Slowly, Dean let his lips and teeth follow the line of Castiel’s jaw, enjoying the sounds the alpha made, completely blissed out by Dean's teasing kisses and nips. The alpha shivered as Dean let his tongue trail along the side of his neck where a mating bite would go. They were slowly grinding against each other. Dean could feel that he had soaked through his pants, body ready and willing for his alpha. Instead of taking off his pants, he nipped along Castiel’s neck before sucking a mark on him. It was not a mating bite, but no one would doubt that Cas was a taken alpha.

Only hesitating for a moment Dean bared his own neck, allowing Cas to mark him up. He almost came in his pants right there just by feeling the pleasurable combination of them rutting against each other and the slightly stinging pain from Castiel's mark. His whimpers seemed to encourage the alpha even further, he pressed up against Dean, seeking friction as their lips crashed into another heated kiss.

It did not take long before Dean could feel the heat coiling up in his stomach, his movements more frantic and desperate. He wanted Cas so bad that it almost hurt, his entire body aching to have the alpha buried inside of him.

“I’m close Cas.” He admitted, moaning as the alpha sucked on his bottom lip.

“Come for me. I want to see you come.” It was an order, growled out and possessive and Dean found himself unable to tell the alpha no or control his body's response. Burying his nails in Castiel’s skin his neck arched back as he came, panting and moaning unashamedly. The alpha quickly followed, put over the edge by the sounds his omega made.

Dean rested his head at Castiel’s shoulder, enjoying the smell of his happy and satisfied alpha. Suddenly he found himself giggling like a teenage girl.

“Dean?” Cas asked, giving him a confused look when he lifted his upper body enough to see the omega.

“Oh god Cas, we just christened the sofa!” Dean's giggles turned into a deep laugh as his boyfriend continued to look absolutely confused.

After Dean's laughter subsided, the alpha and omega shared a few gentle kisses before Dean got up for a shower and a change, boxers and jeans soaked with slick and come. Cas just fell back into the sofa, apparently too blissed out to do anything at the moment. Dean smiled to himself as he showered.

 

Maybe things would really be alright.


	18. In the mind of Dean Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is fighting to get better while making a pretty big decision in his private life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter as well!
> 
> It is widely based on my personal experiense with therapi, and while I have yet to run out and hide in the bathroom, I have really, really wanted to at times. 
> 
> Your comments really mean the world to me. I cannot stop smiling while reading them, and when I have a bad day it helps to know that someone out their likes what I do. 
> 
> Again, if you are suspecting anything in reagard to yourself or a loved one, it is never too early to react. It takes a lot of time and effort to aknownledge that help is needed, and most people struggling with mental health issues will feel that getting help is shameful. It really is not. In my opinion it shows strength and bravery. 
> 
> So to everyone out their, struggeling or who have been, I wish you all the best. <3

Bobby had agreed to let Dean go early on Mondays so that he could make it to his weekly appointment with Benny.  Which gave a whole new perspective on shitty Mondays.  While the omega felt pretty damned sure that he would have liked to spend time with Benny if the man had not been his therapist, he always dreaded going to his appointments.  It was painful, ripping open wounds he had learned to live with or ignore.  Dean now agreed with what the therapist said at their first meeting.  Dean's emotions were overwhelming at times and his nightmares did pick up.  Simple things seemed to suddenly be a problem for him because his mind was exhausted from dealing with his past traumas.  Dean wanted to stop going to his appointments, to give up.  But he didn't.  

At his third session with Benny, Dean had confessed about the bedwetting.  He had been so embarrassed that he ran out and hid in the bathroom after confessing.  It took most of the usual appointment hour for Benny to coax him out of the bathroom, the embarrassment pushing forward a shit storm of other emotions that Dean had not been ready to deal with. He had not cried in the bathroom, but it had been a close call.  

 

At his fourth session, Dean told Benny about Alastair.  Not so much the detail about what had happened, but more about his guilt for not giving the police his statement.  While the police had physical evidence like DNA from semen and documentation of Dean's physical injuries, they still had no clue who the man was other than his name was Alistair. Not that Dean knew if this was his real name but he had seen Alistair. He could have provided the police with a detailed description, the face of the man edged into his eyelids, causing Dean to see him almost every time he closed his eyes.  

“There is nothing fucking reasonable about not wanting to tell the police possible vital information!” Dean growled, getting up from the sofa. He started pacing the room his movements stiff and angry. 

“You cannot sit there and tell me that it makes sense that I did not want to. There have been other victims after me. Other omegas have been hurt because I DID NOT TALK TO THE POLICE! So how can you say that what I did was alright? It was the move of a fucking coward. I don’t deserve to get help or get better for fucks sake! I am responsible for other omegas getting raped.  I deserve to feel like shit for that.”  

But the fucking therapist just kept sitting there, looking at Dean with his calm blue eyes. How could he look so calm? How could he not be disgusted by Dean? But Benny did not get angry at him, yell at him or call him a coward.  Benny didn't say or do anything.  

The anger left Dean's body like a balloon popped with a needle. One second he was so mad that he could have thrown things around, the next he just felt empty. Shoulders hunched he sat back on the sofa, awaiting what Benny had to say. The other man just continued to look at him for a moment.  

“Are you ready to listen Dean?”  

The omega nodded, shifting uncomfortably. He had no idea what Benny would say, but he doubted it would be anything good.  

“You are NOT to blame. Not then, not now.   There are so many valid reasons why you didn’t want to talk to the police.  You had just been through a major trauma and the police could not help you. The police would have asked for a full statement.  You were a traumatized 16 year old boy who would have been asked to describe in detail what Alistair did to you during your capture.  It was perfectly reasonable that you weren't ready to talk about it.   

Dean, you told me earlier that you feel like it was your fault because you went out close to your heat?” Dean nodded and Benny continued: 

“So on top of not being anywhere near ready to deal with what had happened to you, you most likely also feared that the police would dismiss your case because of that. Am I right?” Again the omega nodded. He wouldn’t have been the first victim where the rapist walked free because of heat.  

“In other words you had more than enough to deal with on your plate. It is not your fault that the police with so much evidence have not caught Alistair.  It is not your fault that the society puts the blame on victims so often that it makes them scared to speak up. Hell, there are more cases where the rapist is walking free than the other way around.” Benny looked upset by that thought. “I honestly think that you are the only one blaming you for what happened.” 

Dean wanted to believe him. He was just not sure that he could. Benny seemed to understand that, and gently changed the topic into family. Instead of asking Dean all the difficult stuff about how his mom and dad he asked how Sam was doing.  

“Sam is good, I think. He is really happy that I got my ass into this. Says he is proud of me and stuff.” Dean shrugged. “I dunno. I am not the one to be proud of. He passed his last semester with A’s and he got himself a sweet girl too. I met her once and invited them over for lunch on Sunday with Cas and me.” He could feel himself slowly relaxing, even smiling.  

“Cas has just been really great through all of this. For some reason he just sticks with me. He lets me yell and cry and act out without complaining. I have no idea why I deserve him, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything in this world. He is also kinda the reason that I showed up for this in the first place. He was really worried about me, and with both him and Sammy teaming against me… well, what could I do?”  

“It sounds like you care very much about both of them. Do you have anyone besides them?” Benny’s smile was gentle, making Dean feel more at ease.  

“Yeah. Bobby, my boss. He is a grumpy old bear sometimes, but he is supportive too. Not that he knows everything, but he is really protective and cares, though he tries not to show it. And I have Charlie who recommended you. She has this online support-group where I write her and some others. It sounds so selfish, but I am really glad that I am not the only one. That there are other people who understand what I am going through, you know? And Gabe, Castiel’s brother. He can really be an asshole, but he is a good man. And he makes mean pies.”  

They continued to talk about lighter topics. Dean was exhausted from his outburst and conflicting emotions. Rationally he could agree with Benny. Back then there had been no good reason for him to trust the police, trust that they would take his case seriously, but he could not help but feel responsible for the other omegas who got hurt because of him.   Not surprisingly Cas agreed with Benny when Dean told him about his feelings on their way back home.  

  

At his sixth session, Dean told Benny that he knew his heat would be due soon, and that it scared the living shit out of him. He had no idea how to deal with it. He was nauseous just by the thought of going through that again.  

“So what part of having your heat is most frightening for you?”  

“The entire shit Benny. It sucks so fucking much. I have a body dragging me in one direction and a brain screaming for it to stop. Having Cas there last time helped, sorta, but it was still embarrassing and uncomfortable. We didn’t even touch for god’s sake. And I wanted to, really bad, but he refused to. I am really glad that he did, I am, but I just know that it is going to suck.” 

“Why are you glad that he didn’t touch you?” Benny asked. 

“Because outside of heat the thought of having sex with him freaks me out. Or the thought of sex with a man generally. I love Cas. I want him. But if he is topping, even if it is just gentle kissing I flip. It is like my body cannot feel the difference between Cas and Alastair. I get scared, feel sick.” Dean admitted.  

Benny kept quiet for a while, looking thoughtful.  

“I would like you to try out some things, see if they help?” He suggested, a friendly smile on his lips. “First, make a list of 10 things you fear most about sex with Cas, listed in order from most feared down to the one you fear least.  Second, practice these different relaxation techniques, I have a folder with those here somewhere...here it is." Benny stated, handing the folder to Dean.  "So, you start out with the thing you fear the least about sex and work your way up when you are feeling safe to the next fear.  The relaxation techniques are meant to be used to help when things feel overwhelming or out of hand, so you can get control of your emotional reactions."  Dean nodded. 

"It may also help you if you guys are having a safe-word when you are working through your fears or if you are being intimate with Cas, so Cas knows that you need him to stop immediately and take a step away.  You could possibly have another word for when you are getting close to your emotional limits.  These words give you control.  They give you an "out" of a situation.  It may comfort you to have these words to use.  To know that you can use them and Cas will know you are serious and need to stop."  

 

Dean thought about that when he walked home, for once alone. It was the second time that Cas had not walked with him, and Dean could not for the life of him figure out If he preferred walking alone to get things sorted out mentally or if he hated walking alone because he did not have Cas’ quiet support.  It was nearing December, and Dean had still very few things figured out.  

For example, Dean had more than once considered asking Cas to move in with him, officially that was. The alpha practically lived there anyway, more and more of his clothing finding it's way to Dean's apartment.  

_You should just as well get it over with, Winchester. You know you want him here. Hell, when was the last time he was at his own place?_ Dean could not remember that.  _He even has his own key. I should really just get it over with._   

By the end of that week Dean was still unable to ask the alpha to move in with him. 

He did manage to make the list that Benny had suggested and Cas decided to hang it up in the bedroom.  Dean was just grateful that he had not hung it on the refrigerator.  Sam and Jessica visited often for lunch now so having a Dean’s-sexual acts I wish I wasn’t afraid of-list hanging on the fridge would have been downright awkward.  

Dean also practiced some of the relaxation techniques from Benny’s folder, finding some very useful and others not so much. One of them caused his alpha to fall down off the sofa, laughing so hard when Dean read out loud what the folder stated.  

 

Another week and another session with Benny passed. 

“You know Cas, you could just get it over with...” Dean suggested while they were brushing their teeth before bedtime. Cas just cocked his head to the left, clearly not understanding what Dean meant. 

“Half of your clothes are here. You already have a key. You could just bring all your stuff over here and move in with me.” Dean elaborated before spitting out his toothpaste into the sink, rinsing out his mouth and toothbrush. He left the bathroom and the baffled alpha who joined him a few moments later, still looking confused.  

“Are you serious Dean?” Cas asked, leaning against the bedroom's door frame.  

“As a heart-attack Cas.” He answered, patting the space on the bed beside him.  

“Then you should make some space in the closet for my stuff.” The alpha smirked when Dean nodded in agreement.  

 

Living together, they used their time to work through the list of Dean's fears about sex with Cas.  Getting Dean used to and feeling safe when Cas was on top of him was a fear they were finding hard to overcome.  And it wasn't even the top fear on Dean's list.  Benny advised to break down each fear into smaller, achievable steps.  It took longer than Dean liked before Cas could just hover over him like he was doing the plank exercise.   

Dean’s heat could come any day at that point, and even though the first breakthrough made the next ones come easier, their progress still moved too slow in his opinion. They had barely reached a point where they could give each other a handjob without Dean needing to safeword and use a relaxation technique to avoid a panic attack.  Dean wasn’t even close to ready for penetrative sex.   

With each fear they worked through and overcame though, the omega did find himself wanting more intimacy, craving his alpha in more ways than just the cautious touches they shared.   

Each time Cas touched him in a sexual way, he could feel himself getting wet and ready. His body wanted, and his mind was slowly getting there. But he knew that there was still a long way to go.   

So when Dean woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting from his first wet dream in fucking years, he felt just about as scared as he felt horny.  


	19. Rabbits have nothing on us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes into heat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, more smut from me!  
> Hopefully I have done a pretty decent job! Pleace let me know what you guys think.

After calling Bobby to let him know he would not be at work for the next few days, Dean called Benny’s voicemail to let him know that he wouldn’t make it to their appointment.  A warning message was texted to Sam, who  replied surprisingly quickly with his good wishes and telling Dean to text (or rather, make Cas do it) if anything was needed. Dean wondered why the hell his brother was up at that time of the night. 

Dean sat down at the dining table, breathing evenly in and out like Benny had taught him. He wished that they had made it further through his “sex acts I am afraid of” list, but at the same time he had struggled enough with what they had done so far.   

As of this moment, Dean could cuddle with Cas as his quilt and enjoy the closeness without feeling pinned down. He didn’t mind the alpha caressing his thighs, ass or pelvic area, and he had even gotten a handjob from him. That had been revolutionary. 

But Dean was still not looking forward to his heat. He could already feel the need building up inside him, his body craving Cas in ways that his mind could not control.  

He was still sitting in the dining room  when the alpha woke up. If it had not been for the circumstances, Dean would have laughed when he saw Cas’ split second transition from bleary-eyed and half asleep to wide awake and alert. 

“Oh. You… You are in heat?” It was not a question. Not really.  

Dean nodded confirming. “I know it was anything but fun for you the last time around… but can we do it like that again?  I am not ready to have sex with you, no matter what I will say or how much I beg you.”  

Dean blushed at the memory of him in bed, fingering himself open in the hope that the alpha would change his mind and fuck him. Part of him had been aware of how that hope had made his throat tighten and his stomach clench in fear, but mostly he had been too high on hormones to care.  

 “Of course Dean. I am not going to do anything to you that you are not alright with me doing outside your heat.” The alpha promised him, walking closer and kissing him softly.  

 

Dean was grateful. He still had no idea why he deserved Cas, but the alpha was nothing short of wonderful.  Dean felt completely safe as he felt his heat peak. 

“Cas?” He was aware of how whimpering and downright needy he sounded.  

The alpha did not answer, instead he stepped into Dean’s personal space, lifted him up from the chair and kissed him. The omega could tell that the kiss should have been gentle and assuring, but the smell of heat and arousal hung thick in the air, and Castiel’s lips moved against his with passion and need.  

Dean moaned softly against the lips of his alpha, pressing himself against him. His erection strained against his pants, and he was both wet and ready.  Dean wanted so badly that it almost hurt.  He pushed forward until his alpha’s back was up against the dining room wall, rubbing their erections together as he kissed him hard.  

“Too. Much. Clothes.” Dean told the alpha, each word its own sentence. Cas looked at him, pupils dilated with so much lust his blue eyes were almost black. Instead of answering he unbuttoned the omega’s jeans and pulled down. Dean fumbled with Cas’ fly before the alpha lost patience and opened them himself.  Their shirts went next leaving both men in their boxers. 

Dean could really feel the outline of Castiel’s pulsing hardness as he pressed them close together again. He was wet, his slick soaking through his boxers and dripping down his thighs.  Dean had a moment of insecurity before Cas curled his hand over his cock and he stopped thinking altogether.    

It took an embarrassingly short amount of time before Dean could feel himself on the verge of coming. Cas felt and sounded as close as he was, knot already forming on the base of his dick. Dean pressed him harder against the wall, nipping down his neck just to hear him moan like a porn star.  

“Mark me up alpha. I want to smell like you. Want the entire world to know that I am yours.” Dean growled against the sensitive skin just below the alpha’s ear.  

“God Dean.” Cas gasped, baring his neck for more. Dean complied willingly, sucking marks and biting as he moved against the alpha. “Oh god. Not… Ahh. Going. To. Last.”  

“Come for me.” The omega ordered, meeting the alpha’s frantic movements as he bucked against Dean. Even through their boxers Dean could feel the warmth as Castiel came in his underwear. It did not take more before Dean started spilling in his too, enjoying their mutual orgasmic high.   

With gentle touches Dean was able to coax another orgasm out of the alpha. They took a cold shower together, Cas resting his head on Dean's shoulder, blissed out and exhausted to a degree where he had a hard time standing.  

 

“Come on alpha, you need to get washed up.” Dean teased.  

Cas made an agreeing sound, looking tiredly at the other man before grasping the soap. “Would you be alright if I cleaned you up first?” He asked, knowing that Dean was on the low between heat peaks and able to answer what he wanted instead of what his body craved.  

“Yes please.” Dean answered, letting his alpha take care of him. He enjoyed it enough to get hard again, even though he honestly felt more like napping than anything else. Cas let Dean return the favour before they hopped out of the shower. The alpha insisted that Dean eat a meal replacement bar before allowing him to nap.  

They spooned closely together, the heat only allowing them a few hours of sleep before Dean woke up again, need burning through his veins like someone had poisoned him with raw desire and lust. His alpha was still sleeping, naked and sprawled over the bed like a confused starfish. For a few moments he just looked at Castiel’s sleeping features, hunger in his green eyes. He  _wanted_  a piece of that man so badly. Needed to feel him.  

Leaning forward he slowly caressed the soft skin around the other man’s groin, not wanting to wake him up just yet, but needing skin to skin contact never the less. He was aware that he was already throbbing hard, slick covering his backside. Cas stirred, slowly waking up as Dean’s fingers caressed his balls and dick.  

And Cas lying there, eyes only half open, lips slightly parted yet sporting a massive erection was easily the sexiest thing Dean had ever seen. So he straddled his alpha to kiss him, making sure that Cas could feel how wet and ready he was.  

“Need you Cas.” Dean whispered, rubbing his ass against the hard and throbbing dick underneath him. He really needed him bad, and he wanted his alpha to know. Cas responded with a broken moan, pressing up against Dean. The omega was not the only one wanting his partner badly.  

“I want you too Dean.” Cas admitted, looking almost sad as he bit his lower lip. “But I want our first time together to be outside your heat. I want to know that you want it without being drugged up on your own hormones.”  

That was not the right response. Dean got up, growling, and walked into the bathroom and locked the door. Fine. If the alpha did not want him, he could deal with it himself. A small part of him agreed with Cas, but mostly he just felt angry and unwanted. Stupid alpha and his stupid morals.  

 

Dean ended up riding out the wave of heat on his own fingers, which turned out to be pretty damned disappointing compared to grinding against a horny alpha. But release was release, and he was too drugged up on hormones to actually care about the quality of it.  

Alone, naked and lying on cold bathroom tiles it still took Dean half an hour before he started to feel like he could trust himself around his alpha again.  After a quick wash he unlocked the bathroom door to find Cas still in the bedroom, sitting on the bed, the room stinking like unhappy alpha.  

“Sorry.”  Dean mumbled, kneeling in front of his boyfriend. “I am glad that you are taking care of me, even though I may not act like it.” Cas sighed, lifting his gaze so that blue met green.  

“It is alright Dean. I guess my timing could be better, but….the thing is… I want you as bad as you want me on the peaks of your heat. It is… difficult for me to not just roll you over and fuck you. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to destroy what we have already accomplished by pushing you too far.” Cas looked concerned. “But I know your need is bad enough to be painful. I should take care of you, and I cannot.  I feel like a bad alpha.”  

“It is not your fault Cas.” Dean assured him, hugging his alpha close. “I know this is not easy for you either.”  

Castiel mumbled against Dean's shoulder, holding him close. Both of them enjoyed the break from their frantic interactions, of chasing a relief that wouldn’t come.  Touching and orgasms helped, but Dean’s body was needing penetrative sex more than anything.  

“You know, you could be the one  fingering me.  Or maybe using toys on me?” Dean mumbled embarrassed into the alpha’s neck.  

“Would you be alright with that?”  

“I think so, yes.” Dean answered. “We could try it out now? While I am still somewhat aware of what is going on and what I feel?”  

Cas was definitely on board with that, letting Dean take the lead.  Dean quickly shed his wet boxers and laid down on his back with his legs spread. 

Cas kneeled between Dean’s legs.  He seemed slightly shy about where to start, unsure on what Dean would enjoy and what he would not.  

“Go ahead. I will use the safe-word if I need to, alright?” Dean looked at the alpha with parted lips and pupils blown in lust. He could feel the slippery wetness between his ass cheeks as he moved to give Cas better access.  

“Okay.” Cas agreed. 

 

Dean closed his eyes, panting for air as he felt the first gentle touches around his cock. Cas could really be a tease when he wanted to, as the touches kept moving closer without him actually doing anything. Dean was throbbing with need, and Cas seemed to get the hint, fingers slowly caressing his soft balls and hard cock. A firm hand gripped around his erection, slowly pumping up and down. 

He opened his eyes ever so slightly to see his boyfriend lean forward, slowly licking from balls to head in small circles. Dean had to fight with himself to stay in place when Cas took him in his mouth, the warm wetness almost overwhelming him.  Cas’ tongue played as he bobbed his head slowly up and down, having no trouble swallowing down his omega.  Dean was aware of the incoherent praises he moaned out as the alpha hollowed his cheeks around his cock. Never had he expected an alpha to go down on him like that.  

Small whimpers escaped his mouth when Cas stopped sucking in favour of kissing Dean’s inner thighs and licking his balls. He spread his legs wider, allowing the alpha easy access to him. At one time he had sworn that he would never spread open for an alpha voluntary, but there he was. And he was fucking enjoying it. 

Slowly, Cas started working his tongue down past his balls and to his rim.  Dean reacted automatically to the first tentative touch of tongue, clenching his ass tight.  Reminding himself that it was Cas and not anyone else, he forced himself to relax.  

“Sure Dean?” his alpha asked, concern in his voice. He nodded, gasping for air as one cautious finger replaced the tongue circling his rim.  The finger then slowly penetrated him with ease, his ridiculous amount of slick working perfectly as lubricant. He could feel Cas’ finger moving gently in and out, getting him used to the feeling.  Dean wanted to enjoy it so badly.  But it was hard. Closing his eyes he tried to fight down the part of him wanting to kick Cas away from him and run the hell out of the bedroom.  

“Oranges.” He managed to gasp out, the sound of his voice broken in his own ears. Cas stopped his movements immediately, looking up with concern at Dean once again.  

“Just give me a moment. While kissing me, please.” Dean had not used their stop-entirely-safe-word, but just the I-am-close-to-freaking-the-fuck-out-safe-word. While his body could tell the difference between Castiel’s gentle finger and Alastair raping him, he still had a hard time with feeling someone inside of him again. For some reason using his own fingers or the fake knot did not cause the same problem. He would have to ask Benny about that. Then he filed away that thought, not wanting to think about his therapist while having sex with his boyfriend. 

The alpha leaned forward, cautious about not moving the finger he still had buried inside his omega and gently kissed him.  

“I am so proud of you Dean.” He praised between kisses. “Look at how beautiful you are. How brave.” The omega did not bother to protest, knowing that Cas could keep the compliments coming.  

Their kisses grew from being reassuring and gentle to hungry and fast. Even though Dean felt slightly insecure about it, he asked Cas to continue. The movement of Cas’ finger was even more cautious than before but slowly but surely the omega found himself getting alright with it.  Cas seemed to pick up the change, and after sucking a hickey on Dean’s neck, he continued, with kisses and gentle nips, to his chest where he gave extra attention to Dean’s nipples with his tongue.  Prior to dating Cas, Dean had not known how sensitive his nipples were but he had been very happy with that discovery. 

The alpha continued to slowly mouth down Dean’s body while getting more and more confident with his finger.  Cas brushed up against his prostate, causing Dean to buck up in pleasure, moaning out loud.  Blue eyes looked at him with a predator’s glare.  

“Can I add another one?” He asked and Dean nodded quickly. He wanted more so badly. Preferably Cas fucking him into next week, but he knew not to ask for that. 

When Dean was a moaning mess on three fingers, Cas suggested a toy. The omega agreed, whimpering in protest when Cas’ fingers were removed.  But within moments, a dildo with a fake knot was inside the omega, filling him completely and hitting his pleasure point.   It took an embarrassingly short time before Dean painted his stomach white with come.  

 

Using the toy seemed to make the breaks between heat peaks last longer.  While the omega complained that it felt plasticky (Cas had no idea if that was even a word) and strange, he still seemed to enjoy himself when fucked with it. 

Cas gave up on counting how many times he spilled his load in his boxers, coming from Dean’s not-so-gentle touches and sounds alone. 

The last day of Dean’s heat seemed to be the worst, both of them too exhausted and too sore to really do much. When Dean fell into an exhausted sleep, fever lower than it had been in days Cas had been grateful.  They were both happy when Dean showed no signs of heat the next day.   

All in all Dean’s heat had been pretty successful.  They managed to avoid a return to the hospital, the alpha keeping the omega so hydrated that he complained about needing to go to the bathroom all the time (Cas would just laugh and give him another glass of water).  It had been close to pleasurable.  At moments Dean had lost himself to the intense feelings and truly enjoyed himself.  Except the little glitch where he had locked himself inside the bathroom and the one use of his safeword, Dean had felt safe and happy during his heat. Exhausted from the ridiculous amount of physical activity he had also slept well and had no nightmares.  

 

As they showered off the sticky remains of his heat, Cas praised his bravery and told him how proud he was of him.  Dean closed his eyes and let Cas massage the scent-neutral soap into his scalp. He had changed shampoo brands since Cas moved in, not wanting to disturb the cocoon of safety their mixed natural scents provided him with.  

The alpha had been nothing short of wonderful.  Had Dean doubted his feelings towards him before, he was sure at that moment. He wanted nothing more than to wake up with Castiel for the rest of his life. Sharing showers, heats and meals with him. Or something like that. Dean smirked to himself. He was not a romantic at the best of times, much less after an exhausting 4 day heat, but he was so in love.  

He let Cas rinse out the shampoo before he turned around, returning the favor to the tousled mess that was the alpha's hair. The warmth of water eased the soreness of his muscles just like Castiel's presence during his heat had eased his mind.  

For once, Dean felt like he was not alone against the world.   


	20. Things don't get better overnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean continues his fight to get better, but unfurtunatly, things just don't get better overnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS  
> This chapter does contain a graphic description of rape. If you know that triggers you, please do not read they part in italian/kursive or the entire chapter for that matter. The rest does not contain graphic descriptions, just a shitload of feels. 
> 
> I have also updated the tags just to be on the safe side. I do not wish to trigger anyone, just give a view inside Deans head. 
> 
> I know that all of you where so glad that Dean was in a better place - and he is most of the time. But there are set-backs in such a recovery.

A few days after Dean's heat ended, he glanced in the mirror while washing his hands in Benny’s waiting area bathroom and noted the marks left by his alpha.  Dean's neck was covered in fading bruises and there were bruises and other marks underneath his clothes that he could feel but not see. He knew his alpha's body looked just like his did. For some reason Cas enjoyed Dean marking him up, making it obvious to the world that he was taken. He smelt like Dean too, which never failed to make the omega happy.  

“So Dean, how did your heat go?” Benny asked.  

“Do you really want to hear about my week of sexual escapades?” Dean smirked towards his therapist, wiggling his eyebrows comically.  He then turned serious. “Better than expected, though my body and instincts are still screaming for stuff that I do not feel ready for.”  

“You are not the first to feel like that.” The blue eyed man smiled wryly. “Did you find the exercises helpful?”  

“Some of them. Some of them make me feel downright stupid.” Dean admitted with a shrug. “I have managed to overcome the third fear on my sex list. It has taken a long time, I know… And there is so much more I want to do. It feels like I am moving too slow, you know? I want it to work out, and it would have been better if it had started working yesterday.” 

“It is understandable that you are frustrated about that, but true healing does take time. I gather that some of the fears on your list have also been a problem for you when you were with women, right?” Dean nodded as Benny continued. “So sex has been a problem for you for  _years_. And while I do think you are making significant process already, you are trying to reverse years of fear and unhealthy coping mechanisms.”  

“It is still annoying.” 

“Yes it is. But you are doing really well Dean.” 

“Doesn’t feel like it.” The omega grumbled, sending his therapist an annoyed look. What more did they have to talk about at this point?  They had discussed Dean's problems with sex.  Many times! It had been months, and he was still feeling nauseous by the mere thought of having sex with Cas.  

“It feels like I am hopeless. That I am not good enough omega for Cas and that if I tried harder or pushed myself to do more on my list I could be the omega he deserves.” He admitted, gesticulating with his arms in a hopeless movement.  

“You are not hopeless. And you are working very hard.  But you tend to be very hard on yourself. If the roles were reversed and Cas was the one feeling like you do, would you be as hard on him?  Would you be pushing him to have sex with you?” Benny gave him an intense look and Dean immediately shook his head in the negative.  

No, he would not be that hard on Cas if that were the case.  Cas did not deserve that.  

“Why do you believe that Cas should treat you in a way that you would never treat him?” 

“Isn’t that obvious? I don’t deserve better. I deserve to hurt.”  

“You don’t.” Benny scratched his hair like he was trying to figure something out. “I want you to try something for me next time those negative thoughts arise, alright?” Dean nodded. The exercises he had already tried seemed to work out fine enough, even if he wanted things to go faster.  

“Next time you have thoughts about yourself which are negative, I want you to try and distance yourself from them.” Dean looked puzzled and Benny elaborated. 

“When you get these negative thoughts try speaking to the voice that is in your head.  If the voice tells you that you are worthless, remind that voice that you are the top mechanic at Bobby's autoshop and customers appreciate the work you do.  If the voice says that you do not deserve Cas, say to yourself ´thank you brain for that very useless comment, but Cas loves me anyway'.   

Benny continued, "Negative thoughts are your subconscious passing on a message repetitively.  They do not have to be true and often are not.  Instead it is your interpretation of your past experiences and the reason for them.  Therapy is helping you work through your problems that have caused your unhealthy coping responses.  But responding to negative thoughts with a rebuttal even if it’s a sarcastic response may make them easier to deal with.”  

“It sort of makes sense. And sort of sounds ridiculous.” The omega told his therapist, frowning. He had no idea what he actually thought of Benny’s weird idea.  But then again, he was willing to give it a try. The other tools he had given Dean had worked out well enough, so why shouldn’t this one?  

"I'd like you to try being less hard on yourself and start speaking up for yourself Dean, even if it's only to the negative voice in your head.  And if the voice overwhelms you, distract yourself with an another exercise or reach out to me or another support person in your life."      

 

Dean collapsed on the sofa when he got home from his appointment with Benny.  He felt like he had been in therapy long enough that the conversations should no longer be draining for him, but that was not the case.  He barely texted out a message reminder to Cas to get groceries before falling asleep, mind set on cooking when he woke up.   

 _“You are such a good bitch. You really want it, huh? All wet and ready for me.” The voice was_ _mocking._  

 _Dean tried to tell him no, tried to explain that he was in fucking heat and had no control over what his body felt like doing. He was wet and hard, he knew that. He hated that. He could feel the trembles of fear that would have left him curled up and shaking if he had not been tied down._  

 _As a result of his protests he was gagged as well. “Nobody wants a bitch to say anything but ´yes alpha` or ´please alpha`. You understand that, don’t you whore?” The man with the dead eyes explained_ _as he tied the gag around Dean’s head. Silent tears ran down the boy’s face. He knew what was going to happen next. He had read_ _newspaper articles about omegas like him. Further protests would bring_ _no_ _mercy, so_ _he just closed his eyes and prayed that it would be over fast._  

 _Even the gag could not keep all_ _Dean's_ _pained screams_ _trapped_ _as Alastair pressed his massive_ _dick_ _inside him, not caring that the boy tied in front of him was a virgin. No preparation, no warning, just overwhelming pain. Dean felt like he was being ripped in two._ _The alpha gave him no time to adjust before he started pounding._  

 _At some point_ _Dean_ _had lost consciousness, or he thought_ _he did. He wished he had been out longer as he felt the knot catch, hoarse screams leaving him again. It_ _hurt_ _so bad. He wanted it to be over, no matter what over meant._  

 _But when had luck_ _ever_ _been on his side? Alastair did not_ _let his knot_ _deflate_ _before he teared himself out of Dean, leaving_ _him_ _to scream himself hoarse against the gag, blood, semen and slick dripping from_ _his torn rectum._  

Dean woke up screaming, sweating and nauseous. Cas had just gotten home, grocery bags still in his arms, and stood staring at him with worry in his blue eyes. Everything seemed so overwhelming, and Dean barely made it to the bathroom before he started throwing up like his life depended on it. Gentle fingers ran through his hair. He could smell the alpha's worry, sour and tangy like his vomit.  

He took the alpha's offered hand, holding it in a painfully tight grip. He needed Cas. Needed to see that it was not real. That he was not back there.  

It seemed like hours before he let the alpha help him up from the bathroom floor and into the shower. At any other time he would have been embarrassed over having pissed himself again, but at that moment he could not find the energy to care.  

Gently he was stripped down in the most platonic way possible. Cas turned on the shower, making sure that the water was a comfortable temperature before coaxing Dean into it. Blue eyes looked intently at the omega, asking silently if he preferred to shower alone or if he wanted company. Dean grabbed his alpha's hand again and Cas got the hint, because soon there was two bodies in the shower. He leaned into Cas, letting the other man hold him close and mumble soothing words.  

The water turned cold before they felt ready to get out.   

  

Cas puttered in the kitchen while Dean sat in the living room.  Both were dressed in sweats and t-shirts, Dean with a robe because he kept shivering even though it was not cold in their apartment.    

Cas had been patient and quietly supportive and Dean knew that they needed to talk about what had happened.  Cas had offered to call Benny, but Dean said no.   

“What did you dream about?” Cas asked, entering the living room and placing a steaming hot cup of cocoa on the coffee table in front of him. Dean starred at the cocoa, feeling like it was too much of a task to lift it and drink the liquid. Instead he placed his hands around the cup for warmth.  

“I didn’t.”  

Cas frowned, not understanding what he meant.  

“I didn’t dream.” Dean elaborated. Even in his own mind his voice sounded tired and strained. “I was back there.” He could hear Cas swallow. “I felt him again. He gagged me, you know, so I couldn’t protest? All I could do was scream. But nobody cared. I can still feel him inside of me. How he nearly destroyed me. He is still here…” Dean pointed at his head “somehow he is still in there. Still screwing with me and making me hurt.”  

He was quiet for a while. “Why are you even here Cas? You deserve someone whole.” His voice cracked in the broken plea. He needed his stubborn alpha to understand. He was no good. Someone had already used him. Broken him. “You should have an omega who can give you everything you want instead of someone like me.  An omega that will take care of you and not the other way around.  Someone you don't have to clean up every time they piss themselves.  I am not worth the trouble or the pain Cas. Why is it that you just won’t see that? Why haven’t you left me already?” 

If he had not already been so tired, he would have thrown the hot cocoa into the wall and walked away. But his legs gave out as his first sob caused his body to cramp in half. It hurt. Physically it was painful, like someone had a tight grip around his organs and tried to twist out all the liquid they contained.  

And Cas was there as always, holding him close, trying to make the pain go away. Dean was just not sure if he could.  

“You are so stupid. Why do you want someone like me? There is a world of omegas, and you absolutely had to go choose the one with a soul in fragments? The one who you cannot possibly fix?” He was shaking violently, tears burning down his cheeks. “What the hell do you even see in me? Why haven’t you used me like he did? I deserve to be used like that you stupid, stupid alpha.”  

The alpha's protest was drowned out by the sobs of the omega.  Dean would not listen to explanations or gentle words. He deserved to hurt. He should have gone to the police and told them everything, because others had been hurt like him because he was a fucking coward. He should never have told Cas that he liked him or let Cas get involved with him. Stupid, stupid omega. Bad omega.  

  

It took hours before Dean calmed down enough to accept the assurances and comfort Cas was trying to give him.  He wanted to believe that he was worth it so badly, but did not know if he could. He tried using the method Benny had told him about, but the voices in his head were too messy, incoherent and loud for him to get a word in between them.  He was emotionally and physically exhausted. 

They cooked together. Dean just instructed Cas in what to do, too exhausted to really help out in any other way. The alpha had cleaned up the couch too. Dean kept wondering how the hell he deserved someone like that.  

Dinner was a silent affair. Neither felt in the mood to talk again. Cas seemed to consider it once or twice and then decided against it. Dean was somewhat grateful. He could not stomach anymore talk about his nightmare and had no desire just to small-talk about irrelevant stuff.  

He curled up against Cas after dinner, insisting that they watch a movie together even though both of them had to work the following morning. Cas complied, gently stroking his hair as Dean breathed him in, letting the calming scent of his boyfriend envelop him.   

Dean fell asleep in his alpha's arms and had no further dreams that night. 

 


	21. Christmas delight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas is making everything ready for Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have added an art-piece in the first chapter. I would really, really love to hear your thoughts on that one! Holy moly that has taken a long time.
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this chapter too. Your comments make me SO happy. As someone who have not really gotten response on my writing before, knowing that someone somewhere actually likes what I do? Really, it makes me so glad.

It was the beginning of December and the alpha decided that they needed to go Christmas shopping. They still had no idea how they were going to celebrate Christmas, but Cas had suggested that they celebrate Christmas like they had celebrated Thanksgiving, just them.  After Dean's nightmare and breakdown, it had taken him weeks and additional appointments with Benny to feel close to normal again.   

Dean hesitantly suggested inviting their brothers and a few close friends to celebrate too.  But then his face clouded in indecision. Castiel just kissed him. They could always make that decision when Dean felt ready for it.  

But no matter where and with who they celebrated Christmas, gifts were needed. Cas had been pleasantly surprised when Dean agreed, smile reaching his green eyes for the first time since he had dreamt about his rape.  

Hand in hand they walked down the beautifully decorated pedestrian street. Dean laughingly pointed out that the Christmas lights and balls looked like an erect penis coming. Cas joined in his laughter, happy because Dean was happy.  

“So, what do you plan on getting Sam?” Cas asked. They had already gotten Gabriel a cupcake decorating set and small gifts for Charlie and Bobby.  Taking a break, they were enjoying coffee and pie at a small café.  

“Ehh.. I don’t know Cas. I would love to give him everything he needs, but he would hate me for that.”  

“What does he need?” The alpha tilted his head, looking at his green eyed omega with love and affection.  

“Books for school mostly, I think.” Dean shrugged. “Problem is that I have no idea what books he needs and which he has. He sometimes buy books like years in advance because he thinks they sound exciting. I have no idea how we are even related to be honest.  And giving him money for books just seems so… you know, impersonal and boring?”  

Cas thought about that for a moment, wondering how to solve Dean's dilemma.  No doubt money for school was what Sam needed the most, but he completely understood why Dean hesitated. It could easily seem like Dean had simply not wanted to think about a gift, and while Sam knew better, Cas understood why his boyfriend wanted to give Sam more than that.   

“How about buying him a cookbook or something, but also give him money or a gift certificate for his study books too?” He suggested, returning the smile Dean sent him.  

“Not a bad idea. Do you think there are cookbooks for dummies? I mean, you can get chemistry for dummies and cooking is a science, right?”  

“A very difficult one.” The alpha agreed in a dry tone, causing his omega to laugh out loud again. He savored the moment, enjoying the scent of happy omega mixed with pie and coffee. Cas had no problems with admitting that he was bad in a kitchen. He was learning though, Dean his patient teacher. Apparently the omega had decided that he would teach Cas how to cook, even it was his last accomplishment in life (Cas himself feared that it could be given his obvious lack of talent).  

“But if I give him a cookbook, shouldn’t I give him some spices and basics for cooking? I am pretty sure he lives off instant noodles and shitty takeaway when Jessica is not there to cook something for them.” Dean tilted his head, sending Castiel another warm smile.  

“I suppose that basic herbs and spices would be wise, yes.” Cas agreed. 

It turned out there was a cookbook for dummies. They debated a little on it actually being a gift for Sam or Jessica when they bought it, then headed to the nearest store to get measuring cups, a few cooking utensils, and a spice rack with all the basic herbs and spices in small containers.  The omega did not trust Sam to grow his own herbs or even keep a plant alive and Cas found himself inclined to agree. He had known Sam long enough to be aware of the fact that he had killed several cactuses. The kid was bright in so many ways, but he had his flaws.  

For good measure they bought a small gift for Jessica. Not that they knew her that well, but she seemed like a sweet girl and Dean wanted to welcome her to the family properly.  

  

Turning in for the night, they automatically came together.  Dean in the arms of his alpha, head resting on his chest.      

“Do you have any Christmas traditions?” Cas asked, letting his fingers run gently through the soft hair of his omega.  

“Nothing too weird, I suppose. When mom was alive she made stockings for me and Sam. I want to do that with my kids too. I remember it making me so happy, even though it was just small stuff or things that I needed like socks or extra mittens because I always lost mine.” Dean turned around to kiss him softly. “What about you?”  

It occurred to Cas that it was the first time Dean had ever talked about kids and a small flicker of hope made his heart and imagination go haywire. Images of a pregnant Dean, small kids running around their feet, celebrating Christmas with toddlers on their laps. Gabe teaching his nieces and nephews how to bake pies for their Daddies, Dean teaching them how to cook, Cas reading to them and Sam with one kid on each massive shoulder so they could see the entire world.  These images made Cas very, very happy.  

“What are you thinking about? You seem all goofy.” Dean interrupted his thoughts.  

“Kids.” Cas shyly admitted. “I just realized that I want them at some point.”  

“Oh.” Dean responded, happiness suddenly leaving his face.  

“What is wrong?”  

“You know Cas… One of the consequences of long-term use of suppressants can be infertility.” Dean swallowed. “I may not be able to give you what you want.”  

“Dean, kids are not necessary for me to be happy. Should it turn out that both of us want them at some point and we cannot have them ourselves, there are other options, like adoption. There are many children out there who need a caring home.” Cas gently planted a kiss on the forehead of his omega. “I love you no matter what.”  

“You shouldn’t.” Dean protested. “I am broken Cas. I am bad, bad choice. My mind is not working, what if my body isn’t either? Then you are just have a stupid, useless omega on your hands. You cannot possibly want that.”  

“You are none of those things Dean and I know that you are working hard to overcome these thoughts.  So I will keep telling you how wonderful you are and how much I love you until you are ready to believe me.” Cas gently explained.  

“Dean, you are bright.  You are kind.  You are always trying to make other people happy. You are a caretaker who puts the needs and happiness of those you love before yourself.  You are a great cook and an even better teacher.  You are an expert mechanic that can fix any broken machine. You are patient and stubborn.  You smile even when you are hurting, because you don’t want anyone to see and worry about you.  Kids or no kids Dean, I couldn’t care less. I want to wake up by your side every day for the rest of my life, share my thoughts, feelings, future and past with you.”  

The omega seemed like he had no good response for that, and remained silent for a moment, his brows slightly pinched together like he often had them when thinking.  

“I do believe that you may be suffering from some sort of illusion Cas. But I love you too. And I am glad that you see me that way.” Dean send him a small, assuring smile, like he wanted Cas to believe that everything would be alright. “I think we should host Christmas. Invite Sam and Gabe and Bobby and Charlie and cross our fingers and toes that we won’t end up killing each other.”  

“I believe enough eggnog will make that easier.” Cas agreed, kissing Dean again, mainly just to enjoy his soft lips against his own. He doubted that he would ever get tired of kissing Dean.  

  

They texted their brothers and friends the next day to invite them over for Christmas. Cas knew that it was not very "alpha-like" to be excited over a family Christmas, but hell, he had more than demonstrated that he was a far cry from the typical alpha.    
 

Dean suggested that they get their own Christmas decorations, and Cas quickly agreed. It would be their first Christmas together as a couple, and it seemed appropriate that they had decorations that were theirs.  They purchased a small tree on Saturday and spent all of Sunday listening to Christmas carols and decorating the tree and apartment.  According to Dean there was no such thing as too many Christmas decorations.  The alpha felt pretty sure that he would be tired of the holiday before they even reached Christmas Eve, but seeing Dean smile brightly as he hung silver-snowflakes in the windows, Cas figured he could deal with a little Christmas fatigue.  

 

Cas did manage to keep their bedroom elf-free, insisting that he would be absolutely impotent if a fucking gnome with a hat stared at him during sexy times.  Dean had given him a grin and replaced the elf with a braided heart.  

 

Dean’s -sex acts I'm afraid of -list had gotten shorter as they overcame more of his fears.  The first time the omega went down on Cas he had an orgasm that made him see stars.  The omega proclaimed himself a natural cock-sucker.  Cas had returned the favor and they had both performed the act numerous times to their mutual benefit.   Still they had yet to overcome Dean's top fear which was penetrative sex.  The alpha was not impatient as such, but he really, really looked forward to sex to with Dean.  While he was by no means a virgin, Cas could not imagine anything better than sex with Dean. And when he thought about sex with Dean, he thought about mating him.  Although they had discussed children briefly the night before, Dean had never mentioned mating. 

  

Cas looked at his omega, enjoying how content and happy he smelled. He enjoyed watching Dean hang decorations wearing nothing but sweats, the way the muscles in his back and arms moved. How his freckles spread over his shoulders.  Maybe Dean did not want to mate. That could be why he had not talked about it.  

A text disturbed Cas' thoughts.  

“Gabe says he would love to come over on Christmas and he will bring dessert and sweets.  And pie, though I cannot possibly see how pie is appropriate Christmas food. I know it is tradition, but really? Pumpkin pie is for halloween.” He told Dean, who relayed that Sam had agreed to celebrate Christmas with them as well.   And that Bobby and Charlie would come to Christmas dinner.   

  

It took the alpha another week to work up the courage to ask Dean about mating.  He did it the day prior to Dean's scheduled appointment with Benny in case the omega had a bad reaction.  But it turned out his worries were unfounded.  Dean had not brought it up because he feared that Cas would not be interested.  To be an alpha/omega couple you did not have to have a traditional blood bond.   While breaking up now would be emotionally painful, breaking a blood bond caused serious physical side effects.  Some people required long term hospitalization if a bond was broken. Some even died.  Dean had not asked Cas about mating because he wanted to assure the alpha always had an out, believing fully that Cas had no desire to mate with someone like Dean forever.  

Cas made sure that Dean knew better. Knew how much he loved him, how he could not imagine a future with anyone else.  That Dean was his forever.  Dean had blushed, assuring his alpha that he felt the same way while he talked to his shoes like it was hard to admit.  Maybe it was.  Cas did not care. He reaffirmed his words with action, kissing his omega until both of them were panting and hard.  

They did not make love that night, but they did enjoy all the other acts that had been taken off Dean's original list of fears and placed instead on the "OMG, this rocks my world – do it again" list.   As the omega lay sleeping and sated in his arms, Cas began to make plans for how he was going to make Christmas special for Dean.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So any guesses on what Castiels special plans could be? :D


	22. Future ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel plans out how to make Christmas something special for Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter as well. The drawing is just a quick little thing (read, less than the 10+ hours the one in chapter one took), I just could not get the image out of my head another way than this. 
> 
> I have gotten myself a tumblr. If you feel like it, you are more than welcome to follow me, throw suggestions that way and so. My username is the same as here :) 
> 
> Warnings for fluff :D

Cas would be lying if he said that he had not thought about mating Dean for a very, very long time. Hell, it had been a guilty dream of his for  _years_. It had been difficult for him to bring up, fearing that Dean would not want him. He could not have been more wrong.  

Gently he kissed the man he loved on the forehead. The omega was sound asleep, lulled by their scents entangling in a homey mix and Castiel’s steady heartbeat. He had quickly learned that Dean liked to cuddle in a way where he could listen to the soothing sound of his heart, especially if upset. And who was Cas to deny him? Only on this particular night it made moving a little more difficult, compared to if Dean had just sprawled on his back like he did when Cas wasn’t in bed. Slowly he detangled himself from the omega, who mumbled in his sleep, annoyed that his favorite pillow was gone.  

Maybe it was an unnecessary precaution to take, but he did not want the omega to know anything of his plans. Sneaking both of their phones with him into the bathroom, he locked the door. Scrolling through Dean’s contacts he found Benny’s number which Cas quickly entered into his own phone before sending the therapist a text, telling him who he was and asking if the man had time to meet and talk about Dean.  

To his surprise given the time of night, Benny replied straight away that he had an open spot on Wednesday morning if that suited Cas. It did, he quickly replied before deleting the conversation, not wanting Dean to have the slightest clue.  

Wednesday arrived, and Cas was a bundle of uneasy nerves. Dean gave him several inquiring looks even though Cas really tried to act normal. Damn the omega’s nose that was so sensitive to Castiel’s emotionally scent.  

Once Dean left for work, Cas left the apartment too. He had already decided that Benny’s words would be paramount in his decision to ask Dean to mate.  If mating could set back Dean’s progress or harm him in any way, Cas would not do it. It would however ruin the Christmas proposal he was planning, but he could live with that. Dean’s mental health was so much more important than mating.  

The closer he got to Benny’s office the uneasier he became.  He had fantasized  about asking Dean to mate with him for so long, it never occurred to him how nervous he would be if it actually happened.  He realized he was nervous because it mattered so much to him.  Dean mattered so much to him.  He was afraid that Benny would tell him no to mating Dean entirely.  Cas could wait to mate Dean, but what if the therapist thought it would be better for Dean if they never mated? 

With a resigned sigh he pushed opened the door to Benny’s waiting room.  Cas decided he could live without mating Dean, would live with that, if it meant being with the omega.  They could still be happy together, mates or not.  

Benny greeted him soon after he arrived, leading him towards the office where Dean spent so many hours spilling his guts. Given that Cas was not there as a patient he was not asked to fill out any intake forms, but Benny did double check to assure Dean’s medical release form was signed and in his chart.  Dean had given Benny permission to discuss his therapy with Cas at his very first visit.  To Dean it was a way to show his alpha he trusted him, but it also assured that Benny could contact Cas if Dean had a setback.   Today it also gave Benny a way to talk to Cas without breaking any patient privacy laws.

“So Castiel, what can I do for you?” Benny asked, once both of them were comfortably seated.  

“I want your opinion on a certain matter in regards to Dean.” Cas answered truthfully. “I wish to mate him.”  

“Oh, I see. I can guess that you want my thoughts on the matter given his past.”  

“Exactly.” Cas agreed, hands fidgeting in his lap. “I want nothing more than to be with him, but I know that he still struggles a great deal. I don’t want to mate him if it will set him back or make things more difficult on him than they already are.”  

Benny leaned forward in his chair, fingertips meeting each other just in front of his knees, elbows resting on his thighs. He took a long moment to consider his reply before he spoke. 

“I cannot guarantee that it won’t be a setback for him once you are mated. In my opinion, knowing Dean in the way I do, I can say that the chance for that is small though.  I know how much he loves you, how much he cares. Even if he does not always say so with words, it is obvious to everyone when he talks about you.” Benny continued. “I also gather that you have made quite some progress on the sexual front. It is a good thing given that forming the final mating bond will require penetrative sex.” 

Cas started to blush as soon as the topic shifted to sex.  Discussing his sex life with a therapist was something he had never wished to endure.  

“I have no doubt that it would make Dean a very happy man if you ask him to mate with you.” Benny stated firmly, a small smile playing on his face.  

“However you need to be aware that it might be quite a while longer before he is ready to go through with the actual mating. The thought of penetrative sex is still freaking him out, less than before but still, and engaging in that too early would be a huge set back. If you go forward and ask him to mate with you, you have to make it clear that you will wait for him to be ready. He might think that it is more than a future promise. That you want it immediately and that he is not allowed to say no any longer. And feeling pressured like that or ending up having penetrative sex only because he believes it would make you happy would be a huge set back in Dean’s recovery.” 

“That being said, if I haven’t made it clear up to now, I wholeheartedly support your mating.  Mating will tell Dean that you love him unconditionally.  That you have no plans to leave him.  That you want to be with him forever.  More importantly, if he accepts your mating proposal, he is accepting that he is worthy of your love and that he deserves it.   Dean already knows this with the rational part of his brain, but he has a hard time processing it given his past traumas.  Mating should help with that.”  

Cas found himself smiling in the end. Well, the important part was that Benny supported his plan. He had not said anything that Cas had not already considered, but he would make it very clear to Dean that he had a choice regarding when they mated no matter what.  

“There is still a half an hour before my next patient comes by. Mind if I ask what you are have planned for the proposal?” Benny asked interrupting his thoughts.  

The small smile grew wider. “No, as a matter of fact I don’t.” The alpha answered, and started to explain how he planned to ask Dean to mate him. 

Cas left for work after his talk with Benny. It turned out to be one of those quiet work days where he had nothing to do, really, so instead he used the time between customers to google different rings.  A lot of couples preferred the mating bite scar to be their only mating symbol, but given the time Dean might need to be ready for that Cas wanted something to mark them as mates-to-be. 

Charlie appeared early for her shift, and trying to hide what he had been researching from the curious redhead proved to be impossible. 

“When are you planning to ask him?” She asked, looking at the rings that he had liked the most.  

“Christmas Day.” 

“Oooh!” She exclaimed, eyes and smile wide. “That is so romantic Cas! Have you planned everything out?”  

“Well, mostly.” He confirmed. “I need the rings, but otherwise I have a plan.”  

“Spill.” The omega demanded.  

“Nah. You are going to be there anyway. That would be like having the entire movie spoiled before you even get into the cinema.” He winked at her, ducking when she threw a block of post-it notes after him. That kind of teasing was so natural between them.  

“See ya tomorrow!” Charlie yelled after him when he left the shop, the door softly closing behind him as he left. There was less than a fortnight before Christmas, so he needed to get the ring as soon as possible. Luckily for him he already measured the size of Dean’s ring finger.  

As it turned out it was not a problem to get the ring he wanted in the right size. The shopkeeper agreed to keep it along with the ring Cas chose for himself until just before Christmas.  The rings were almost the same, but small differences made them unique. He debated on getting them engraved, but as the shopkeeper said, if he was turned down he would not be able to return them, whereas he could always get them engraved later if they chose to do so. While he felt pretty sure that Dean would say yes, he chose to wait. Maybe the omega had some sort of engraving that he would prefer over just their names and date.  

Cas picked up the rings after work the day before his Christmas break started.   If he was nervous and edgy before, it was nothing compared to how he felt with the small velvet lined boxes resting in his pocket.  One was wrapped in Christmas paper with a small bow on top, one without. Cas had not really seen any point in getting his own wrapped up.  Luckily, he arrived home before Dean so he was able to hide the rings in his toiletry kit, a place he hoped the omega wouldn’t look.  

 

Since they were hosting Christmas dinner, Dean and Cas decided to spend Christmas Eve at home together.  They found themselves cuddled in their usual spots on the sofa, sipping hot cocoa, and admiring their decorated tree.  Dean commented that Cas seemed excited for Christmas. He avoided responding by just smiling shyly. Well, he was excited, just not for the reasons the omega thought.  

Christmas Day finally arrived and they had a lazy day on the couch watching Christmas movies until dinner prep began.  Other than dessert which Gabe was bringing, Dean cooked the entire meal.  There was a moment of panic when Cas realized he had set the oven temperature too high, but an overcooked, dry turkey was avoided thanks to Dean’s constant supervision.  By the time their guests started arriving, Dean had rescued the turkey, the table was set, and Christmas music was softly playing in the background.  Most of their guests were meeting each other for the first time, but like Cas promised eggnog helped with the introductions.  Soon enough, everyone was chatting and eating and actually seeming like a family. As he watched the gathering from his place at the head of the table, Cas touched the small wrapped gift for Dean that was now resting in his pocket. Warm emotions filled the alpha. He could not imagine a better Christmas or a better mate to spend it with. 

After dinner it was time to exchange gifts.   Everyone but Dean knew that Cas was going to propose, so presents were quickly exchanged, opened, and appreciated.  Dean seemed confused at the swiftness of the process, but like his alpha seemed content just to be in the presence of those he loved. 

´Showtime` Charlie mouthed towards Cas when Dean was smiling at Sam, who had opened his last gift, the spice rack, and proclaimed that he couldn’t wait to start cooking.  

Cas pretended to discover the small, wrapped present underneath the tree and walked over to his omega.  With his heart hammering in his chest, he kneeled on one knee and presented the gift to Dean, who was now looking at him uncertainly.    

Showtime it was indeed.  

 

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=nqd35f)


	23. Christmas day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is looking forward to family-Christmas. Little does he know that Cas has special Christmas plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can tell that you guys where not too happy about being left with a cliffhanger, so enjoy this ultra-fluffy chapter wher eyou hopefully will find all the answers you seek <3

Not that Dean would admit it, but he had been looking forward to Christmas with his family like a fucking child. Gabe would bring desserts (after all that was his thing) so Dean and Cas cooked, not daring to let Sam in on that. Bobby would bring beer and Charlie wine.  

Dean pretty much shooed Cas out of the kitchen after he had managed the difficult task of peeling potatoes. Dean insisted that he had everything else under control. 

For some reason the alpha had insisted on buying a real tree instead of an artificial one, even though it was more expensive and was only good for that one year.  At first Dean had thought it was a frivolous purchase, but the ritual of picking out the tree together as well as the gentle smell of pine forest filling the living room, made it worth the extra money.  

Humming he stuffed the turkey, thinking about the past few months. If someone had told Dean that he would be celebrating Christmas with a man he thought about mating, he would have that person drug-tested.  Admitted to a psych ward maybe.   But here he was, content in his festively decorated home, stuffing things up a bird's ass while humming Metallica's Enter Sandman instead of carols.  Dean realized that he had experienced more happiness in the last few months than he had in his entire adult life.  Sometimes his happiness lasted mere moments and took him by surprise, as if he was unsure what hit him.  Sometimes he got to enjoy being happy for an extended time, until another nightmare or therapy session brought him down again. But Dean was happy and that was what counted. 

Cas had seemed a little weird in the past few weeks, like he was really looking forward to something and fearing it at the same time.  Dean figured that this Christmas was a first for him too, one celebrated with friends and family.  From what Dean knew, celebrating Christmas had not really been a thing for Cas' family even before his dad left, and well, who could blame him for not wanting a Christmas after that?   

He could hear Cas opening the door after the doorbell announced the presence of a guest.  The voice of his sasquatch brother announced that he was there. Peeking out, he could see Sam had a bag of presents.  Unfortunately, Jessica was unable to make it to dinner since she was out of town celebrating the holidays with her own family.  Dean gave a brief hello to his brother before returning to the turkey, rubbing oil, salt, pepper and just a hint of orange-peel into the skin to give it a nice, crunchy texture and Christmas-y taste. It was a pretty big bird, so even though there was quite a while until it was time to eat, he placed it in the oven.  

“isn’t it too early to grill the bird?” Sam asked from the kitchen doorway, smiling widely towards Dean. 

“Nah. If it gets done too early I will just let it rest. Makes the meat tenderer in my opinion.” He shrugged.  

They hugged. Sam smelled happy as well, and Dean found himself smiling even wider. Cas was happy, Sam was happy, Gabe was bringing pie…even Charlie and Bobby had agreed to come over for dinner. Could he possibly wish for a better Christmas?  

  

It was a few more hours until Gabriel arrived. He too brought a bag of gifts, but also a shit ton of cookies and confect. The omega felt pretty sure that by night's end no one would be able to walk to their beds. Death by overeating seemed possible.  

Charlie and Bobby arrived just shortly after Gabriel, both bringing the things they had agreed on and gifts too. Dean sent Cas a short side glance, glad that they had decided to get presents for Charlie and Bobby as well.  

Socializing with his guests and drinking eggnog, Dean almost let his turkey burn (why had Cas set the oven temperature so high?).  While he had emailed Charlie more than he hung out with her in person, he found her easy to be around. If they weren’t yet good friends, they would be soon he figured, as they downed another eggnog together.  Bobby was smiling into his beard, most likely hoping that no one could see how happy he was.  Sam and Gabriel decided they would set the table so Dean and Cas could continue socializing with their guests, and took to their task very seriously.   Within the half hour, Dean had rescued his turkey from certain death and placed it on the festively decorated table.  He found himself looking at a formal table setting accented with decorations, candy canes, and weirdly folded napkins in both red and green.  Dean smiled, seeing how seriously Gabe and Sam had taken their task and now preened, obviously happy with the result.  

“Very well done guys.” He grinned towards them, shaking his head slowly. “Never have I seen such a well-decorated Christmas table.”  

“Shut up Jerk.”  

“Bitch”  

Sam just shook his head, grinning. That exchange apparently never got old between the two of them. Charlie looked a little confused, whereas Cas looked resigned having been around the brothers enough to know how they displayed their affection.  

Mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce completed the meal. The others helped Dean plate and serve the side dishes, talking happily away as everything came together.  

Sitting down to eat, Dean felt like he was part of a freaking family, even though most everyone did not know each other beforehand.  Dean was filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling that had little to do with the eggnog.  He was celebrating Christmas with people he loved. People who cared about him. No matter how little he understood why these people cared about him, there was no denying that they did. Hell, Gabriel had even baked a pecan pie just because Cas had let it slip that pecan was Dean's favorite.  

Dean's sensitive omega nose could smell the happiness in the air, scents combining from everyone in the room. Jokes were fired around the table like everyone had known each other for years and there was an easiness to the entire group. Dean felt relaxed, full and happy.  

  

After dinner, Gabriel made his special Christmas hot cocoa for everyone to enjoy while they opened presents.  Everyone was really happy about what Dean and Cas' had gifted them. Sam blushed when he opened the cookbook as he had received the measuring cups just moments before to his big confusion.  The spice rack, his last wrapped gift, made more sense as he opened it.  

“Thank you guys. I guess this means that I will have to host dinner at some point?”  

“You bet.” Dean grinned towards his little brother. “And hopefully it will also impress Jess. Chicks dig cooking skills.”  

“Are you saying that I am a chick?” Cas interrupted, looking slightly confused. He really liked Dean's cooking. Everyone just laughed when Dean shook his head.  

The rest of the presents where unwrapped fairly quickly, Dean barely had time to enjoy his cocoa or the look on Castiel’s face when he opened what Dean had gotten him.  The alpha had more than once complained about being cold when he rode his bike to work in the morning, so Dean had gotten him a (very masculine) set of waterproof mittens, scarf and hat set to wear. He could even fit a bike helmet on top of the hat if he wanted.  Finding a good quality set without compromising too much on design had made it a slightly difficult gift to find. The scarf even matched Castiel's blue eyes as perfectly as Dean hoped when his boyfriend put it on.  

With Dean's gift wrapped snuggly around his neck, Cas got up and looked around the tree for a moment or two, returning to Dean with a tiny present in his hand.  Dean picked up the strong scent of nervousness from his alpha as he came closer, everyone else seemed attentive and eager.  

Cas got down on one knee, holding the small present out to Dean. Blue eyes were shining as Dean slowly took the present from his hand and unwrapped it, still utterly confused.  Inside the wrapping was a small jewelry box. Soft, black velvet covered the outside. He swallowed, looking at Castiel before slowly opening the lid.  

A simple silver ring was nestled inside the small box. Or, simple at first gaze Dean realized. The subtle details weren’t noticeable at first, but the more he looked the more he saw.  Two tones of silver metal were forged together in a braided pattern and combined formed a unified band.  He swallowed, heart already beating too fast. Could this mean what he thought it did? 

“Dean…” Cas' gravel voice, cracking around the edges, interrupted his thoughts. Green eyes met blue. “I have been in love with you for years. I believe it all started the first time I met you. Not even moments passed before I knew that I was falling for the beautiful man with green eyes....  

You make me feel at home. Make me feel like I belong. You make me whole.  

I am yours. I have been so for years, standing in the shadows, longing for you. I cannot imagine another man I would rather spend my life with.  

If you will allow me to be, I will be there to catch you when you fall. I will be there to hold you when everything seems too much, help you carry your burdens. You are not alone, no matter your answer. I will not leave you, not now, not ever. 

You continue to take care of others, making sure that no one is hurting. I want to do that for you.  

Will you make me the happiest man on earth and mate me Dean?”  

  

The omega could feel his heartbeat pick up speed as Cas talked, their eyes locked together. The rest of their company faded into the background and could not have mattered less to him at the moment. What mattered was the man in front of him.  

Dean tried to answer with words, but his throat was dry, tongue suddenly too thick and clumsy for him to talk.  His eyes were burning for some reason too. He croaked something, and then nodded, holding out his hand and silently asking for Cas to place the ring on his finger.  

His alpha's relief and overpowering happiness washed over him, as he gently slid the ring over Dean's finger.  It fit perfectly, like it was made for him, Dean realized. The ring on his finger seemed blurry, so he looked at Cas, who looked blurry too. Wait, was he crying? Why was he crying? His face hurt from smiling, he did not understand.  

Cas got him up on his feet and hugged him closely. Dean could smell how happy Cas was and he realized he probably smelled happy too.  

“I love you, dork.” The omega softly whispered against his alpha's ear.  

“I know. I love you too.” Cas answered before Charlie started whooping from the other end of the living room. They parted slowly, still holding hands.  

Everyone was smiling, happy on their behalf.  

The knowing smirks from earlier that day. The general smell of anticipation that he had written off as usual Christmas excitement… Dean frowned for a moment.  

“You guys knew?” He blurted out, looking at the other guests. They started laughing again, so Dean turned to Cas.  

“I may have told them, yes.” He answered, blushing.  

“Who else have you talked with?” Dean asked. It did not suit him entirely that everyone around him had known before he did.  

“Benny.” Cas shrugged. “I had to make sure that it would not be harmful to you in any way.”  

“Oh.”  

The blue eyed alpha was handed another velvet box by Charlie, who couldn’t stop smiling. 

“Would you do me the honor Dean?” Cas asked, holding the box and his own hand forward. Dean was more than happy to do so.  

The feeling of family and contentment picked up again, as the Sam and Gabe handed out glasses of wine to toast the newly engaged couple.   Dean's heart seemed boundless in it's joy, recognizing, perhaps for the first time, that Cas loved him unconditionally.  That his family and friends loved him too and supported his relationship with Cas.  Laughter filled the room as Sam and Gabe started comparing stories about their brothers, Charlie standing by Bobby one arm slung over his shoulder and Cas looking on with a bemused expression as his right hand unconsciously touched the newly placed ring on his left.  Dean could not remember ever being so happy as he looked down at his hand, admiring his own ring. 


	24. The six o clock news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow Dean and Cas ends on the sofa, making out while the news are running in the background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter as well. I do feel sorry for keep putting Dean into shit, but it is necessary for him to get better that his past is resolved.

Charlie had invited them to her New Year’s celebration. Not having any other plans, the couple had accepted. Dean had been nervous about being in roomful of strangers, but he trusted that Charlie would not invite a bunch of knot-heads to her party. Besides, Cas would be there if anything went wrong.  

As it turned out, the party wasn’t bad. Dean actually found himself enjoying the party, mingling with people he had talked with on Charlie's website and some of her other friends.  

People seemed in awe of Castiel’s proposal, especially a very insistent girl named Sandra. Dean felt like he did nothing but show off his ring and repeat how the proposal went down as she dragged him around the room, making everyone listen.  According to her there had never been a more romantic proposal in the entire history of humankind and Dean was so lucky to have an alpha like Cas.  Cas sent Sandras long-term boyfriend Charles an apologetic smile, knowing that he had set the bar high if Charles had any plans to propose.   

Cas gently pulled Dean in for a kiss on the cheek that made the omega blush. "I am the lucky one." He stated, loud enough for everyone to hear. Dean could not help that his skin color grew even pinker as the single omegas in the room sighed, wanting what he had.  

It was moments like this that made Dean understand that Cas meant what he said.  He loved Dean and wanted to mate him. Cas had not proposed for the show of it or to force Dean into sex.  The proposal and Cas’ words had been real.  Heartfelt.  Dean fucking loved Cas.  And slowly, Dean was getting used to the fact that the alpha loved him too.  Maybe, just maybe Dean was worthy of Cas’ love?  

 

Benny congratulated Dean on his engagement at their first session in the new year with a smug smile.  

“You bastard.” Dean grumbled towards his therapist. “You knew last time I was in here, didn’t you? That he planned on proposing?”  

Benny nodded confirming. “I assume you said yes?” 

“Yeah” Dean admitted, then pointed at his neck where the mating bite would go. “We still need something though.”  

“How do you feel?”  

“Honestly? Confused. My emotions are so mixed up about this.” Dean admitted. “It is weird, because I suppose I should just be happy. And don’t get me wrong, I really am, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around that he wants to make our relationship permanent.  That he doesn't want an out.  I mean, sure it would hurt to go our separate ways at this point, but without a blood bond there would not be any major damage.” Dean frowned. “He wants me Benny, and I really, really do not get that.  ”  

“You will. But given what you have been through it will take time.” Benny stated. “Have you tried giving this negative voice in your head a response?”  

“Mhm.  It works most of the time.  For the small moments.  But when I feel really bad, like before Christmas, it's like I don't have control of that part of my brain and it takes over.  Luckily, Cas can usually get through to me.”  

It was one of the lighter sessions. Benny sensed that the proposal had been pretty overwhelming for the omega, forcing him to confront his continued lack of self worth.  

 

Dean was home in time from his therapy session to cook dinner.  Cas was already home, but was still not trustworthy enough for Dean to let him have access to the kitchen unsupervised.  

Given the cold temperature, they agreed to leftover beef stew. While the stew was reheating on the stove, they ended up on the sofa, making out with the television playing softly in the background.  

 _“And now to the evening news.”_ The television voice announced. Neither man was really listening, too busy with each other. 

Several news stories passed without notice, their breathing getting heavier.  Dean was wet with want.  

 _“Another victim of the midwest serial rapist known only as Alistair has been found.”_  The name made Dean sit up, green eyes round in terror as he stared at the television screen. Cas looked confused, then turned his head towards the television.  

 _“The unidentified young omega male was brought to the hospital a few hours ago and is currently in surgery.  The victim was able to identify the name of his kidnapper and rapist as Alistair, but could not provide a physical description.  DNA tests are pending, but the omega's method of kidnapping as well as his injuries are consistent with what Alistair's previous victims have reported. The police have released a statement asking for anyone who may have witnessed any suspicious activity or has any information regarding Alistair, this case or any past cases to please come forward.”_   

Dean slowly withdrew from Cas. He felt like he was moving in slow motion. It felt like years not seconds were passing.  There had been another victim. It had been so long since the last victim, many felt Allistair was dead.  But now there was another victim.  Another omega who was hurt like he had been hurt.  If the kid ever got back on his feet, Dean knew the emotional hell that awaited him. Guilt made his throat tight and lungs constrict. He did not deserve air when his actions had caused another omega to suffer. He heard his alpha protest. Had he said that out loud? He did not know. 

Cas tried to comfort him, but Dean pushed him away. The omega was in the hospital. Scared, hurt, and alone.  He had yet to be identified.  Did he have a name?  A family who loved and missed him?  If he could have no comfort, Dean should have none either. 

He was not aware that he had started hyperventilating before hands cupped his face forcing him to look into blue orbs full of worry.  

“Breathe with me Dean.” 

And Dean tried. But it felt so impossible to breathe like that. His airways were constricted, because he did not deserve air.  Why didn’t the alpha get that?  Dean was dizzy, he began to see black spots at the edge of his vision.  

“ **Breathe with me Dean!** ” For a short moment Cas' eyes were red not blue. Dean found himself obeying. Cas had never used his alpha-voice on him before.  He slowly started to breathe in and out in sync with the alpha, the dizzy and lightheaded feeling slowly disappearing as his breathing evened out.  After what seemed like hours to the alpha, Dean finally was breathing normally, pained green eyes once again focused on his own. 

Cas tried to coax him into eating. Dean refused, convinced that anything going down would come right back up again. He was thankful that the alpha did not push or use his voice again, instead he helped Dean into the shower.  Dean allowed Cas to take care of him, needing the silent comfort.  He let Cas wash and dry him then dress him for bed.  He offered no protest when Cas included a pull up under his sleep pants.  As they lied down in bed together, Cas maneuvered Dean into his favorite position, tucked into Cas’ side, ear to Cas’ heart. The alpha did not ask questions about what the omega wanted to do or push Dean to talk about what happened.  Instead Cas grabbed the novel he had been reading off his nightstand and started reading out loud. The gentle rumble of his voice combined with his steady heartbeat soon caused Dean to drift off into a dreamless sleep. 

When Cas was sure that Dean was safely asleep, he grabbed his phone, texting Benny asking to talk. It was still early, so he figured that the therapist was awake.  

Instead of a text, Cas got a call half an hour later.  

 _“Good evening Castiel.”_  

“Evening, Benny.” Cas replied in a hushed tone, mindful of the sleeping omega at his side. 

 _“Can I safely assume that you guys have been watching the news tonight?”_  

“Yes. Dean panicked completely. I had to use my alpha-voice just to get him to breathe normally again. He is asleep right now.”  

 _“No wonder there. Has he talked with you about his guilt?”_  

“A little yes, but mostly I tend to smell it on him when we are talking about his dad or rarely, his rape.”  

 _“I cannot say that I am surprised by that. Dean believes he is guilty because he did not talk with police back then.” Benny started to explain. “And since there has been another victim…” he sighed “it is most likely a huge set back for him. He may feel responsible for another omega getting hurt.”_  

“Yes. He said that. I don’t think he meant to do so, but...” Cas gently stroke the soft, dark blonde hair with his free hand. “But what the hell do I do? I feel so useless. I want nothing more than to protect him against the world. Make sure that he is never hurt. Every time something good happens, it seems like he is smashed down again.” He was frustrated. Angry at the world for not letting his mate-to-be be happy for once.  

 _“I am not sure there is anything you can do, as such Castiel. Dean needs to come to terms with what he feels. I know it is frustrating to not be able to do more than support and love, but it is what he needs. You cannot force him into talking about how he feels.”_  

“You’re right.” Castiel agreed, sighing deeply.  

 _“I am available anytime for Dean if he feels that he needs to talk with me.”_  

“Thank you Benny. And thank you for taking time to talk with me too.” 

 _“Anytime Castiel.”_  

After ending the call the alpha kept looking down at his sleeping omega. Coming to terms with emotions was not exactly easy, he knew that as good as anyone.  

“I just wish I could do more.” He gently told Dean, before shutting off the light. He needed sleep as well.  

  

Dean was confused the following morning. Everything felt weirdly off, and he could not put his finger on why. He sat quietly in the bed, observing the sleeping alpha. Slowly everything returned to him. There had been another omega victim like him. Another John Doe was in the hospital, waiting for his family to be identified and contacted. There was another family who had been missing their son for months, fearing the worst.  

Cas woke up fast. It had not occurred to Dean that he stank of unhappy omega, and that his alpha would react to that even in his sleep.  

“How are you, Dean?” The alpha asked, supporting himself on his elbows.  

“Can you get the day off?” Dean looked dead serious. 

“Sure. I will just text Charlie, ask her to cover for me. Why?”  

“I need to talk to the police. And I am not sure that I am able to go by myself.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that I have a tumblr? You can [Visit TUMBLR here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deancebra) and throw questions, suggestions and prompts my way. I would love to hear from you guys!


	25. Giving a statement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets to the policestation, but making a statement is not an easy thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LadyHawke72, my wonderful beta, has done it again. Motivated me, somehow managed to make my shitty chapters have any sense to them and asked me the questions I did not know I needed. So send her some love or whatever you guys do, because this chapter and the one before would not have been worth reading without her.

In the end, Dean talked with Benny over the phone before handing Cas the keys for the Impala, for once letting him drive. The omega was aware that his thoughts would be anywhere but on the road and he did not want to cause an accident because his attention was divided. His therapist had offered to meet him at the police station, but Dean said no. He needed to do it by himself.  Well, do it by himself with Cas at his side.  Besides,  he could always call Benny if he needed him.  Hell, he actually had a lot of people he could call if he needed them.  The thought gave him some comfort as they drove.    

Caught in his own mind, he closed his eyes as the safe thrum of the engine lulled him into calmer state. Cas could have driven him anywhere and he would not have registered a thing.  Dean had almost drifted into sleep, when the car slowed then stopped.  The engine now silent.  A whiff of fresh air hit him, then the sound of a soft thump as a car door closed.   Dean could hear Cas's footsteps, then his voice as he spoke his name, opening his car door and holding out a hand for him.  Dean opened his eyes slowly, took a deep breath, and accepted Cas' hand.  He was not alone.  He could do this. 

Hand in hand they walked into the police station.  Having Cas at his side, Dean felt determined.  He was in a better place than the first time the police had tried to talk with him.  

A man, barely a grown up, Dean noted, sat behind the police station reception desk.  

“Hey. Can I help you?” The boy, Dean had a hard time thinking of him as a man, smiled at them. He was not a police officer, more of a receptionist.  

“I… I heard about the Alistair-victim in the news. That… uh… the police requested for anyone with knowledge to come forward? I am here for that.” His voice was shaking, but he hoped the boy would not notice.  Cas squeezed his hand. 

“Oh. Yes. That is correct.” The kid confirmed. “Please take a seat in the waiting area Mr...?"   

"Winchester", Dean replied with a nervous smile, "Dean Winchester."  

"OK, Mr. Winchester, I will make sure that you get to talk with an officer very soon. There is a coffee-machine, feel free to make a cup while you wait.”  

  

The kid had not been kidding when he said that there would be an officer to speak with him soon. They had just gotten themselves a cup of coffee each, sitting silently on the hard plastic-chairs when a uniformed alpha-female walked over to them.  She had a friendly face, short brown hair and warm brown eyes.  

“Mr. Winchester?” She asked and Dean nodded.  “Castiel.” She nodded shortly towards the blue eyed alpha, who send her a small smile.  "Mr. Winchester, I am Sheriff Jody Mills and I am leading the current investigation into Alistair.  I'd like to take you back into a room and get your formal statement.  Cas, you are welcome to come as well." 

Dean looked confused by her friendliness with Cas before she further explained with a warm smile, "I know your mate, because I frequent his shop quite regularly."  

Cas quickly explained that he knew Jody because she often came by his shop for coffee and a quiet place to read.  She was a proud single mom to two omega, teenage girls, but her time as Cas' shop was her adult break time so to speak.  They often compared reading lists and discussed books and life in general.  So they knew each other.  Were Friends.  Sort of.  

“She is a good person Dean.” He added. “Do you want me to go with you?”  

Dean shook his head, getting to his feet.  He was resolved to do this on his own.  The sheriff offered her right hand in a formal greeting.  "Please Mr. Winchester, call me Jody."  The omega noted her firm, but not overly alpha-dominating handshake.  Her scent was as warm as her smile.  "Ok, but only if you call me Dean."  The warmth of her smile reached her eyes this time as she lead him toward a small office.  Jody offered him a seat at a small conference table, sitting directly across from him.   There was a pitcher of water and glasses on the table.  He declined a glass.  There was also a small tape recorder.  

“I know this seems intimidating, but it is important that everything you say is recorded.  We need to know everything you may have seen when the omega went missing.  Even the smallest detail may be what leads us to catching the bastard.” Jody explained. 

The omega swallowed and closed his eyes.  “Actually I...I...I am one of his victims".  Dean stuttered.  "Seven years ago Alistair abducted and raped me.  He tried to kill me.  I saw him.  I know what he looks like.  I was not… I was not able to talk about it back then. I am now.” He told her opening his eyes.  

Jody’s expression shifted from professional police officer to protective mother in an instant.  Her eyes blazed and her scent spiked with the metallic smell of anger.  She covered Dean's clenched hands with her own as she calmed, looking at Dean like she wanted to scoop him up and care for him.   _I bet she's a great mother,_  he thought to himself.  A few moments passed and Jody calmed, her professional mask back in place.   

“You are very brave Dean.  I know this is going to be hard, but please tell me everything you can remember.  No detail is too small.  I will ask questions if I need to, but for now I just want to let you speak.”  She squeezed Dean's hands and looked into his eyes.  "If you need to stop at anytime, tell me.  If you need Cas, please let me know.  OK?"  Dean nodded.  She squeezed Dean's hands one last time and then turned to the tape recorder and pushed record.       

“Sheriff Jody Mills, interviewing Dean Winchester, victim of the serial rapist known only as Alistair.  The date is January 5th, 2016.  The time is 10:34am.  Mr. Winchester, please state your name and birthday for the record.”  

Dean did so, hesitated for a moment, and then started talking. He told her about the fight with his dad. That he had left the house, close to his first heat. How he had woken up in the middle of the night to a man grabbing him out of his bed. “I tried fighting him off. But hell, I was in heat. My body was burning up, I couldn’t.” He told her, green eyes pleading for her to understand that he had  _tried_  so hard to get away.  

He had been bound, a bag placed over his head and then shoved into the back of a car before they had driven off. In the beginning, he had been blindfolded. But Alistair's voice and smell. He would never forget that.  

“He promised me he would hurt my brother if I talked to the police.” Dean's voice sounded dead in his own ears. “I believed him. He knew where I lived. He had taken me easily right out of my bed with my Dad next door.  I believed that he could get to Sam, would hurt him if I tried to get away.  And at some point I think he started… trusting is the wrong word, I suppose, but he trusted that I would not try to get away.  I begged him not to hurt my brother. And he told me it would not be necessary if I were good for him. So I tried to be good.” 

“He took off the blindfold… I was still in heat, so it cannot have been that long after he took me. Felt like weeks though. Said he liked my pretty face. He enjoyed seeing the fear and pain in my eyes when he raped me, I think. ” The sheriff's lips moved, and Dean could have sworn she said something like sick bastard.  

“He kept me for months after my heat ended.  So long that I should have had another heat.  He used me the whole time though and beat me when I was not behaving. Making sure to remind me, that Sam would be next if I misbehaved. So I tried to be good. I tried so hard. I think he liked hurting me though. Liked to make sure that I did not do good enough. Each time he hurt me, he would say: “would you rather it was little Sammy?” and I didn’t want that. So I let him hurt me and use me as he wanted.” The omega was aware that his statement was slightly incoherent, but he did not care.    

“I refused to talk to the police back then. He would have hurt Sam. But I cannot let him hurt another omega. I cannot live with knowing that I am responsible because I haven’t talked with the police before. I could have ended this years ago if I had been brave enough.”  

“He has brown eyes.” Dean stated, then proceeded to tell Jody every detail about Alistair.  His physical description, his smell, his voice.  It was not a hard thing to do, the man was etched into his brain.  Neither was telling her about the basement he had been kept in or the make and model of the car he had been dumped from.  He had been unconsciousness when they had left the basement, but not when he was dumped.  Jody interjected with questions to clarify details, but otherwise let him talk.   

“I think he would have kept me longer, but I...I got pregnant.  He was furious because it meant no more heats.  He beat me so bad that time.  I think he was trying to kill the baby, but I don’t think he cared if I Iived through it or not.  I know that most of the other victims were already dead when he dropped them. I was pretty damned close to being dead too. Doctors told me that it was more luck than anything that I made it.  But it was more than that.  I needed to protect Sammy.  And hell,  if I lived Alistair knew that I was too scared to talk.  I was not a threat to him, he made sure to tell me that.   

Dean took a deep breath and then continued, "I slept in Sammy's room after I came home from the hospital, for years. He thought I did it because I needed the comfort, but really it was to keep him safe.  I moved out after he presented as an alpha and I knew Alistair would not want him.  I just needed to make sure that Alistair could never get to him".   

Dean looked at Jody then, green eyes imploring her to believe him, "I wish that I could have protected those other omegas too.  I'm so sorry I did not speak to the police sooner."       

“Do you have anything else to add?” Jody asked. When Dean shook his head, she proceeded: “Interview concluded at 1:37pm.” Then she turned off the tape recorder.  

“Dean, I want you to listen very carefully to me.”  Jody stood up and came around the table to Dean's side.  Kneeling down, she took his hands, and carefully she pulled on his hands until he faced her.  

“You are not responsible for Alistair not being caught or for the other omegas who have been hurt. The police had a lot of evidence, but did not do a very good job getting witness statements.  You are not the only omega victim that did not talk to police.  It is not your fault that the police did not take the threat seriously in the beginning because the omegas were in heat.  It is not your fault that the police did not make sure that you felt safe to talk.   You were let down by the people who had sworn to protect you and that is not on you.” Jody’s voice was firm and full of conviction.  Dean wanted to believe her.  

“I will do everything in my power to see that man convicted. I promise you that.” Jody squeezed Dean's hands once again then stood.   

“Would you be able to talk with a police artist, possibly later today?”  

Dean nodded. He just wanted it to be over. The faster the better.  

  

Back in the waiting area the smell of nervous alpha was overpowering.  Dean was assaulted by Cas, who rushed at him and hugged him close. Knowing that the alpha needed the physical touch just as much as he did, the omega melted into the embrace, holding Castiel as close as physically possible. Even with his scent clouded with nerves, Dean still found it to be calming.  

Jody waited patiently for the embrace to end, then wrote down Dean's number and promised to call him when the artist was available.  

“You are very brave Dean.” She said again, before saying goodbye.  Dean did not feel brave. He felt exhausted to his bones.  

“Please take me home?” He asked Cas. The alpha did exactly that.  

  

They got a few hours of peace before Jody called and asked him to return to the station to meet with the police artist.  

Cas drove again.  

The sketch was pretty damned accurate. Dean only needed to correct the artist a few times as he drew a picture of his rapist.  When the sketch was done there was no doubt.  It was a picture of Alistair, the man who had abducted and raped him.    

Jody thanked him again, but this time she asked if she could hug him.  Dean agreed and was quickly enveloped in the arms of the motherly alpha.  She told him to call at any time if he remembered anything else or if he simply needed to talk.     

They drove home. Dean collapsed on the bed fully dressed, his alpha curling around him like a shield protecting him from everything bad in the world.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that I have a tumblr? You can [Visit TUMBLR here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deancebra) and throw questions, suggestions and prompts my way. I would love to hear from you guys or follow you if you have a tumblr profile as well.


	26. The aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a hard time after giving his statement, everything being ripped open just as he thought he had gotten over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I usually throw chapters in tuesdays, but I fear that I may be too tired and busy tomorrow to do so, so here you go with another chapter filled with emotions. 
> 
> Warnings for more of Deans nightmares, though not as detailed as I have written them before. 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter as well :)

After giving his statement to Jody, it took days before Dean started to feel like a functional person again.  He felt like his heart had been hollowed out then filled in with bile inducing, overwhelming guilt.  Benny tried to talk to him, to assure him the guilt was not his, but Dean did not listen. Cas tried. And Sam. Bobby too. But no matter what they said they could not help change his mind.  It was his fault another omega was hurt.  He should have talked to the police sooner.  

Dean had learned in the news that the victim had been identified as Kevin Tran. He could have saved Kevin if he had just been braver before.  The kid had not even presented when he had been taken. What a way to learn your secondary gender.  

Dean felt as if his skin covered a dead person.  A husk, a shell.  Someone barely able to move around, breathe.  Getting through his day took too much energy.  Exhausted him.   

He showered only when Cas pretty much forced him to and barely ate. He really wanted to drink. Drown his memories and guilt in alcohol. But he did not.  He moved forward because he did not deserve the respite.  He deserved to suffer. 

In the end, it was a call from Jody that shook him out of his depression. They had a break in the case because of the information Dean shared. She apologized for not being able to share details, but Dean did not care.  What he had shared had been relevant. It had mattered.  Jody ended the call promising him that she would do everything in her power to see Alistair brought to justice. Dean believed her.  

“Jody called.” He informed Cas, who had slept through the ringing phone and resulting conversation. 

“Oh.” The alpha replied. “Did she have any news?” 

“Yes.” Dean breathed out slowly. “She said that the sketch, my information, have given them a major lead. She thinks they are very close to finding Alistair and arresting him.”  

“That is good Dean.” Cas smiled and took his hands.  Looking at his alpha, it occurred to Dean that Cas was suffering as well.  Cas looked exhausted. There was a pallor over his face that had not been there before. Dean leaned forward, gently kissing the love of his life.  

“She promised to keep me posted if anything happened.” He stated with a nod. It was good news.  “Get dressed alpha. We are going out for brunch.”  

The blue eyed alpha looked confused for a moment, then his gentle smile cracked into a truly happy one. Cas was up, dressed, and ready to go in an instant.  Quicker than expected given he had not even had his get up morning coffee.  Dean realized Cas moved quick because moving slow might give Dean time to reconsider going out.  To reconsider and slip back into sadness.  _I’ve got to try and get better._ Dean thought with conviction,  _my alpha needs me._

The pair enjoyed brunch at a small café. Dean learned that he liked yoghurt with honey which Cas found hilarious. Dean simply rolled his eyes at the teasing. 

“What do you want for your birthday, Dean? Should we invite anyone?” Cas suddenly asked.  

“You do realize that we may be busy during my birthday?” Dean teased, smiling and winking at his alpha.  Cas blushed but smiled back.  The omega realized that he might actually be looking just the slightest bit forward to his heat.  The last one had been alright. He could deal with another one like that.   

“If I’m honest, I just want to see Alistair caught Cas.  I have no idea what I want besides from that.”  

“So do you really trust me to get creative?” Cas teased.  

“I trust you with everything.” The omega replied. 

 

Dean would not say that he was back to normal.  But Jody’s call had taken some of his guilt away.  Had broken through his depressive bubble.  His information had been useful and could stop Alistair forever.  But it did not take away all his guilt.  Because maybe he could have stopped Alistair sooner before Kevin had been hurt.  

Cas joined in on Dean’s next session with Benny.  It was not as couples-therapy, instead Benny taught them how to handle Dean’s panic-attacks and what to do when Dean withdrew.   

“It is a defense-mechanism,” the therapist explained when Dean described his days of nothingness. Dean was pretty sure that they had discussed this before, but he not remembered it entirely. “When you experience trauma and your emotions become too much for you, too difficult to handle, the mind shuts down to protect itself. And in acute high-stress, traumatic situations it is a very useful, protective coping mechanism.  But it’s meant to be short term.  Ultimately, in order to move forward and heal you have to deal with the emotions associated with your trauma.”  

“And while I know how frustrating it is Castiel, your unconditional support is helping Dean.  Many couples find that it helps to keep distracted so emotions don’t become overwhelming.  Going out for dinner, watching a movie, or just a nightly walk may be a helpful distraction.  It may also help give Dean some perspective.  Get out of his head so to speak.  Instead of talking while being at home, it is often easier while walking.” 

During Benny’s speech to Cas, Dean had leaned against his alpha in a silent show of agreement.  Dean was not afraid of displaying his affection for his alpha in front of his therapist. Being Castiel’s was something he was proud of now and their love gave him joy and purpose.  He just needed to make sure Cas knew that. 

  

It was not that Dean’s days were rosy and perfect from there on out, but getting through his days was easier, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  At the least he could feel things again.  Dean knew he had done what he could to get Alistair caught and convicted. He still blamed himself for being too late with his information, but what was done was done, and it would not change a thing by thinking about it.  

Bobby let him return to work the week after Jody’s phone call. Dean was glad, needing the distraction of work, of an engine coming apart in his hands, of fixing broken things. 

As his days got better though, his nights got worse.  His nightmares increased, emotions he had long supressed rising to the surface. It was now almost a nightly occurrence for Dean to wake up shaking, sweating and hyperventilating. Cas was usually awake before Dean was, able to smell the omega’s sickening scent of fear and distress.  

_Cas and Sam in the car, dead in the backseat. Blood everywhere. He could taste the metallic, bile rising in his throat. His dad in the driver’s seat. Dean in the car who had hit theirs. Looking onto the carnage he had caused.  Smelling the alcohol seeping through his pores. He had killed his family. He was alone. They were dead because of him, and he was all alone._  

_Alistair ordering him to stay. He did. It was not him bound to the bed anymore. It was Sam. Alistair ordering him to do to Sammy what had been done to him. He refused. Instead he was forced to watch, forced to listen as Alistair tortured his brother. “Do you see Dean?” Alistair mocked “If you had just done as I said, if you had been a good omega, Sam would be alive.” And Dean looked, for the first time_ seeing  _the amount of blood, how Sam now lied completely still and silent._  

_His dad handing him a heavy plastic-bag, the handles almost ripping from the weight. “Be careful. It is your brother in there.” And Dean did not want to look, but he had too. It could not be Sam. It just could not. But it was. Somehow it was Sam down there in pieces. “This is your fault Dean.  If you had been a better brother, had taken care of Sammy, he would still be alive.”  Dean screamed._  

_Cas was dying. Dean had a scalpel in his hand. “Come on Dean. You are the only one who can save him.” John’s voice told him. “Come on. If you were good enough, you could save him.” And as Dean cut into the skin of his alpha, John laughed._   _He woke before knowing if Cas made it. He most likely didn’t._

Neither man got much sleep. Dean was so exhausted that Bobby made him nap in the shop’s breakroom more than once, not daring to let him behind the wheel of his baby.  

Things were confusing and there were times when the omega did not feel like he was right in his head.  But he was feeling things and he was talking about his feelings.  Which according to Benny was a good thing. Dean did not know if he agreed.  Benny had scheduled him to start coming in twice a week after he gave his initial statement to Jody.  The increased visits continued when he had told Benny about his nightmares and their content. So Dean did talk to his therapist no matter how much he dreaded doing so and it did help.  Rationally he knew that, could feel it, but it was still anything but fun.   

“This is not helping my nightmares.” Dean grumbled one session, curling his leg up underneath him, as he sat on Benny’s sofa. He had taken of his shoes for the added comfort. 

“I know. Sorry Dean.” Benny said, a weak, apologetic smile playing around his lips. “I know the nightmares are taking a physical toll on you, but your sub consciousness has a lot of things to sort through. Talking with the police, talking with me, makes all of that come forward. Your conscious mind does not want to think about it, which is why you dream instead.”  

“So when is it going to stop?” 

“When you have worked through the emotions connected to your traumas the nightmares should lessen.” Benny promised.  That sounded suspiciously like what Cas had said about his bedwetting. That it was a problem for a reason and that the reason needed to be talked about to be resolved. Dean knew they were right but still found their being in agreement annoying. 

  

Dean had not been in the mood for celebrating his birthday so it had only been him, Cas and Sam together for a Star Wars marathon. Sam cooked and actually made something edible.  And each man gave Dean a small, thoughtful gift.  It had been a good day, followed by a more good days and more importantly, few restful nights of sleep.  It was barely a surprise when his heat hit shortly after.  It was late, but his body recognized that he had not been physically ready to have it on time.  

The third day into his heat, Jody called:  _“We got him Dean! We fucking nailed that motherfucker!”_   

His knees felt wobbly and he was glad that a pair of strong alpha arms held him upright.  

“You got him?” He repeated, voice rasping. He could not believe that it was actually true.  Relief washed over him. It was over.  

_“Hell yes we did!” Jody confirmed, her pride and happiness easy to hear._  

“Good. Make him pay.” He told her.  

_“Is it possible for you to come in and ID him in a suspect-line up? It is really just a formality. There is more than enough evidence to get him convicted without it.”_  

“Now is not a good time Jody.” Dean gently informed her. “Ugh. I am in heat.” He added, knowing that she would understand why he could not possibly leave. No matter how important it was to him to make sure Alistair was brought to justice, he had no desire to be near him when in heat.  

_“Oh.” The police officer answered. “Well, see you in a few days. Enjoy yourself, you deserve that.” Dean could hear her smile_.  

“Take care.” Dean answered, ending the call before kissing his mate-to-be.  

“You will have to drive me to the station again in a few days.”  

“You do know that I can hear everything when we stand this close?” Cas whispered against his ear. 

“Yeah. You also heard her say that I should enjoy myself?” Dean purred in response. “So what are you going to do, you big, sexy alpha, to make this enjoyable for me?”  Needless to say Cas was up to the challenge.  Cas’ presence and knowing that Alistair was unable to hurt him or anyone else ever again made this the most enjoyable heat of Dean’s life. 

  

Afterwards, Dean was indeed able to identify Alistair. Though the man had aged in the last seven years, it was not difficult for Dean to see past the extra wrinkles and thinning hairline.  Alistair’s  brown eyes were just as cold and lifeless as they had been back then. His scent had not changed in slightest either.  When presented with samples of alpha scents, Dean had no problem picking out the scent that belonged to the demon who had tortured him for so long.  

It took a while for him to calm down, sitting outside the line up room and breathing deeply with Cas on one side and Jody on the other.  

“I cannot thank you enough for coming forward Dean. Thanks to you the other survivors have done so too, their stories very similar to yours.” She told him, smiling gently. “He will never be able to hurt another omega again.”  

As he slowly stood, leaning into Cas, Dean looked out the window as the sun was slowly setting over the station’s parking lot.  Dean was not happy, not yet he amended to himself, but he was relieved.  Knowing that Alistair could never touch him again, never be a threat to his loved ones would help take the edge off his nightmares. He knew that time in Alistair’s cellar would never be real again, for any omega, and he was grateful.  

Maybe he wanted kids too, now that there was one less motherfucker who could hurt them. He was Dean-Fucking-Winchester, dammit.  Maybe someday.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are well!   
> I am considering turning this into a series or verse what do you guys think about that?


	27. Finally free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of weight is lifted of Deans shoulders, so he decided on doing somethign special to celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the great support in regard of turning this into a series. I am already working on the second chapter to the sequel, which I hope that all of you will enjoy as well!

Months passed after Alistair's arrest. Dean continued to see Benny, continued to get better. It was a slow process with occasional setbacks that the omega grew to despise, but he could feel he was making progress.  Dean had more happy days than sad, a lot less nightmares, and no bedwetting episodes at all.  He actually started to look forward to things, seeing the future as something positive.  

Alistair had not only been arrested, but had gone to trial for the kidnapping and assault of Kevin and found guilty.  He had been sentenced to life in prison.  Charges against Alistair were also still pending.  Several murders as well as some older rape-cases were tied to him due to DNA evidence and scent identification.  It was expected that more years would be added onto Alistair’s lifetime sentence which meant that he would have no chance for parole and would die in jail.  Dean and his family had celebrated when Jody, who he now considered a friend, gave them that news.   He would testify if he needed to,  but Jody was pretty confident Alistair would just plead guilty to the additional charges in order to avoid the death penalty.   Not that a lifetime in prison was any easier for the demon.  Dean had also felt secretly pleased when Jody reported, during one of their frequent coffee dates, that Alistair was now in 24-hour solitary confinement because he was targeted in general population by the other inmates for his crimes.  Apparently,  hardened criminals thought omega rapists were just as vile and in need of a beat down as child rapists.   Ultimately,   Dean just hoped that the national coverage of Alistair's trial would lead to better police response to omega crimes.  There was already public outcry for mandatory police gender sensitivity training as well as revisement of laws regarding heat rape.  If anything it would now be easier for omegas to report their rapes and be taken seriously.   

Helping to bring Alistair to justice also helped Dean realize he no longer needed to punish himself.  He kept up his twice weekly appointments with Benny, finally dealing with years of repressed emotions and self hurt.  As Dean grew stronger and more confident, he was able to quiet that voice in his head, the one that sounded a lot like his Dad.  He was no longer ashamed for being an omega or being in a relationship with a man. 

 

Soon though another issue became the focus of Dean's therapy sessions.  Another heat had passed and although it was enjoyable he still had not had sex with Cas.  Not that Cas was pressuring him to have sex.  No,  it was just the opposite.  It was Dean who was growing impatient with himself.  His heart wanted it.  His body wanted it.  There was just that little nagging voice in the back of his mind which kept protesting.  Which kept reminding Dean of all the pain and fear he experienced the first time he had sex, especially when he was penetrated and knotted.   

He discussed his reluctance to have sex, in embarrassing detail, over many therapy sessions with Benny, who helped him separate his past fears with his current feelings for Cas, while assuring him the first time was nerve racking for everyone.   

Dean scoffed initially at Benny's use of the term 'first time'.  He was at the opposite side of the sexual experience spectrum.  A whore.  Used,  dirty.  To Dean's not complete surprise, Benny disagreed.  And so did Cas when he mentioned the discussion when he got home.  Being raped did not count as having sex in Castiel’s world view. Nor did it make Dean in any way a whore even if his body had responded while in heat. He also disagreed that he would not be Dean's first because to Cas his omega was a virgin.  He had even given Dean a long, impassioned speech about the differences between consensual sex between two people in love and rape.  And Dean had thought about it and discussed it again with Benny.  Dammit,  he had even sent out an opinion survey to the support group.  And all his online friends were of the same opinion as Cas.  The first time you had sex with a partner you loved was your first time.   

 

When Dean finally started to understand, to accept that having sex with Cas would be nothing like his experience with Alistair, he felt he was ready.   

So one Saturday, instead of their usual movie night, Dean made other plans.  Maybe he researched online what to do to make your first time romantic and special.  Or maybe not.  He had erased his browser history so no one would ever know what he had googled. He had learned to do that after living in close quarters with a nosy, little brother. 

Cas was doing inventory at the shop, so it left Dean plenty of time to prepare.  He grilled steaks and paired them with baked potatoes and a salad.  Dean bought a good quality wine to pair with the meal and set the table with their better dishes and candles he borrowed from Jess and Sam.  While the steaks stayed warm in the oven, Dean’s preparations continued in the bedroom.  He changed the bed sheets and turned down the comforter invitingly, placing a small bottle of artificial slick under the pillow.  The lube seemed like a fucking stupid thing to do (hello omega!), but Benny recommended using it to minimize discomfort during penetration.  He turned his bedside lamp on, covering the shade with a light scarf.  A romantic lighting tip from Jessica.  The lamp now cast a soft, golden glow over the room.  Lastly,  Dean prepared himself.  He took a long shower, making sure he was clean and well-smelling for his alpha and then dressed nicely forgoing his usual attire of jeans and band t-shirt.    

Cas seemed a little confused when he opened the front door, eyes taking in the candlelight dinner waiting for him and Dean smiling nervously in a new, almost dressy outfit.  The button down green shirt made his eyes pop according to Charlie who helped him shop for the outfit.  But then again,  Dean thought nervously, Charlie was lesbian so what did she know about men looking good?  ‘Fuck', Dean realized, the only person in the world who wasn’t involved in helping plan their perfect evening was the man now standing in front of him.  Blushing to the roots of his hair, Dean managed to get even more nervous as Cas just looked more confused.  

"Hello Dean" the alpha said with a big, gummy smile and in a moment all Dean’s nervousness and doubt disappeared. It was Cas. The alpha he loved and trusted with his life.  Taking a deep breath and smiling back, Dean took Cas by the hand and led him to his chair. 

They ate in relative silence, smiling over their forks, hands touching as they passed food or shared bites, feet interlocked under the table. Dean was hyperaware of what he had planned for after dinner. He barely tasted the steaks or the wine, making sure not to drink too much. The gentle buzz of wine helped him relax, but he did not want to be drunk for their first time together.  

 

After dinner, the alpha let the omega take the lead and Dean took his hand again, pulling Cas into their bedroom. They had discussed their mating so often that it almost felt like it had already happened.  But the soft,  unbroken skin on the omega’s neck told a different story. 

Pushing Cas against the bedroom wall, Dean kissed him hard.  He had imagined how this would happen so many times today. He had been a wreck of want and nerves while waiting for his alpha to come home.  Now that Cas was finally in Dean’s arms, he did not hesitate or waste time.  

Cas’ lips spread willingly when Dean slowly licked along them, letting the alpha know that he wanted in. Their kisses grew from gentle to hungry and rough, the omega pinning his alpha, still in the lead.  Slowly Dean sucked Castiel’s lower lip in, drawing out a broken moan from him.  

Next he kissed and nipped his way down the alpha’s throat, Cas’ breath halting for a moment when Dean teasingly bit down on his neck where the mating bite would go.  At the same time the omega’s lips were kissing his alpha, his hands were snapping open the buttons of Cas’ white, work shirt.  Dean got the shirt off, admiring the lean runners-body before him, fingers tracing down Castiel’s torso before lurching forward for another heated kiss.  

The alpha started to open Dean’s shirt, but only managed one button before the omega had him pinned again. Groaning in frustration, the alpha tried to line up their erections, needing friction. Hell, he was on the edge of popping a knot in his pants like a teenager, Dean turning him on like no one else. 

It seemed the omega understood his wordless pleas.  Castiel’s belt was unbuckled, his pants and boxers yanked down to his knees. With a teasing glint in his eyes, Dean kissed his way down to the proud erection, paying special attention to the alpha’s nipples on his way.  

“You are such a tease.” Cas growled, when Dean, now kneeling before him, planted soft kisses along his length.  

“Mhmm.” Dean agreed, gently flicking his tongue along Cas’ cock, before taking the head in his mouth for just a moment before pulling off. “Tell me what you want alpha. I may just grant you your wish.” Dean promised, the movement of his lips teasing at Cas’ erection.   

“You.” The alpha admitted. “I want you so badly. I have wanted you for years.”  

“Is that so?” He took the hard cock in his mouth again, swallowing him down as far as he could go without his gag-reflex going nuts. Knowing what it did to his alpha, Dean looked up with Cas’ cock still in his mouth, letting his green eyes meet blue, as he hollowed his cheeks and slowly sucked. Castiel’s pupils were blown, barely any blue left as he looked down on Dean, lips slightly parted.   Groaning, Cas’ knees buckled and he slumped back on the wall, holding on to it as if it was the only reason he was still standing. 

Dean showed mercy and pulled off Cas’s cock again, giving it one last kiss before kissing, nipping and licking his way back up the alpha’s body as he stood.  Stopping with a quick kiss to Cas’ lips, Dean led his alpha to their bed. Cas complied willingly, sitting down at the foot of the bed, his blue eyes never leaving Dean. His breathing was ragged, his cock jutting proudly against his belly, the scent of his arousal thick and enticing to the omega. With a swift movement Dean turned on their iPod (yes, he had made a playlist), soft music filling the room. Moving his hips to the music, in what he hoped was a sensual way, Dean started stripping.  Cas’ eyes never left him, following his hands as  he removed his shirt, belt and pants. Lastly, he turned his back to the alpha, showing him his slick soaked boxers as he slowly edged them down exposing his backside.  Cas groaned in relief at the sight and scent of turned on omega.   

Now completely naked Dean crawled past Cas and laid down on the bed, closing his eyes he spread his legs just enough for the alpha to know what he wanted. They had gotten so close so many times, Dean’s anxiety always getting the better of him.  But Dean was done with being afraid.  He was done with waiting. He wanted Cas and wanted to have sex with Cas so, so badly.  

He felt his alpha move along side him, kissing softly along his neck 

“Are you sure?” Cas whispered against Dean’s ear.  

“Yes.” 

  

“Use your safeword if you need to.” The alpha reminded him, before kissing him passionately.  Lust was pulsing through Dean’s veins as he returned the kiss, spreading his legs wider as Cas moved in between them.  He could feel his alpha’s erection against his leg as they continued kissing, Dean’s ass clenching in need.  Never before had his body felt so  _empty_.  

“Please Cas. I want you.  I want you to be my first.” He whispered against the soft, chapped lips of his soon-to-be-mate. The alpha did not need further encouragement, instead he moved a little for better access to his omega’s hole.  Slick coated the omega’s ass and thighs, but Cas added additional artificial slick to his fingers as he slowly teased Dean’s rim then slid one finger into his omega.  Dean moaned in need, that one finger not nearly enough.  Cas responded, adding a second finger, then a third, slowly, too fucking slowly, opening him up.  Months of practice leading up to this moment made Cas an expert in foreplay.  He nailed Dean’s prostate until he was panting and achingly hard.   

“Please Cas.” Dean choked out. 

Cas pulled out his fingers and got to his knees, Dean’s thighs over his, the tip of his cock aimed against Dean’s ready entrance.  

“Dean are you sure?” Cas asked again, trembling in his effort to hold still. 

“Yes, alpha” Dean replied with a small smile. 

Breathing evenly, almost in tandem with his alpha, Dean forced his body to relax as Cas slowly penetrated him.   

It was more of a burning sensation and less of a painful one. Dean could feel his body opening up, as if he was made to take his alpha.  Cas slid deeper and deeper into him, until his pelvis was finally bracketed within his, Cas’ balls resting against his ass. He felt so fucking full.  

“God Cas.” He panted. They shared a few sweet kisses, the alpha giving him time to adjust. “Need you. Need to really feel you.”  

Castiel’s first few thrusts were tentative, the burning sensation returning in full force, discomfort evident on Dean’s face.  It was still a far cry from painful though, so he encouraged his alpha to continue.  Castiel readjusted, lifting one of Dean’s legs higher with his arm, slightly tilting him.  The move was fruitful, as Cas’ cock found his sweet spot again, the unexpected brush against his prostate making Dean’s hips jerk up off the bed, a surprised cry escaping his lips.  The alpha found his rhythm then, pounding into him with more force, making Dean lose himself in pleasure.   

“I am not going to last if you keep that up.” Dean informed his alpha, who responded with a smirk and continued anyway, the head of his dick hitting against his prostate again and again.  

“You sure?” Dean heard the broken voice of his lover and felt the increased pressure around his rim.  Cas’ knot was about to catch and at that point there would be no going back. Dean raised his hips up to draw in more of  Cas’ length, letting him know that hell yes, he was sure.  

The alpha pulled out almost entirely before slamming back into Dean with renewed force, once, twice, before the knot caught Dean’s rim, locking them effectively together. Dean groaned loud as he felt the knot fill fully, the sensation just on the edge of painful.  Looking into Cas’ eyes he could see an edge of red now circling the blue, the inner alpha in control as he leaned forward, biting down on Dean’s neck and drawing blood.  

The intense mixture of pleasure and pain sent the omega into an orgasm, his muscles clamping down onto Cas’ knot. Dean could feel the alpha coming inside him as he bared his own neck, silently asking Dean to return the bite.  It was not necessary for the bond to form, but it would let everyone know that Cas belonged to him, that they belonged to each other.  Dean was more than happy to sink his teeth into the soft flesh of his alpha’s neck. The metallic taste of blood filled Dean’s mouth as Cas collapsed on top of him.  

Twenty minutes later, the sated pair were still connected, Dean now laying on top of Cas, licking along the alpha’s newly formed mating bite.  His own bite a pleasant ache. 

Something had changed inside Dean and it was more than just knowing that Castiel was his mate.  He could feel it already too.  His senses were changing, making him even more sensitive and responsive to Castiel.  The same change would happen in his alpha. They were one now.  

Slowly he kissed his mate. 

Dean was happy.  

 


	28. You are getting old, Sammy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's birthday is getting closer, and Dean wants to give him the party he never had as a kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, getting this out on time was a close call. I managed to destroy my computer (apparently they do not enjoy coffee) so, eh.. Anyway, here we go with a piece of fluff!

Everyone had been so happy when Dean showed off his mating mark, wound still fresh.  Cause honestly, he really had shown it off, refusing to wear anything that could cover it, his leather jacket the only exception. Never had Dean been so proud to show the world that he belonged to someone, that he was marked. It meant that he had a place, someone who was his. That he had someone he loved more than anything and that person loved him back. 

Sam had been more than just thrilled when he saw Dean’s mating mark. Normally the younger Winchester refused to talk about anything in regards to sex, getting all flustered when the topic was brought up.  But even Sam admitted that he had never been so happy to have proof that his brother had a sex life.  

Charlie had out right squealed in pure happiness, while Bobby had been more subdued.  He just grumbled his congratulations, but the look in his eyes had been fond. 

 

“I was out Friday.”  

“Out?” The therapist tilted his head, piercing blue eyes on the omega.  Benny’s eyes were not unlike Castiel’s. The shade of blue was not the same, but the omega sometimes felt that they both could stare directly into his soul.   

“Yeah, you know, getting a beer with Sammy.” Dean elaborated, hands fidgeting in his lap.  God, even feeling as confident as he did, there were still things he did not feel he had the right to do as an omega.   Going out in public without an alpha by his side was one of those things. So he always went out with Sam (who at the least looked very alpha) or Cas. Never alone. He was working on it, but yeah. It was still a problem for him.  

“Yes?”  

“Well, there was this knot-head who decided to put hands on me, mating bite and all. He kept telling me that I was just a dumb omega-bitch who wanted it anyway. And. Uh. I turned around, and… I hit him Benny. I fucking hit that motherfucker. And I guess it is nothing to be proud of, but. Eh.”  _I sort of am_ , he finished in his head.  

Benny looked like he was on the verge of laughing. “You stood up for yourself.” Benny smiled towards him. “ That is definitely progress, even though I will say that hitting people in general can lead to some pretty bad situations. But I would have done the same thing if I had been in your shoes.”  

That was not entirely the reaction he had expected from the therapist, but hell, when had Benny ever responded as Dean expected him too?  

“Dean, I don’t let the voice in your head get away with being rude to you,” Benny continued.  “Why would I think it’s ok for an alpha to do so?”   

Dean pondered that, smiling slightly as he realized Benny’s main point.  Dean deserved to be treated with respect regardless of his gender.   

"And congratulations on the mating Dean." Benny added with a warm smile. "You have worked so hard to overcome your fears.  I could not be happier on your behalf." 

  

Walking home from his therapy session, hands in his pockets, Dean thought about Sam’s upcoming birthday.  Even though his stubborn, moose-headed brother insisted that he did not need a party or gifts, Dean wanted to do something special for him.  After their mom died celebrating birthdays or any holiday in a traditional manner had not really been an option.  Dad never seemed to remember dates and as they got older he simply said the boys didn’t need to be distracted by girly activities like cake baking or decorating.  Without money, Dean usually managed to give Sam gifts that were recycled hand-me-downs, stolen or made from scraps.  He could also charm the lady at the bakery down the street for day old muffins or rolls to hold a singular, celebratory candle (which Dean hid and reused for 7 birthdays straight).   His Dad often told him that he knew Dean would present as an omega simply from how much he mothered Sam.  While his Dad acted like this was a bad thing, Dean secretly preened.  Honestly, he was more of a parent to Sam then John ever was.  Who could blame the omega for desiring to spoil the living shit out of his brother now that he could?   

 _Is Sam anywhere nearby?_  He texted Jessica.  

The reply came just as he reached Cas’ coffee/book shop.  It was a detour from his direct route home, but he wanted good coffee and to see Cas and Charlie, two of his favorite people in the world. Dean still had no idea how Cas managed to make a store which sold coffee and second-hand books so successful, but he did.  He loved the combined soft smell of old, loved books and coffee. And he reckoned if he found peace in that combination, others would too. 

There were a few other customers in the store when Dean arrived, enjoying the silence and chance to read the worn books while enjoying a hot beverage or snack. After a quick kiss hello to his alpha, Dean found a free table with an outside view before looking at Jessica’s text. 

 _Nope, he is on campus. Why?_   

 _His birthday is around the corner, I wondered if you had made any plans for it?_   Dean quickly replied

 _No, not yet_  

 _I kinda wanna throw him a surprise party with everything included. Hell, I have wanted to do so for years. Figured that it was time now when i have a partner-in-crime?_  

 _Consider me you second in command_  

 _Already did. Any chance that you have time to meet up soon to discuss stuff?_  

 _Sure, how about tomorrow evening? Sam is having a meeting with his study-group._  

 _Perfect._  He replied, smiling to himself. He really liked Jessica.  

The familiar smell of Charlie warned him that his favorite red-head had arrived to take his order. “Hey Charlie, any chance there is pie on the menu?” He asked, sending her the smile he knew Cas had a hard time resisting. Who knew, maybe it worked on lesbian omega ladies too?  

Charlie just grinned and gave a thumbs up most likely already guessing what he was going to order.  When she returned it was with a slice of apple pie and a salted caramel-latte. He felt like a chick when drinking it, but the taste was just so good that he was addicted after his first sip.  

Cas smiled at him from behind the counter as he continued to fill orders, his mark peeking out over the collar of his work-shirt.   Dean sat back in contentment,  enjoying the view of his alpha.  He looked so competent.  How Cas could make expresso and lattes to perfection at the shop, but still found himself unable to make Dean’s coffee machine work was a mystery.  

  

Jessica agreed to meet him at Cas’ shop  the following evening.   Sam might be able to sniff out that they had been together, but mixing in the strange smells of the shop’s customers helped minimize the risk.  

“Soo..?” Jessica smiled towards him. Cas joined their table with coffee. After all he was pretty close to Sam too.   Especially now that they were related by mating.  Dean smiled, momentarily distracted by the thought. 

Refocusing Dean continued, “Well… I just really want to throw him a party. I know he dislikes big crowds and such, so I was thinking the three of us, Gabe, Charlie, Bobby, and some of his study-buddies?” Dean looked at Jessica a little uncertain if it was a good plan at all.  

“The guest list sounds perfect.  I will give you the list of Sam’s school friends who I know he would want there.  Gabriel is definitely invited especially if he brings the birthday cake. Sam refused to shut up about Gabe’s baking genius after Christmas.” 

“Anyway,” Jess continued looking thoughtful, “he is having an exam on his birthday, so he will most likely be too exhausted for more then a dinner party with close friends.”  

The pretty blonde sat up suddenly in her chair and focused on Dean. “Wait, do you want to cook dinner? Please tell me that you want to cook.  If you don’t that’s ok, we can have something catered.  But Sam constantly brags about how good your cooking is, how you took care of him and made sure he had healthy, home cooked meals when he was growing up.  And he would not shut up about your amazingly delicious Christmas dinner. I have been tortured with descriptions of good food for months.”  

She leaned back in her chair with a sigh and small smile, “I really wish I had been there.”  Sending a side-glance to Cas before looking at Dean and taking his hand in hers, “I wish Sam had told me about your Christmas plans earlier. No way in hell I would have missed it if I had known.  And if you’d have me, I’d love to come to dinner next Christmas.” 

“Of course your invited,” Dean replied squeezing Jess’ hand once before letting go.   He realized his eyes were tearing and he felt himself blush.  Looking down at the table to gather his thoughts, Dean could hear his alpha asking if Jessica needed a refill on her coffee.  Realizing Cas was buying him time to collect himself from a chick flick moment, Dean’s heart burst with pride.  He was so happy. 

“So, food that I will be happy to cook, an amazing Gabriel baked birthday cake, beer, wine, good company…sounds almost perfect.  We do need some ridiculous decorations though.  Sam needs something to complain about. And it won’t be my cooking.” Dean smirked.   

“Consider that taken care of, sir!” Jessica told him with a mock salute. Cas tilted his head to the side at the gesture, looking slightly confused.  

“You can be third in command.” Dean told him, which did nothing to make the alpha less confused.  

  

It turned out to be pretty damned easy to get Gabriel to make Sam’s birthday cake.  He simply asked.  Dean did however ban his brother-in-law from making a cake that was shaped as a penis, boobs, or any other gender specific body part or decorate the cake with any inappropriate body part decorations. Or any decoration that would imply a sexual act. Gabe had not been happy with the “restrictions on his artistic creativity”, but grudgingly agreed to them anyway.  

Jessica had told Sam to bring his friends  over to their apartment for a beer or two after their exam was over, telling him they would celebrate his birthday quietly another day.  

So after a text from Sam’s friend saying they were 5 minutes away, everything was ready.  The apartment was unusually dark, lights off and all curtains drawn. The cake was in Gabe’s arms, Cas quickly lightening the candles before both of them got into hiding with the rest of the guests in the living room.  Decorations hung down  from every surface and various embarrassing pictures of Sam as a child were taped to the walls.  As envisioned all of the guests were wearing gaudy hats and holding noisemakers and confetti.   

“Jeeess?” Sam called from the door, sounding confused. As he slowly entered the living room, only knocking over the coat rack on his way, Sam found the light switch.  As the lights came on,  Sam was greeted by all his guests as they jumped forward, yelling “surprise!” 

For a moment, Sam looked like he wanted to run the hell away, but then his face cracked into a wide grin as he took in the decorations, the lit cake, and most importantly the faces of the people he cared most about. His friends were laughing as well, as they showered him in confetti and began to sing a slightly off key rendition of the birthday song.   

“God guys, you really should not have done all of this.” Sam blushed, dragging a hand through his hair to get it out of his face just to have it quickly fall forward to cover his face again.  Dean, who knew him best, knew that Sam thought it was too much attention, too much about him.  

“Come on over and blow these candles out, bitch.”  

“Jerk.” But Sam came over anyway, greeting and thanking guests as he passed.  

Sam’s birthday party turned out as perfect as Dean hoped. Sam had some nice friends, Dean thought after he had talked with them. Even though most had been alphas, he had not once felt intimidated or scared. Quite the opposite actually, as each alpha turned out to be well-educated and easy to talk to.  None had berated him or dismissed his opinion simply because he was an omega. 

Dean was exhausted by the time they got home to their own apartment. Cas seemed like he could have taken a nap on the sidewalk on the way home if given a chance.  Neither did anything more but strip out of their clothes and crawl into bed.  They slept together naked now.  The skin to skin contact sometimes made it hard to keep their hands to themselves, but not tonight.  They curled into each other instinctively, Dean’s ear to Cas’ heart.   

Dean sighed in contentment as he listened to his alpha’s steady heartbeat.  He knew he would not have a nightmare tonight.  The day had been too perfect.  Nightmares were now a rare thing, usually triggered by something discussed in therapy and avoidable if he used his relaxation techniques.  Dean no longer worried that he would wake up in a panic, drenched in urine.  And unsurprisingly, getting full, restful nights of sleep made life for him and his alpha so much better.   

 

A happy text from Sam and a few pictures from Jessica ticked in during the night. Both of them slept too heavily to notice, but it did make Dean smile when he saw the texts the following day. There was a picture of him and Sam, wearing ridiculous hats and smiling like fools. He decided to get that one printed and framed, since he had few pictures of him and his brother where both of them looked truly happy. 

His brother texted that he had loved the party and the gifts.  Dean could ask for nothing more. Cas was still sleeping and had curled around Dean’s pillow when the omega had gotten out of bed.   Bending over, the omega slowly stroked his alpha’s dark hair before placing a gentle kiss to his forehead.   

It was going to be another good day.

 


	29. Thoughts about the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is starting to feel good about his secondary gender, embracing it even. But is everything really as rosy as it seems?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are slowly moving towards the end of the first part of this story. I am currently both working on the sequel and a oneshot from Sams POV. 
> 
> You are more than welcome to v[visit my TUMBLR here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deancebra)  
> and leave me ideas and suggestions if you have anything you would just love to have a oneshot about or included in the sequel. I may just use your idea!

During their time living together, Dean learned that he liked taking care of Cas.  It seemed silly, but little things, like ironing Cas’ work shirts or making sure he didn’t lose his keys, made him smile in pleasure.  Dean usually cooked dinner, but he really liked making lunch for Castiel.  He started making Cas' lunch after he noticed his alpha bought fast food or ate left over cakes from the shop.  Nothing that was very good or healthy.  Before the omega really noticed he was making Cas' lunch each day, buying groceries based on what Cas told him he enjoyed and packing everything neatly in a small, reusable container.  Dean even included small notes with the food sometimes.  Some included reminders, some were a random fact that Dean thought Cas might not know, and others were just sweet messages of love.  His dad would have berated him for acting girly or like Cas' wife.  Actually, he would have used words much worse than that.  But Dean shut down that voice in his head.  It didn't matter what his dad or anyone else thought.   Dean was an omega and he wanted to take care of his alpha – it was his job now that they had mated.  Besides the only opinions that mattered were his and Cas'.  And Cas digged his cooking and hell, it was not like it took him that much longer to throw together an extra sandwich.  As for the notes, the alpha really loved those too.  Or so he had told Dean, blushing after he showed him the first one now tucked safely in his wallet. So he had kept them coming.  Not every day, but once in a while when he knew Cas had long day planned or simply needed a reminder that Dean loved him.   

Thinking over all of the things he was able to do now that he was emotionally healthier, Dean realized how wonderful it felt to embrace his caretaking omega instincts, to not hide or be ashamed of what he was.  He was happy.  They were happy.  Since Sam’s birthday, his nightmares went from rare to none at all.  A bad day no longer sent him into a spiraling depression.  Dean had been able cut back to his sessions with Benny to just once a week.  He even became a mentor for the support group, welcoming and supporting new members and sharing his story.   Dean was beginning to think all of his insecurities were in the past. 

He had not even been watching the documentary, not really. It had simply been running in the background as he cleaned the living room.  

The documentary had been about the negative side effects of heat suppressants. Most of the program had just been omegas complaining about the normal side-effects. Hell, Dean had been through the entire nausea-throwing-up-deal himself, he knew that it sucked.  But if you had a good doctor, they should have informed you about the side effects and how to deal with them.  The program got serious though as it moved on to infertility. Dean found himself frozen in place, duster in his hand, looking at the screen with wide eyes.  

Slowly he sat down on the couch, eyes tearing up as he listened to omegas telling stories of how their fertility was affected by the hormones in the suppressants.  Some had issues conceiving, others never could, their reproductive system not even able to support an implanted, fertilized egg.  Most cried, knowing that they would never have children of their own.  A female omega spoke about going on suppressants after a heat rape in her early twenties.  Even though she had only been on suppressants a few years and had natural heats after stopping, her and her husband had been unable to conceive. 

Dean listened to her tell how she fought to get better after her rape, so she could one day find love and have children.  And how devastated she had been to find out the suppressants she was prescribed during her recovery made her infertile.  She  stated having her choice to have children taken away from her was like being raped all over again. 

Her story hit too close to home.  And for the first time in months Dean really cried. Fear of losing something he didn’t know he wanted so badly hit him hard.  What if Alistair had damaged him beyond repair?  What if his hormones were messed up due to suppressants? After his hospitalization, the doctor refused to prescribe him more suppressants because his blood values were so fucked up. What if the damage was already done? What if Cas left him because he could not have kids? 

It took him the rest of the program and pretty much every relaxation technique he knew to get his breathing even.  He stopped crying, or at least ugly crying, almost an hour later. 

Then, hands shaking, he picked up the phone and called his doctor and scheduled an appointment for the following week. He knew Bobby would give him time off for it.  

Dean did not tell Cas about his fears when his alpha arrived home, tired after a long day on work. He did not mention that he had booked an appointment with his doctor either. If there was anything to worry about he would share it with Cas. But he really, really did not want to worry his love unnecessarily.   

Benny asked him about his pensiveness when they had their usual Monday session and Dean broke down and told him everything.  It was the day before Dean’s appointment and he still hadn’t talked to his alpha. 

“I am sure that he has noticed that something is off with you anyway Dean. And he worries about it. He will smell your unhappiness, feel and see your worry.… But he doesn’t know the reason for it.” The therapist told him.  

Dean had not thought about it that way. That Cas would sense his distress and be worried and even more so because Dean wouldn’t talk to him about it. God. Maybe Cas worried that Dean somehow had regretted them mating. Cas had not directly asked what was wrong, but he had asked if Dean was alright, if he had had a good day, stuff like that.  By trying to protect Cas, Dean was hurting him. 

So when Cas arrived home that evening, Dean started talking.  

“I am sorry Cas.” He mumbled, arms filled with alpha.  

“What for?”  

“I should have talked with you like a week ago. I am sorry for worrying you.” Dean elaborated, slowly withdrawing from Cas so that he could see his mate. “I just… I did not want to worry you, but I guess I did a piss poor job at that, huh?”  

The alpha did not answer, instead tilted his head to encourage the omega to continue.  

“I saw this documentary about omegas on suppressants and side-effects and infertility. And I got scared. I still don’t know if I want kids, but I sure as hell want the choice. And the doctor wouldn’t put me back on suppressants because my values were so screwed up, so what if its already too late?  What if that means that we can never have children Cas?  What if we no longer have a choice?”  Dean paused, closing his eyes to try to hold back his tears.  The thought of not being able to have kids scared the shit out of him. On the other hand, having them scared him too. After all he risked being just as shitty a dad as his own had been.  

“I have a meeting with my doctor tomorrow. And I… uh, I hope to find out if having a family is a possibility at some point. I am sorry. I should really have talked with you, but I really did not want to worry you.”  

“Hey, look at me Dean.” Cas gently said, stroking his chin with strong fingers. “It will be alright. No matter what the bloodwork says, okay? If we cannot have kids the natural way, we can adopt, okay? We can foster. There are options no matter what.”  

After they talked, it was not really a surprise to Dean that his alpha insisted he accompany him to his doctor appointment.  They left the house hand in hand together the following morning.  It would have been a beautiful morning, one he would have enjoyed with his alpha, if Dean had not been so worried. 

They were escorted into an exam room just moments after arriving at his doctor’s office.   

Dr. Donna Hanscum had been Dean’s doctor since he moved out on his own.  She was a beta and obviously female which had been necessary requirements for Dean after his rape.  She insisted Dean call her Donna at their first appointment and over time they had developed a friendly rapport.   He saw her for his biannual wellness exams which had been required if he wanted his suppressant prescription refilled.   And although she had been the first to advise him against long term suppressant use, she respected his right to chose.   

Donna had been notified about his hospitalization and had even called twice to schedule a follow up appointment, but Dean had ignored her calls.  He was paying for that now as she insisted on a full history and physical.  She looked surprised, but proud when Dean told her that he was going to therapy.  And understanding dawned in her eyes as he introduced his new alpha mate.   

“That’s a lot of change Dean, but all of it is very positive. I can understand your worries given your injuries from the rape and your long term suppressant use, so let’s get right to the examination.” 

She had him pee in a cup, took about 18 quarts of blood, and even insisted on an ultrasound.  

“We will know for sure when I have all your blood tests back, but based on your hormonal levels and the ultrasound there should be absolutely nothing hindering you guys from getting pregnant.” Donna told him, gentle smile around her lips. “Everything is normal and given that your heats are regular, I would say not to worry. Nothing indicates that there is anything stopping you from conceiving.”  

Dean could not remember the last time he had felt so relieved.  Alistair being arrested had not really made him relieved, as such, not as the main feeling anyway.  

  

Walking home Dean and Cas held hands again, but the mood was now lighter.  

“So, does this mean that you want kids?” The alpha asked, eyes on Dean.  

“Yeah. I think so.” He slowly admitted, not really ready to say it out loud. “Maybe not in my next heat, but… you know, I think I would like it. Even if I turn out to be a shitty father, they would have you and you are freaking awesome.”  

Cas made a small tsking sound before he started talking: “Well, I suppose you should ask Sam if he thinks you are horrible father material.”  

“Why?”  

“You raised him more than John ever did. From what he has told me about his childhood no kid could want a better dad than you.” Cas elaborated. 

 “Besides, if our fathers determine how well we are going to do, I will be a fuck up as well. I mean, which sort of father leaves their 12 year old in favor of screwing a model?” The anger was easy to hear in his alpha’s voice, still present after so many years.  But Dean figured, he had no right to judge.  They both had issues regarding their upbringings and neither one of them could talk to their fathers about it.  Dean’s dad was dead and Cas lost touch with his father after he left. 

“Well, I guess we know what not to do.” Dean sighed, looking at the blue sky.  

“Yeah.” Cas agreed, squeezing his hand gently. “And if we screw up I am pretty sure that our brothers would let us know in an instant.”  

The omega just laughed at that. Sam  would definitely make sure he was raising his kid right.  

They curled up against each other on the couch when they got back home, needing the comfort. 

“So, can we agree that you will voice your concerns in the future?” The alpha gently ran his fingers through his omega’s soft blond hair causing Dean to almost purr in enjoyment. He had grown really fond of the gentle scalp-massages that Cas gave him during their hours of mindless television watching. 

“Mhmm. I will try. I don’t like worrying you, you know?” 

“My job is to worry about you, stupid.” Cas said, his voice too fondly teasing for Dean to even consider that he meant anything bad by it.  

“And my job to keep you happy.” The omega gave back.  

“You would make me happy by talking about what troubles you.”  

“That is cheating.” Dean protested. “You cannot say that it will make you happy. That is unfair.” He did not sound like a child, not at all.  

“Do you want me to keep petting you?” Cas ruffled his hair as Dean nodded. “Then shut up and promise to tell me if anything concerns you in the future. No matter what.” 

“How am I supposed to promise something like that if I shut up?” Dean’s tone was too innocent.  

“Do I need to show you what I do with misbehaving omega brats?” Cas growled in a teasing manner.  This had become a game between them for some time, though it was mostly Dean showing the alpha the right way around. 

“Yeah.” Dean moaned as Cas manhandled him down beneath him, back against the couch.  

“I am not sure that you are allowed to go anywhere today. I cannot have such a brat walking around the streets. Who knows what you would do?” Soft lips kissed along his neck, sucking on his ear. “If I did not know better I would say that you enjoyed being punished.” Cas growled, the soft puffs of air against Dean’s ear sending shivers down his spine. His pants quickly got too tight around his groin as the alpha continued to tease him with gentle kisses and nips, never actually kissing him.  

Dean was panting and hard when his alpha finally gave in and let their lips met in a heated kiss. If the scent of aroused alpha had not been enough, Dean could feel Castiel’s erection against his thigh.   

“I should seriously be bratty more often.” Dean smirked before his alpha devoured his mouth once again. 


	30. Castiel and the dangers of amusement parks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Cas has never been to an amusement park. Never tried the rollercoasters or had candyfloss. Dean is going to change that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently trying to plan out which days to send out the last chapters, so that you will get the last of Please don't judge me and the first in the next part on Christmas eve! Danish time at the least :D  
> I know that none of you will have time to read there, but then there is something to do when you are trying to digest the ridicolous amounts of food.

Dean had wanted to do something nice for his alpha after their emotional week.  After Donna called to inform him that all of his blood work had returned and verified what she told him at his appointment – that his body was healthy – he wanted to celebrate.  As it turned out, there was a lot of things couples could do, but not very many that the omega actually thought sounded fun. 

He had tried coaxing the alpha into skydiving with him (Cas had refused promptly) or join him at a car race, preferably with either one of them behind the wheel. His lover had looked sick just by the mere thought of that so Dean had figured that they needed to start at something smaller, something gentler. But for the love of god, besides movie watching, Dean’s cooking, and being naked together they had very different hobbies and interests.  Where Dean liked speed and the smell of gasoline, Cas was more the quiet lets-read-a-book-under-a-tree type of person. No matter how much Dean loved his alpha, that just sounded like something they could do when they were 80 and halfway blind, and unable to drive cars anyway.  

So figuring out at date that both of them would enjoy, which was not just dinner and a movie, proved to be pretty difficult. Charlie came through for him in the end, letting Dean know that Cas had never been to an amusement park and talked about going to the one on the outskirts of the city. While Dean doubted that Cas would enjoy the wild rollercoasters, he figured that they could at least try out a few kiddie rides and eat cotton candy. So he told Cas not to have any plans that Sunday after checking that the park indeed was open.  

  

His alpha was sitting like a jittery kid on the passenger seat, constantly asking where they where going. Dean had refused to tell him, and he was not about to give in just because Cas had a mean puppy eye look that almost distracted him from the road.  

“Oh god.” Cas gasped as they turned down the dirtroad leading towards the amusement park.  

“My name is Dean, but I will forgive you this once.”  

Finding a parking spot turned out to be easier than Dean had anticipated. But then again they had arrived pretty early.  

“Come on, you big bad alpha!” Dean was all geared up and ready for the possibly most perfect day with his love, showing him all the wonders the amusement park held.  Dean purchased all access bands for both of them, ensuring they got to ride all the rides as many times as they wanted.    

“Bratty omega.” Cas growled back, letting Dean lead the way into the park.  

Since Dean knew that Cas had no idea what to expect from the park, he started with taking his alpha for a walk around, telling him a little about everything. As it turned out Cas found his inner child at the carousel, begging Dean for a ride, even after Dean had tried to explain that it was for  _children_.  

 

And that was pretty much how Dean Winchester found himself on the back of a pink unicorn (Cas had insisted that he looked irresistible) while his alpha made excited sounds from the back of a blue one.  

And while Cas started the ride out by whooping his excitement over the childish music, as they rode around and around, he began looking green and pale-ish. 

“That was fun.” Dean smirked teasingly towards his alpha as they got off the ride. 

“I feel like the earth is spinning around me.” Cas gulped, leaning on a fence.  

“I warned you.”  

“You warned me that we would look like children, not that the entire world would start spinning.” Cas argued.  

“True.” Dean shrugged, letting the dark haired man have a moment to breathe and get his equilibrium back.  

“So anything more you want to try, or are you willing to listen to my recommendations?” Dean asked, teasing smile making his green eyes sparkle with life.  

“You get to pick the next one.”  Cas admitted. “As long as it does not turn in a circle!”  

So Dean grabbed his alpha’s hand, no longer afraid of displaying public affection, and dragged his mate towards the bumper cars. They were his favorite ride at the amusement park and he hoped to get his alpha’s competitive side showing.  He knew that bumper cars did not drive very fast, but bumping into each other should be a lot of fun. 

“Are you ready to get your ass beaten into next week?” Dean challenged as they stood in the short que, waiting for their turn. 

“Like a bratty piece of omega could do that.” Cas returned, lifting his chin to send Dean what should have been a supercilious look. Then his blue eyes focused on the cars, driving wildly around and bumping into each other, accompanied by the loud whines and shrieks of kids enjoying themselves.  

“You are sure that this is safe, right?”  

“Yeah. We can take the first ride together if that makes you feel better about it.” Dean snickered, feeling just a little like he was talking to a five year old and not a fully grown alpha male.  

“I just don’t want you to get hurt when I crash into you.” Cas informed him, completely refusing to join Dean in a car when it got to be their turn. He even chose a car of different colour, placing him on the opposite team of Dean.  

Dean got the imitation of a seatbelt on, placed his hands on the steering wheel and a foot on the gas, ready to drive once the cars were turned on.  

An amusement park employee was helping Cas with the seatbelt. Dean laughed out loud as he heard his alpha swear about the ridiculously, unsafe design.  

The cars were turned on. A short glance towards his mate told him that Cas had yet to figure out that there was a gas pedal and that the electronic cars did not drive automatically. Instead the alpha seemed to be growling commands to his car. Whooping Dean steered his own around, putting all his weight into the speeder and drove towards the side of Castiel’s car.  

They smacked together with a loud thump, the sides of the cars reinforced with steel and rubber to ensure that no permanent damage was done.  

“You know, alpha, one would think that you knew how to drive a car.” Dean winked towards him, then spun the steering wheel hard, got free of Castiel’s car and drove away, knowing that as soon as the alpha got turned around, he would be after him.  

A quick look over his shoulder confirmed exactly that was happening. Cas had a very focused face, leaning slightly forward over the wheel of his bumper car as he chased a laughing Dean around the enclosed track.  

Dean was laughing out loud when their cars crashed together, Castiel whooping like he had won something by hitting Dean. 

“You are one slow alpha!” Dean challenged, getting his car free before Cas even had time to react, speeding away just to make a fast turn and drive directly into his alpha once again. “I fucking win! HA!” He proclaimed, watching how the blue eyed man turned serious, then cracked into one big smile.  

“Screw you Dean Winchester, I am going to hit you so hard that you cannot even fathom it!”  

“I am on board with that, but shouldn’t we wait until we get home?” He winked, driving off once again.  

They crashed together a few more times before the ride ended and in the end called it a tie. 

 

After a few more, non-spinning rides, they took a break to get lunch at an outdoor café, both of them enjoying sandwiches and iced coffee.  

“When we have kids, we have to take them to amusement parks. I cannot believe that I had to be grown up before I got to enjoy this.” Cas said, taking a bite of his sandwich, blue eyes thoughtful.  

“You haven’t even tried out half of what the park has to offer.” Dean pointed out with a gentle smile.  

“Exactly. Kids are just pretty much an excuse to come here more often then it would be appropriate for grownups. Do you think we could borrow children just for that purpose?”  

“I am pretty sure that no will notice if we are here a little more often than most.” Dean pointed out, though he did like the mental picture of them with kids playing in the park. “´sides, our kids cannot enjoy it the first few years anyway.” 

“Hm.” Cas agreed. 

They ate the rest of their sandwiches in comfortable silence, watching families walk by. Dean found himself smiling contentedly.  A year ago he would have said that it would never be him, walking around happily mated, possibly pregnant or with a kid on his hip, but there he was, somewhat on the way to exactly that. He smiled towards Cas, trying to put all his love in that one look.  

After lunch Dean talked Cas into taking a ride on a rollercoaster.  He let Cas chose the first one. Dean knew the coaster Cas chose was meant for younger teenagers, so there would be some speed to it, but no loops and only one free fall. But it was a start, he figured.  

The alpha whined (in what he insisted was a very appropriate and manly way) through most of the ride.  Dean let him have a few moments on the ground before coaxing him onto another roller coaster.  

“That looks freaking dangerous Dean. Are you sure that we won’t fall out or die or something?” Cas was standing with his head turned up, eyes following the looping path a car was taking on the coaster they were about to take.  

“They are safe sweetheart.”  

“Sweetheart?” 

“Yeah. Anyhow, they are maintained to ensure absolute safety. They are safer than driving the impala here was.” 

“But your car does not even have working seatbelts.” 

“Come on. It will be fun, I promise you. And who knows I may reward you for your bravery when we get home.” Dean sent his alpha what he hoped was a sexy and promising smile. 

Cas gave up on whining like a man, instead he straight out screamed and cried for most of the ride. Dean could see that his knees where wobbly when they got off, so he offered Cas a helping hand.  

“That. That was…” His alpha, usually so articulate was unable to find the words to describe his experience. 

“Excitingly terrifying?” Dean suggested, head tilted slighty.  

“Something like that. I feel like my heart has been misplaced in my chest cavity and that it is trying to beat its way back into place. And like I could run a marathon and not need to stop.” 

“That is called an adrenalin-rush.” Dean informed him with a smile, kissing him quickly on the lips.  

They enjoyed more rides and played some carnival games throughout the rest of the afternoon. His alpha proudly hugged the giant teddy bear Dean won him in his arms as they walked back to the impala.  It had been a very successful date, Cas had agreed to go back to the amusement park with Dean again soon, though he did refuse to ever ride the roller coaster again.   

Dean was hummed happily as he drove them home, considering healthy dinner options to counteract the cotton candy and fried twinkies they has snacked on.   

 

It had been a good day.  Another good day in a long line of good days Dean had since Cas had come into his life.  Eating dinner together, Dean came to a decision.  

“You.. Cas, I know that I said that I wanted to wait with that whole kids thing.” He swallowed, having his alpha’s full attention. “But… I kinda figured.. You know, that it may take a while anyway? That we won’t be better parents just because we wait half a year more or less. I just… I guess I want to ask you if you would be cool with me dumping my birth-control down the drain?” 

Castiel seemed unable to speak, just sat there opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to form words but was unable to.   

It took him a few moments.  

“I would be more than cool with that. But please do not flush your suppressants Dean. The fish could be damaged from the hormones.”  

Dean bent his head back and laughed. God, only Cas would think about the fucking fish when asked if he wanted to have kids! 

Cas smiled widely at him, face flushed, eyes bright. 

It occurred to Dean that he had never seen his alpha look as happy as he did in that moment.    

Maybe Cas had desired a family of his own for a while now?   Dean’s omega preened. He was going to give his alpha children. Hell, he wanted to give his alpha everything.  

Dinner forgotten, Dean reached for Cas, eager to start the baby making . 


	31. Yoga is for chicks, Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean goes for another date, though Dean is a little less satisfied with what his alpha has planned out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting near the end. Hope you are looking forward to the sequel as well :D

Inspired by Dean taking the initiative and planning their amusement park date, Cas decided to plan a date himself.  It wasn't necessarily a revenge date, but since Dean planned something out of his comfort zone, Cas wanted to do the same in return.   He had enjoyed himself at the amusement park, but mostly he had enjoyed being with Dean and seeing him so happy, almost child-like in his joy.   It had been a hard year for him and there were moments when he feared Dean would just give up, but the omega had somehow managed to pull through and endure.  The alpha could not be prouder to call Dean his.  Could not be prouder to have children with his mate – something he had only dreamed about when they first met.    

Dean had long complained to Cas about his interests, often teasing that they were unmanly or for grandpas.  Cas preferred introspective activities like reading and nature watching, while Dean preferred more exciting activities like car racing.  So when Cas had joined a yoga-class, Dean had upped his teasing about paying someone to teach you how to "stretch in place and take a nap".  Cas doubted that his omega had any idea how physically challenging yoga actually was or how relaxing meditation could be, but he fully intended to teach him that.  Besides there was a lot of benefits if both of them were flexible. He just had to show the omega exactly that. 

  

“I have the impala packed. Let’s go for a road trip.” Cas stated, looking into Dean’s green eyes which were sparkling with happiness, the freckles on his face even more visible after months of good weather. He was downright beautiful.  

The two of them drove for a few hours, music blasting and the windows down. Dean was singing along to the music, smiling widely as he did. The alpha doubted that he would have been as carefree if he knew what was awaiting them.  

“Turn down that road.” Cas pointed at a dirt road further out. He could almost hear Dean frown, but he made the turn as instructed and followed the road until it ended at the edge of a forest preserve. 

“I hope you put on good shoes.” Cas stated, holding a  backpack out to his omega, who took it with a confused look. What were they doing so far away from everything?  

They walked a trail for an hour or so until the forest path opened up to a lake.  Hand in hand they stood catching their breath, enjoying the amazing view.   The lake was large and surrounded by forest, no other people or man made elements in sight. Besides their breathing, the only sounds were those of nature, undisturbed in a way that could only be found so far away from the city.  

Cas had chosen the place partly for the privacy and partly for it's simple beauty.  

“Gabe used to take me out here.” He told Dean when they walked down the hill to the shore of the lake.   

Dean said nothing before as they stood in front of the lake.  

“So… What are we doing here?”  

Cas just smirked. 

  

Dean protested loudly when he found that Cas planned for them to do fucking yoga naked (naked!) on the shore, but the alpha refused to listen to any of his excuses.  

“I went to amusement park and rode the roller coaster for you. You should find yourself capable of getting naked with me.” He was smiling widely. “Look at the bright side. You can look at my naked ass in all sorts of weird positions.”  

Dean was indeed on board with that.  More than once the alpha caught him staring at his ass with hunger in the eyes.  So if getting to look at his ass was what it took to get Dean to try yoga with him, he was cool with it.  

After they stripped, Cas covered Dean in sunscreen, knowing that he tended to burn red as a lobster before he tanned. The alpha thoroughly enjoyed making sure every inch of his omega's skin was covered in the lotion.  He could feel Dean relaxing at his touch.   Dean's eyes were closed, he was smiling and outright purring once Cas was done.   He smelled of content omega.  Cas' favorite scent in the world.    

And that was how Cas got Dean fucking Winchester naked and doing yoga on the shore of a lake far from everything.  And Castiel enjoyed it.  Very, very much.   

Dean turned out to be a lot more flexible than Cas had anticipated (well, to be honest he had not even thought the omega could touch his own toes), and the alpha found himself getting a hard on just by the mere thought of all the bendy sex positions they could try out in the future.  Dean did not completely enjoy the experience though, complaining about how yoga was so much harder than he had thought it would be.  Cas may have included a few more rounds of plank than normal, but Dean would never know. 

They ended the yoga lesson by skinny dipping in the lake.  Once they had gotten out and dried off, Cas spread out a blanket for Dean to lay on as he covered him in sunscreen again.  Laying down beside him, Cas took a moment to simply enjoy the warmth of the sun, the scenery, and Dean.  His omega was the picture of relaxation, smiling as he sun bathed, hand on Cas' thigh.    

 “Have I ever told you about my first impression of you?” Cas asked. 

“No?” The green eyed omega answered, opening his eyes and looking at Cas.  

“Well, I was attracted to you at first glance, you know that. It was hard not to be; you are so beautiful, all smiles and sparkling eyes and life. And god, when you spoke to me the first time?  You were all fire and intelligence.  Opinionated.  I knew right then that I could fall in love with you.  

You took my breath away Dean Winchester the first day I met you and have every day since. ”   

Dean squirmed on the blanket, turning his now blushing face away from Cas.  Cas knew that his omega still had a hard time understanding what he saw in him. And while Dean had come a long way in a short time, it was likely that he would always struggle with a low self worth.  After all he spent his childhood being told he was worthless, would never be good enough, and when he presented as an omega the abuse escalated to include words like weak and faggot.  There were moments when Castiel wanted to raise John Winchester from the dead just to kill him again for the abuse he inflicted on his son. Sadly, he had no such abilities. 

“You know that I did not have any idea that I was in love with you? Not until that morning.” Dean slowly admitted, making Cas smile at him, knowing exactly which morning Dean talked about. Like he would ever forget it. The very day he had found his balls and asked Dean Winchester out on a date.    

They ate the picnic lunch Cas had brought then made out on the blanket, enjoying the quiet, the sun and each other for the remainder of that afternoon. Heading back to the car hand in hand, they both were tired but in a good mood.  

“Sometimes I wonder how I ever managed anything before I had you.” Dean admitted after they were in the impala. 

“You have had me for years Dean.  From the moment I met you.  And you will have me for the rest of our lives.” He promised, knowing in his heart that he would never leave his omega.  

“Yeah.” Dean smiled as he guided the impala slowly over the dirt road, windows down so that they could enjoy the last specks of sun.  

“One day we should camp out here. You know, watch the sun go down over the lake?” Cas suggested, leaning back in the seat, his blue eyes halfway closed.   

“You have some seriously weird ideas alpha.”  

“Maybe, but you got to admit that it would be romantic. We could even have bonfire with marshmallows and such?”  

“You are still weird.”  

“And you are still stuck with me.” Cas reminded him with a gentle smile. Dean did not say anything, but he looked satisfied.   His smell content.  Leaning back into the seat the alpha allowed himself to relax entirely.  They were still half an hour away from home when Dean turned down the music, deciding to talk instead. Cas had almost been asleep at that point.  

“You know alpha… I think you know pretty much everything about me and my past. Every damned shady detail." Dean stated.  It was true, Cas knew about his rape and over the last months, with Benny's support he had told Cas about his childhood abuse as well as the details surrounding his dad's drunk driving death.    

"And still you have not told me very much about yourself.” The omega's green eyes stayed on the road, hands firmly on the steering wheel.  

“I am not a very interesting man, Dean. Everything considered I had a normal childhood, I have been blessed in so many ways.” Cas tried to avoid the subject. He hated talking about his family, but he knew Dean had a right to know.  

“Do I ever get to meet the rest of your family?”  

Cas huffed. “Not if I have a say in that. Honestly Dean, you would not like them. My father is out of the picture, my mom is dead, and besides from Gabriel, my brothers are assbuts.”  

“Assbuts?” Dean repeated. Cas could tell the omega was trying not to laugh.  

“Yeah, assbuts. Michael, the oldest one, tried to get custody of me when dad left… Given how I turned out, I am glad that he did not. I was, thank god, old enough to have a say in that. And I liked Gabe better, which I may have pointed out a time or fifteen. Michael would not approve of how I live my life, and I firmly believe that I would have been miserable until I turned 18.” 

“How come?” 

“Well, first off I own a book and coffee shop, Dean.  And I work at the shop as a barista, something I love doing.  Michael would not have supported my career.  He would have wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor or some other high position, well paying executive role.  Secondly, I am gay in every definition of the word. I don’t give a shit about secondary genders, I am attracted to men, and men only. And honestly, I knew when I was twelve that I was gay and I knew that bringing home another boy would be bad.  Michael would have forced me to settle down, preferably with a nice omega-girl.”   

Cas continued, “Michael is very traditional, very protective of the Novak name.  Rafael is just an asshole to be honest.”  

“Your parents seriously have some weird ideas about appropriate names for children. Are all of you guys named after angels?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah, it's sort of a family-tradition. My cousins are too.”  He sighed. “So what I am trying to say is that they would not approve of you, solely because you are male.   But I do not want to bring you to a place where those assbuts would judge you or say something negative to hurt you.  You have had your share of that already.  Most of my family does not approve of me either, but I really don’t care about that any longer.  It hurt in the beginning, but over time and with therapy, I really came to understand that family is what you make it and real family loves you unconditionally."  

“So what, that makes you and Gabriel the only sane people in the family?” the omega asked trying to lighten the mood once again. 

“You could say that, even though I am pretty sure that we cannot be considered entirely sane.” 

Dean just laughed as a response, making Cas smile. Well, strictly speaking he felt pretty sure that Dean was not entirely sane either, after all the two of them made a pair.  

 Cas smiled towards his mate, kissing the back of the omega's hand which had unconsciously drifted into his during their talk .  "You are my family now Dean.  Sam, Gabe, Bobby, and all our friends too.  Trust me when I say that this is the family I want and the family I always dreamed of having."  

And Cas thought to himself silently, after Dean's next heat their family could be growing. 


	32. Because of rainbows, unicorns and fucking hormones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has figured out that being of birth control, with a mate and close to his heat has some interesting side-effects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, dunno about you ladies, but I have periods where I am abseloutly obsessed with babies and baby-things. Wiiiiich was slightly awkward when I was 16... I am guessing that some of you guys may know exactly how Dean feels in this chapter

Dean was really, really, really looking forward to his heat. From what he had read online, the heats after mating was supposed to awesome – often referred to as the "honeymoon heats" they were supposed to be more enjoyable than regular heats.  Heats with Cas, his  _boyfriend_ , had been great, no doubt there, but honestly, Dean was looking forward to his first heat with Cas, his  _mate_.  Or, mostly he was, because he was also realistic enough to know that it would suck sitting down for days after his heat ended. But hell, he was more than cool with that.  He was Dean fucking Winchester and the only reason he was looking forward to his heat was because of the mind blowing, honeymoon heat sex. 

Yup, that was the only reason. 

Dean was most definitely not looking forward to his heat because they had agreed Dean would stop taking his birth control.  Nope, not at all.  And Dean most definitely did not stand in front of their full length mirror, stomach (and cheeks) pushed out to try and imagine how he would look pregnant.  And Cas had sure as hell never walked in on him doing that either.  Cas had simply misunderstood what he had seen, but smiled so big and smelled so happy, that Dean did not want to correct his alpha.    

Nope, Dean was not looking forward to his heat because they were trying to have kids, because as Donna had told him catching on the first heat off birth control was very rare.  So Dean was keeping his excitement in check and concentrating on the sex.  Did you know that the first heat after mating was supposed to be awesome? 

  

“You know Charlie, this  _sucks._ ” Dean complained over coffee.  

“Yeah, believe me, I know.” She replied with a gentle, knowing smile. Omega to omega, he knew that she understood the stupid instinctual need to reproduce.  

“It was not really a problem on suppressants, you know? Or before, because everything was so fucked up. But now that I am well and happily mated, my entire body just screams for babies. Like those women in the bad Lifetime movies, who are obsessed and cannot tear their gaze away when they see an adorable baby?  The closest I had to that type feeling was my appreciation of classic cars, but I didn't feel envious of the car owner.  I didn't want to steal the car and make it mine.  Now just seeing someone pregnant or with small children makes me crazy.” He had a hard time not knocking his head against the table.  He did not feel like him, not really.  It felt like his omega side had completely taken over his body. 

“You are close to your heat, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I tend to get like that when I am close too. And right after it ends, where I sort of have an obsessive desire to pee on all the pregnancy tests I can put my hands on… I suppose it is just the hormones.”  

“After all, heats are meant for breeding.” she added with an apologetic shrug.  

“I think I liked it better when it was just the desire to fuck and not all this touchy-feely, baby making crap.” Dean complained, downing his coffee with a sigh. 

“I know. I feel like that too.  I try to cover by googling videos of cute animal babies because that is waaaay more socially acceptable than taking photos of other people's babies when you are riding the bus.” It sounded like the redhead had some personal experience with that. 

“And there is nothing else I can do?”  

“Get a hysterectomy?” She grimaced.  

“Not really an option either.”  

“But there are moments where it seem like the only option to get control back.”  

“Yeah.” He agreed, and ordered a round of chocolate mint pie for the two of them.  It was nice to talk to another omega about these things, because other genders didn't really understand.  Dean wished he had a Charlie to talk to growing up.  And even though she had no miracle cure against his I-want-a-baby-NOW feelings, she could commiserate.  

Walking home, Dean vowed to simply suck it up and get over it.  And then a male omega holding a sleeping baby passed by and Dean had to stop walking, close his eyes, and take a few deep breaths until they passed.  And more importantly, he waited until his urge to touch the baby, curl over it and coo had passed.  Yea,  not creepy at all.  

  

It was almost a relief when the oh-my-god-that-baby-is-so-cute-I-need-it was replaced by oh-my-god-I-really-need-a-good-fuck heat symptoms.  It was like years of reproductive longing had hit him in one week, and honestly, he could not be happier to just get fucked by Cas and forget about having children for a few days.  

Dean was at work when the first, mild heat symptoms hit.  He kept working.  Slowly other symptoms came creeping, but Dean ignored them also, hoping to finish the repairs to the car he was working on.  Finally Bobby, nose pinched between his fingers, grumpily ordered him to go home and stay there until his heat was done. For a good measure, Dean folded a towel onto the driver's seat, not wanting to ruin Baby's upholstery just because he was stubborn and ignored his heat symptoms for too long.  

_Come home. Right now._  He texted Cas before getting behind the wheel. He was not shaking with need yet, so driving was not a problem.  

It was however a problem to get out of the car once home and parked. All he wanted to do was wait for Cas to arrive and get screwed hard in the backseat. Since that might result in a fine for public indecency, after a few deep breaths and the fifth adjustment of his pants, Dean got out of the car and walked hurriedly to their apartment. He kept his head down and pace determined, hoping to avoid strangers.  He was so not in mood for catcalls or having to punch out dickhead alphas.  Apparently a mating mark did nothing to change some alphas feral response to an omega, leading Dean to believe that it has nothing to do with being alpha and a lot to do with being an asshole. 

He met no one on the short trip from the impala to the apartment. With the door closed and locked, he finally relaxed somewhat. Their home smelled like… well, them. Reacting by instinct he went to their bedroom, shedding his clothing as he walked, and sprawled face down on Cas' side of the bed, nose buried in Cas' pillow.  His alpha's scent was strong, relaxing and so fucking  _good_  that Dean almost couldn't wait for his alpha to come home before trying to get himself off.  

_I am going to start without you if you do not hurry up_ , he texted Cas. The need to be bred was boiling in his stomach, all hot and overpowering. A short glance at the mirror confirmed what he already knew, his cheeks, neck, and chest were flushed, his pupils dilated, and hell even if he couldn't see it in the mirror he could feel his slick leaking down his legs and pooling underneath him.  He wanted his alpha. Wanted to touch himself. Wanted a cock to penetrate him, knot him, and breed him up good. Why couldn’t his stupid alpha just hurry his ass the fuck up and get home already?   

Less than fifteen minutes later, Cas arrived home to find Dean with his ass in the air, slick running down his thighs as he fucked himself on his fingers, a broken moan escaping his mouth with every thrust.  At any other time, Dean would have been ashamed of his behavior, but he was too caught up in his heat to care.  

“About goddam time! Why are you still dressed?” Dean yelled at his alpha, fingers still thrusting in and out of his leaking hole.  Cas just growled, and hell if that did not result in more slick leaking out, Dean's hole ready for the alpha to penetrate.  Dean could almost taste the arousal coming from his alpha, their combined scents overpowering the room.  

Watching Cas tear off his clothing like a madman was possibly the single hottest thing Dean had ever seen. Neither gave a shit that he ruined the shirt he had been wearing.  

“So you thought you could start without me?” Cas growled possessively as he grabbed Dean's hand and placed it back on the bed, allowing Dean to now support himself on his hands and knees.   

“Got myself ready for you alpha.” He panted over his shoulder at Cas, spreading his thighs just a little bit more to make it obvious exactly how ready he was. Like Cas could have any doubt at that point.  

Cas got on his knees behind Dean, rubbing a hand up and down his spine, while his massive erection lay hot against his ass.  Normally, Cas would have included a bit of foreplay, making sure Dean was ready by prepping him with his fingers.  But not today and the omega could only moan gratefully as he felt Cas' massive, throbing dick spread his ass cheeks apart and press, filling up his hole in one long, non-stop glide.   

Never again would Dean be satisfied with his own fingers, not knowing that he could have this.   

“God Dean. So wet and needy for me.”  

“Only for you alpha.” He panted as the alpha started fucking him, downright pounding into him, hands holding his hips and pulling Dean back to meet each thrust.  Dean had learned that he actually quite liked it when Cas got all alpha-like, ceding controlled and being manhandled was a huge turn on for Dean.  

It took an embarrassingly short time before Dean was coming, all wet and white and sticky over their sheets, his dick untouched.  Dean's orgasm made the alpha follow,  Castiel’s knot popping and locking, broken moans and praises escaping his lips as he filled his omega with his seed.   Body hyperaware of his alpha, Dean could feel the cum pulsing inside of him, and hell if that was not satisfying in an entirely new way.  

Sated, limbs lax from their mutual orgasm, they slowly shifted down unto their sides.  Dean curled up tightly, back to his alpha's front, safe and comfortable within his embrace.  

“I feel like I might be a serious fan of mated heat sex.” He told his alpha, turning his head for a sweet and gentle kiss. 

“Good, me too.” Castiel agreed, kissing from the side of Dean's mouth, to his neck and shoulders, hands caressing his stomach.   An “I love you.” was gently whispered into Dean's ear before he drifted off, still locked effectively to his mate.   The omega felt good, his fever down from the knotting and hormonal release. 

When he woke up Dean was alone.  Groaning he sat up, remembering why he usually hated his heats.  He felt hungover and sore, the smell of alpha dulled under the smell of his fresh slick and arousal.  

Less than a moment passed before Cas pushed open the bedroom door with a gentle smile. “Food or sex?” 

“I am seriously torn. Can I eat while you fuck me?”  

“I don’t want you to choke.  Drink some water, then we can have fun.” replied his alpha with a smug smile. 

Dean managed to drink an entire bottle of water, Cas leaning forward to reward him with a kiss.   The kiss started out gentle, but soon turned rough and demanding.  The omega gasped against the chapped lips of his alpha, before pushing him down on his back, straddling him like a horse and riding him until his knot started to pop. The intense pleasure of being filled so deeply, knot catching at his rim, his sweet spot hit with every buck, sent Dean over the edge screaming Cas' name.   Dean collapsed against his alpha's chest as Cas thrust frantically up into him, chasing his own orgasm.   By clenching his hole, Dean brought his alpha to orgasm as his knot locked, enjoying how Cas writhed beneath him in pleasure.  

 

Needless to say that it turned out to be the best fucking heat of Dean's life.  Having Cas helped a great deal, Cas' instincts now fine-tuned to take care of his mate.  Just cuddling close, skin to skin, took the edge off a lot of Dean's heat aches and fever, but in turn if Cas simply left the room Dean just plain old ached.  And ultimately, a lot of sex in such a short period of time hurt, no matter how good it was. 

“God, I hope this is the last time Cas. I am so not sure that I am able to take anymore. It  _burns_.” Dean complained as they lay knotted together again hopefully for the last time.  

“I know. Believe me, I know.” Cas sighed.  

Dean could tell from Cas' voice that he was also in pain from the excessive amounts of heat sex.   And while they both loved sex, they were actually looking forward to having a few days of no sex.  Even the large quantities of slick he produced was not enough to prevent the soreness from constant knotting or the skin sensitivity from constant friction.  His ass felt raw and he bet Cas' cock felt the same.  Dean was glad that his heats were regular and came every three months.  He had heard about omegas with hormonal disturbances who got less breaks between heats, like a month or less.   Although Dean really wanted to have a baby and more frequent heats would mean an increased chance of pregnancy, he was not sure his body would recover and be ready for another heat in such a short span of time.   

Cas was lying behind him, one arm under Dean's head, the other one around his waist, hand slowly caressing his omega's stomach.  The alpha did not seem to be aware of his caresses although Dean noted he had consistently been doing it post-knotting for the entire heat.  Although both men knew the odds of getting pregnant their first attempt was low, it seemed not only Dean was thinking about it.   Hoping for it, at least subconsciously.   

The thought of telling his alpha he was pregnant and Cas's resulting joy made Dean smile, his smell changing from annoyed to content and happy.  His alpha nuzzled his neck and purred at the change in his omega's scent and mood.  Cas had once again proven to be an amazing, patient and perfect alpha. He had taken care of Dean, even though he was exhausted too, coaxing him into eating and drinking, letting him rest as much as possible.  Dean could not wish for a better mate.  He just hoped that one day he could gift his mate with a child.    


	33. The ford mustang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas worries and Dean gets really, really good at counting to 10 and then 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the last chapter of Please don't judge me

As Charlie had predicted, the urge to take a pregnancy test became almost obsessive. He knew his odds were low of getting pregnant and even if he did it would be too early to tell.  Even the stupid pregnancy test package instructions stated results were not precise until at least two weeks post procreation.  Not that it stopped Dean from looking at his body for any sign that something had changed. Not that it had, but who could blame him for hoping? 

Two weeks after his heat, Cas was just as eager for him pee on a stick.  He brought home 3 separate pregnancy tests for Dean to use, standing beside him in the bathroom to read the instructions.  Dean did not bother tell his alpha he already had a large stockpile of tests, just stood happily listening to his alpha’s voice as he selected the test to try first.  

Dean learned quickly that he was absolutely and completely unable to pee when there was someone in the bathroom with him. Instead Cas re-joined him only once the stick had gotten what it needed, both of them staring at it like they could will out a result faster.  

The first test came back negative. Unequivocally, negative.  The control line was there, so it was not broken, no matter how much Dean had wanted it to be.  

“It is early to test, the package says so.” Cas gently told him, holding him close. He seemed calmer than Dean felt, but the omega could easily tell that it was a façade. His alpha smelled nervous, upset and… well, pretty much the same as Dean felt, he just hid it better.  An acquaintance, heck even Sam, might not have noted Cas’ subtle signs of unhappiness, but Dean knew his love too well to be fooled.  

“It is. And hell, Donna said it is unlikely for us to get pregnant the first time anyway. My body probably needs a few cycles to adjust before anything happens.” 

“Yeah..” Cas agreed. He looked lost in thought for a moment. “Dean, what if it turns out that we can’t have kids because of me?  Would that change your feelings for me?”  

“Hey, easy there alpha. As you told me, everything will be alright anyway. We can always just adopt.” 

“But.. wouldn’t it make me less of a man in your mind?” 

Dean started laughing at his alpha’s joke.  The alpha looked perplexed and a bit hurt, his scent turning sour in response which immediately sobered Dean.  Cas was serious. 

He gently took his alpha’s face in his hands and looked him straight in the eye.  “I am so sorry I laughed Cas, but it just seemed so ridiculous to me, I thought you were joking.” 

“But since it really bothers you, my answer is no, it does not. Your manliness does not depend on your semen, what so ever. Would it make me less of an omega if I was unable to conceive and carry children?” He asked, one brow lifted in a challenge.  

“No… No of course not Dean, but you also have so many wonderful qualities besides your secondary gender.”  

“So do you, stupid alpha.” Cas looked at him, but also looked anything but convinced. “For one, you are horribly handsome. You could be dull and boring and I would still enjoy just sitting and admiring you.” 

The alpha huffed, looking mildly offended. “I am good at looking good?”  

“Have you read any of the notes I have given you? You are much more than your looks Cas. You are my everything. It is not without reason that I chose to mate you.” 

“Ever considered that you may simply be dumb as snot?” Cas suggested with a teasing glint in his eyes.  

“Nah. I know you have standards.” Dean answered, in that moment glancing down at the test again. A weak line had formed in the test-area, just barely there.  

“Cas..” He pointed at it, the blue eyes slowly moving from his eyes, down his arm and then, getting impossibly round as they hit the test.  

“But.. It is over the time they stated on the package?”  

“Yeah. But still. Maybe. I can take another tomorrow or later this week? I mean, maybe? You could pee on one, and if turns positive over time we know that it is a false, but if it does not? Then maybe?”  

And that was exactly how the alpha of the Winchester household found himself peeing on a fucking pregnancy test. He hoped for the love of god that it did not turn positive. For one he wanted to start a family so badly, but also he had read that if alpha males got a positive test, it could be because of prostate cancer. And he sure as hell had no desire to have that 

Then they continued to stare at tests. Deans continued to look stay weakly positive, whereas Castiel’s continued to be very negative.  

“That is the first and last time you  ever get me to pee on a stick.”  

Dean laughed. Even though he rationally knew that he could not count on the test result, given that it had went over time, he was fucking happy to a degree where he felt like he was floating. And he also knew, that he could under no fucking circumstances wait until the weekend to test again. It would be too many days. He was simply not that patient. 

  

So when Dean left for work, he was pretty damned happy. he had used the past few weeks on standard jobs, like checking oil, running mile-age check-ups and stuff like that. apparently, people thought that summer was the perfect time of the year for exactly that. Possibly because the weather was nice enough for them to either combine public transport with walking or riding their bikes.  

Needless to say, he was fed up with standard jobs. He missed the sensivity of an older car, missed the challenge in getting them tuned out and ready. So when he drove the impala into the parking lot and eyed the rusty frame of a classic ford mustang, possibly from 1967, his heart almost skipped a beat. Bobby had talked about them making a full restoration, having pictures from before, during and after the restoration would look good on their webpage.  

Charlie had suggested them getting a small blog when he told her about Bobby’s plans. Seemed that he would have to ask her about making that for them. Alternatively they could always get a fucking Facebook page.  

Bobby was busy with a costumer, and  Dean was still needing to shift out breaks on a car which had arrived yesterday. He had no idea how the owners had even thought it was a good idea to drive around in it, the brake pads all worn out. What made his heart clench was the kid-seats in the back. what kind of parent drew around in a car without functional brakes with their kids riding backseat.  _Dammit. I need to get the impala seatbelts._  He figured. No way in hell if he was going to let kids in the car if there weren’t. he was not like his dad. He wanted to be responsible, make sure that everyone in the car would be safe for children to ride in it. And adults, for that matter. Sure some charm would be lost, but to his surprise, he did not care.  

While shifting out the brake pads he checked that all cables connecting the brakes were in good condition as well. Everything seemed in order, except the fact that they had been so worn down.  

Bobby came out when Dean was almost finished replacing the second brake pad. 

“So,” his boss started, “I take that you saw the old mustang?”  

Dean made an agreeing sound from somewhere lower, head where the wheel would usually be.  

“Is it safe to assume that you would love to make that your project?” 

“Why do you even ask?”  

“It is polite.” 

“Charlie suggested that we should start a blog or have a facebook page where people could follow the restoration process.” Deans voice was strained as he fought with a stubborn nut. It just did not want to get tight enough. 

“The nerdy redhead from Christmas?” 

Dean made another agreeing sound from the back of his throat, suddenly hit by a wave of nausea. He stopped his work for a moment, breathing through it before moving out from under the car. He had been horizontal for too long and probably needed coffee.  

“Yeah, her. She said it would be good PR.” The nausea did not disappear, but getting out of the workshop and get some fresh air did a lot of good. Bobby joined him with coffee in his hand as well.  

“Seems that she knows a thing or two about computers.” 

“She does, among other things. She is the entire reason that Cass coffee shop is even alive. They sell those second-hand-books right? She has set up this search-portal where people can see all the books they have, order or reserve them or even put in requests for books that they need.” Dean sipped to his coffee.  

“And she thinks that people could be interested in reading about restoration of old cars?” 

“hell yeah. Do you ever watch television Bobby? There are programs about that.”  

“Not the right channels, obviously.” Bobby shrugged, gulping down his own coffee. Apparently the older man was immune to heat.  

“So does that mean that I am allowed to start a blog?”  

“Suit yourself kid.” Bobby told him, leaving Dean with the rusty old Mustang.  

The omega could not help but to open the hood, to his surprise seeing a motor in pretty decent shape. He had expected that to be in the same state as the rest of the car. Wires would still need replacement, no doubt about that, but she looked like she could get ready to drive. Closing the hood he nodded to himself, then resumed to enjoy the coffee. First he had to make the family-car safe to drive again, then he would have that lovely girl to play with for weeks to come.  

It took him the rest of the day to get the brakes safe. He was glad that he was more stubborn than the parts almost rusted together. For good measure he gave the parts a good coating of rust-protection, making sure that everything would run smoothly next time something where to be done. Then he assembled everything before putting the wheels back on, tightening everything once in a very particular order, then again to be sure that it was tight enough and that one of the wheels would not suddenly get loose and take off without the rest of the car.  

  

The test was still faintly positive when he arrived home. The other test still negative. He threw them out, but allowed himself a tiny bit of hope.  

Tuesday and Wednesday the tests still came back negative within the amount of time the package stated.  

Thursday he was almost convinced that he saw something before the time was up, but the line was first really visible several minutes after that. Friday he did not even bother to send Cas pictures with the “does this seem positive to you?” label. There was nothing new under the sun except that he had been nauseous around 10 each day. it was named morning sickness for a reason, so he wrote it off as something else. Coming down from his high hopes or whatever.  

Saturday Cas was in the shop, apparently a lot of costumers found that coffee, books, cake and relative silence where great against hangovers. Dean thought they were weird.   

Stick in pee, 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, stick up of pee. Cap on. Wait a minute, read result within five. Dean could it by heart at that point, and holy shit he was tired of counting to ten and then sixty. He wanted that stupid thing to show positive so bad that it almost hurt to think that it would most likely not do so for god-knew-how-many-times.  

Sighing he looked at the test-area after the sixty second where up. Then he looked. And looked again. Rubbed his eyes just to be sure that he was not somehow making up pink stripes in his mind (who, btw, had figured that pink was the perfect colour? Black tests would be so much more bad-ass). Because there were two. Two fucking lines. One a little weaker than the other, but it was still valid.  

Unable to believe it Dean took another test.  

Still positive.  

He put on the caps, taking them out and placing them on the dining table where he knew that Cas would see them once he arrived back home. Then he sat down and starred at them like he expected them to vanish into the thin air or that the lines would go away if he was not there to ensure that they did not.  

He was filled with emotions. Part of him was so happy that he wanted to run out on the street and scream to the world that he, Dean Winchester, was fucking pregnant. Part of him was nauseous again, and sure enough, the clock said 10.  

Part of him wanted to cry. He was not really sure why though.  

But mostly, he was just fucking scared. he had been drinking coffee like his life depended on it the past few days, had worked in fumes that was  _not_  healthy, he had even had a glass of wine the day before! In other words, he had known about his pregnancy for half an hour, and he had already screwed up.  

Dean called Donna, frantically asking her if he had already screwed over his kid by drinking too much caffeine. She calmed him down, ensuring him that the fetus wasn’t even attached to the walls of his uterus at that point. They also agreed on him coming in the following week to take a blood test and confirm it that way too and get his pregnancy journal started.  

  

Cas found him at the dining table when he arrived home. Dean had been too caught up in thoughts and emotions to move. He was happy and scared. Mostly happy, he figured, but how would Cas react? One thing was to talk about it, another thing was that it was fucking real. The stupid tests on the dinning table proved that.  

“Dean? Are you alright sweetheart?”  

“I am pregnant.” He just answered, turning his head to his alpha, who looked at him with impossible wide eyes.  

They hugged. Cas starred at the tests, then at Dean, then back at them.  

“We are going to be fucking parents.” Cas smiled at him. And Dean found himself smiling back, wide enough for him to think that he looked like the joker without lipstick.  

“We are going to be awesome!” Dean exclaimed.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter for this fic. I am so grateful that you guys have been wanting to read what started out as a vague idea in my head.  
> I have been overwhelmed by the support, comments and love you guys have send my way. And I doubt I would have written half as much as I have if not for that. So thank you. 
> 
> As you may have seen, I have added a oneshot from Sam's POV as well as the first chapter to the sequel. Go read those if you feel like it :D There will be more shots from Sam's POV, I already have a lot on my mind!
> 
> You could go [and visit my TUMBLR here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deancebra)  
> . I would love to her comments, suggestions, prompts or anything really.  
> Is there anything you would like me to write about? Something that you would like clarified? Please send me a message with your ideas if the answer is yes. :D
> 
> I hope you will be as supportive of the sequel as you have been for this. Thank you once again!
> 
> And Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate that


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